I'm a kick butt mom... or not.

Yesterday, I was killing it. I spent my day off by going to the gym, running some errands, finishing a couple projects, doing some real work, cooking and getting ready for the kids to come home. I was feeling on top of the world. 

The kids came home, visited with Grandma Linda for a bit and we started right away on homework. An hour and a half later, I knocked it out of the park. All the homework was done, kids were happy, I was happy. We were playing and snuggling on the couch. 

The rest of the evening was as normal. Dinner, bath, bed at 7 pm. Yes my kids go to bed at 7, they wake up between 530-6 NO MATTER WHAT. That means, if I put them to bed at midnight, they wake up between 530-6 and are grumpy all day. They go to bed at 9, wake up between 530-6 and still grumpiness. Bed at 7 means they actually have a little down time and then fall fast asleep. It leads to less melt downs and better days. If you have some sort of solution to this habit they've had since BIRTH, I'm all ears! 

I sat on the couch at the end of the night, after slaying the day, to realize we forgot one piece of Luca's homework. I was no longer a kick butt mom, I was a failure. Damn it, kindergarten homework, completely forgotten. 

Then I sat there thinking, isn't family and playing important? I mean they get off the bus at 4 and we spent until almost dinner doing homework. We had 30 minutes of bliss, of playing, snuggling, giggling, playing games on the floor, playing board games. That NEVER happens during the week. Did I really fail because my kid didn't do 10-15 minutes of homework? 

This shit is hard you guys. Like really hard. There are TWO of us battling homework, snacks, dinner, baths, snuggles, bedtime. What do single parents do? What do parents of more than 3 kids do? Do they fail because they didn't do one sheet of homework? Where does family time come into all of this? 

We stress "Work life balance" in the "real world"... is there really a work life balance? Is there really a school and life balance? I'm starting to wonder. I mean these are my babies. My sweet little 5 year old has HOMEWORK you all! Is it really necessary after he's been at school all day to do more? I think his little brain needs a break. Does he HAVE to read in kindergarten? The answer is yes... because he'll be behind if he doesn't. A part of this all breaks my heart. Can't he just enjoy his life a little? What gives? 

How the heck do you balance it all? I'm lucky that Ryan and I are both home very close to 4 pm. That's what helps our ship keep going... I have NO idea what we would do if I was still working 12 hour shifts... really NO clue! I'm simply saying there has to be a different way for them to excel without killing them with endless work at such a young age. Why must there be SO much pressure at the elementary level?

I welcome your thoughts, your advice, your tips. What works for you? How do YOU balance it all? How do your kids balance it all? What does YOUR school send home for "homework? 

Let's talk about weight...

Here's the thing. I only get one Bella. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I only get one chance to teach her, to shape her every growing mind, to challenge her, to push her, to encourage her. I'm her mama and all of those things are my job.

Weight is not something we discuss at our house... Don't get me wrong you'll frequently hear us say "Let's go to the gym and get ripped"... and if you've seen me in a swim suit, I'm anything but ripped. My husband, he's another story. He's in the best shape of his life! That said, weight isn't discussed in the negative at our house like something to lose or gain. We do talk about strength and getting stronger. I might not be "ripped" in any sense of the word, but I do workout, I do lift heavy weights, I do push myself. Why? To me, it's important to see my kids see me taking care of me.

One of my favorite things about Saturday mornings when we aren't camping, is all of us going to the gym together. The kids go to the kids club and Ryan and I get to workout. I love watching my handsome husband do pull ups or whatever else he does. It reminds me that he cares about himself. That he's pushing himself to be stronger. It's something I look forward to each weekend together.

As for me, while I've gotten stronger, I have had little self-control about what goes into my mouth. Or I have control and put too much in... whatever the case may be, I eat my problems, I self soothe with food. It's not something I'm proud of but it's what I've done. It's something I've started working on. I love working out because I feel strong and that makes me feel good. What doesn't make me feel good is the image I find in the mirror.

Two weeks ago, I took steps to get back in control of my food and what I'm eating. I'm feeling great. While I've noticed a change on the scale, it's not something we've discussed. My kids have noticed I'm choosing healthier options and more veggies. They've said stuff about what I'm eating and how I'm eating SOOOO many veggies and fruits :)

Here's what Bella did say as I was changing "Mom, I've noticed that your belly doesn't hang over your underwear any more. Good job."

"Thanks babe" I wanted to die laughing because how honest are kids? Super honest, that's how! Either way, she's noticed my body changing shape. She's noticing the choices that I'm making. We still won't talk about weight. We'll talk about the process of getting healthier and making better choices.

Cheers to not having anything hanging over my underwear!

