New Year, New Us!

The end of this year was mentally and emotionally exhausting when it came to this prosthetic thing. I've done a lot of video updates on Facebook because I just simply didn't have the energy to write a blog about the heartache. Then, just like that, magic happened.

RIGHT before the end of the year, I got a call from our prosthetist that he was 99% sure that we were going to get approval. Well, he was right! I called insurance to verify a couple of days later and was told the news from them. I had to pull myself together because I was driving and calling. It was emotional for sure. Those of you on Facebook, saw that emotional reaction a little bit later. I cried like a baby and the lady on the phone said "Isn't this good news?" When I explained what we had been through she was the sweetest mama on the other end. She mentioned she had 2 daughters and can't imagine having to wait on something like this and have it be out of her control. She had empathy and lots of it. It was like she was the person placed on that call for a reason.

I called Hanger to confirm with them that it was now in writing on our file. I was crying as I talked. The guy on the other end said "This is great news". I said I was crying happy tears. Yes I'm that woman! I cry when I'm mad and sad, angry, frustrated, happy, excited. Yeah I'm a mess :)

We picked up Bella's NEW prosthetic on December 26th! It was my mom's birthday too AND she and my step-dad got to share that with us. Thankfully because my mom took all of the pictures! It was better than Christmas and even Bella agreed. You guys, seriously, this is BIG! For a nine-year-old child to have such excitement and emotion about something like this was HUGE! She is a girl that is wise beyond her years with an old soul and she realizes things like this... Her face was BETTER and filled with more joy in the office