Just say no

Remember D.A.R.E from 5th grade? Yeah I sure do. I took a lot of lessons from those sessions but I think I missed one. I must've missed the "just say no" part. I've completely and utterly overextended myself yet again. I mean who can't work full-time, be the PFC co-president, volunteer to do the kids class parties, teach a new class, maintain (or better yet grow) a marriage, keep three kids alive, and a dog, and four chickens, workout, eat healthy, try to be a better me for me, have good relationships with my kids, grow friendships, cultivate old friendships, keep up with emails, write agendas for meetings, organize camping trips, go camping then unpack from said trips, maintain a house, pay bills on time, grocery shop... I mean you get it, right?

This train wreck has pulled into the station and is taking a long, hard look at life. The "just say no" part of D.A.R.E was SO important, how come they only apply it to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they should have a refresher in college, when you are married, then again when you have kids... just saying! Today, I'm reevaluating.

What are my goals to be a better me? A better me means doing all of the things that I love too and not forgetting those in the shuffle. Part of being a better me means working out, giving attention to my kids, growing my marriage, helping friendships continue to grow... I have a big agenda and it's not getting smaller any time soon. For me, I'm going to start focusing on saying no instead of maybe, instead of yes, instead of let me think about it. Not because I WANT to say no, but because I NEED to say no... for me, for you, for everyone I love and adore.

Trust me, no one will die in the process of me saying no. No one will die if I don't do ALL of the class parties. My students will survive with me giving my all and cutting that all off by 10 pm. They need me sane as well as prepared. Lack of sleep leaves me unprepared and not sane, that's for sure. The junk mail, the junk emails, they can wait. The pile of papers by the door, that can wait too. The deep cleaning that I really want to do because it makes ME feel good, it'll have to wait.

There will be bumps along this road but I'm done overextending me. I'm doing what I need to do for me. Part of that includes increasing my water intake... simple yet forgotten. Part of that includes working out, lifting heavier weights and working out for less time. Part of that means sitting by the campfire to soak in the stars with my family.

Yes, this blog is about Bella. Ultimately, this blog is meant to help parents, women, mamas, working mamas... it's meant to help whoever it needs to help. Today, I'm hoping it helps you. Take a lesson from this mama, just say no. It's okay, I promise.

My heart and soul

I've had a rough week, as a mom, as an educator, as a wife, as a daughter. I can talk more about that later. With all that said, I've cried 3 times this week. Some weeks are just like that. I was thankful for it to be Friday and have a long weekend before school starts for the kids AND for me too!

Bella was having a rough night. Luca really wanted to sleep with her, the little snuggle bug. She needed some space. She agreed because she knew how bad he wanted to and that we'd allow it because it was the weekend. Then, she melted into a million emotions.

We talked and she expressed a lot of emotions. When I told her that I understood her being stressed out and feeling out of sorts. There's been a lot going on in our lives individually and as a family. She has such a pure heart and a genuine soul. When we continued talking, she expressed that she trusted "you and Daddy, I really know that I can trust you. If I tell you something and ask you not to tell anyone, you don't." My heart melted into a million pieces. She realizes that she can confide in me and that I won't tell anyone. This says a lot about what she thinks about me. I'm glad that she knows that I'm a trusting person.

As we continued to talk, she made me realize that I'm doing okay as a mom. Sometimes as moms, we really struggle. I struggle with working full time, being a mom, doing volunteer stuff for school, being a wife, a good friend, maintaining our marriage, feeding my soul, working out and feeling strong... it's a constant balance. Sometimes, one side of the scale is heavier than the other. Today it was. Bella said to me "you and dad are really great parents, you really are." I thanked her for sharing that with me. I told her how I was proud of her and that's she's a really great kid.

Tonight, the scale was heavy on the mom side. Tonight, I cried happy tears. My girl gets me.

Finding Joy

Does anyone else follow Finding Joy on Facebook? On June 18th she wrote this:

I don't want to rush through life anymore.

I realized I was a rusher several months ago. It was when I was drying my hair and I had this moment where I saw that I was racing through it. Getting agitated it took too long. And I stepped back and thought about how I had nowhere to go that day and no deadlines and yet there I was rushing.

I have taught my rushing culture to my kids too.

Sometimes in the mornings I'll be in a frenzy racing around and thinking about what to do next and totally missing out in the now. I'll lose patience for shoe tying or missing bags or being late for a line that I would end up sitting in no matter what.

So several months ago I decided to become aware of my rushing. And to catch myself in those moments and to actually take a big breath and to remind myself that rushing changes nothing.

Rushing just made me anxious.

So now, now I try to slow my pace. Being aware of the time but also my pulse. 

If we race through life too fast or looking ahead too much we might just miss today.

And today, my friends, is worth not rushing through.

-Rachel

If you don't typically follow her or read her posts, do it. Do it now, run over there and follow and like her page. She inspires me every day to be a better me, to take care of me too, to not fall into the Pinterest trap, to settle down, to live and let love takeover. 

This post rang oh so true. I'm such a rusher, which makes me a stressor. My kids move at sloth's pace. 

I get agitated and anxious when things take too long. I'm a total Type A-er. Wait is that even a word? This summer I've been trying to take the kids to do fun stuff and it hit me. I'm yelling "HURRY UP, GET IN THE CAR!!!!" I'm pretty sure even the lady down the street got in the car at that point! :) No in all seriousness, I was rushing them to go have fun. In the process, crushing their fun and causing chaos and anger for all of us. How was this fun? Would even be fun? I mean why was I rushing them and causing all of this? I wanted to just hurry up and go. It's not the fun would suddenly stop if we were 10 minutes later. 

After reading Rachel's post, I'm more aware. Yes there are times we need to be in a rush, we have doctor appointments or someone waiting on us. Otherwise, rushing was causing me more problems. I'm working on it, like really working on it. There are things that need to done right.this.minute... but the other things, we'll get to, eventually, like most things in life. 

As for me, I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I'm really focusing on it more and trying to improve for them and mostly for me.

Decisions

This week is historically hard for me as I've mentioned before. To add to it all, my mom and step father were involved in a tornado this past week. I was shaken to my core. My mom could have been taken from me the same week as my dad... but she wasn't. My feelings went into overdrive, my heart was aching, my stomach was turning. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. One minute I was traveling all alone, the next my mother in law was driving with me, the next we were all driving together as a family... wait should I just fly? No wait, drive? All of us? alone? Dear Lord, I was seriously losing my mind.... whatever part of it was left.

My husband said in the twelve years we've been together he's never seen me so indecisive. I could not make a decision to save my life. Then we made the decision to go all together. I started packing and getting stuff together. Packing for five is no easy task and then sending the dog to our aunt's here... It was just a world wind of emotion and action. I emailed teachers, adapted day care schedules, Ryan took time off of work. We were set. Then a long time internet friend reached out and offered to help. She is a flight attendant and offered to help with my standby ticket arrangements, which would be a ton cheaper than me flying on my own.

Things changed quickly. This would allow me the opportunity to be there and not have the kids to worry about. It's stressful, things are damaged, my mom and Mark are shook up, still in shock. Things still have to be cleaned up and organized. Insurance needs to be discussed and followed up with. There's a lot to do. Ryan and I couldn't bear to leave Grayson for his birthday without one of us. Having your parents remember and celebrate your birthday is a big deal, whether you are turning 6 or 36. This seemed to be the better plan of action and we changed plans.

Things were good and I packed my bag... until Bella was told. I've never seen my seven year old cry so much. All because her mama broke her heart. She wanted to go, she dug through her piggy bank, she begged and pleaded. I felt awful and ended up breaking down. Here I was thinking I made the best the decision for our family only to feel awful about the whole thing. I explained, I rationalized, I talked to her like a seven year old and I talked to her like an adult. Nothing worked, she cried. I cried.

Even sometimes what seems like the best decision may not feel like you did the best you could. I did the very best I could. I still failed my girl. We'll talk again when I get home. I did the best I could. Nothing I did at the moment would feel like the best decision once it happened. Life can be challenging... scratch that parenting is challenging.

Tutu and Papa

My mom is consistently making Camp No Limits possible for us and our family. She works hard to raise money every single year without fail. She's the one behind Bikers for Bella (and Harley and Chad too!) and helps get everything organized and set to go. She and Harley were the ones that wanted to raise money for OTHER KIDS and their families to attend Camp No Limits. She's worked hard to find the families and then reach out to the parents and offer to help.

She has a heart of gold. She does so many things for other people and is the first to jump in and help when she can. She cares for elderly people. She cleans houses for a living. She loves helping others and feeling like she's done some good in the world.

This week is typically a tough week for our family. Six years ago, I was 39 weeks pregnant with Grayson Ryan. My aunt suddenly and unexpectedly passed away this week six years ago. Then my dad suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Then two days later, Grayson entered the world and his middle name was promptly changed to John after my dad on my husband's recommendation. He is the saving grace in all of the sadness.

Yesterday, my mom (Tutu to my kids) and step dad's (Papa Mark to my kids) house was hit by a tornado. Adding to the already wild mix of emotions. Windows were blown out. Their pole barn was completely knocked down. There's a giant mess of debris in their yard, in trees, all over, there is glass inside their house, there's no power so their food is going bad and the deep freezer items are thawing out. I feel awful for them and for the people around them.

My mom will NEVER ask for help and neither will Mark. I'd love to be there to just do what needs to be done. If people go there, she won't tell them what to do.... that's not her nature. So if you are wanting to help them, just go, see the damage, pick up what you can. Take them some snacks that don't have to be refrigerated or a meal that they don't have to heat, or even a gift card to go grab some dinner. They are working currently on getting a back up generator as theirs was in the pull barn that was damaged. Once I get there, I promise to kiss all of your sweet faces for helping them!

In the end, things are just things, dirt can be cleaned, the aftermath can be put back together in some sort of nature. In the end, the things and stuff doesn't go with you when you go. It's just stuff. I'm thankful they are alive, though frightened and in shock, alive. In the end, that's all that really matters. Hug the ones you love, life can change in an instant.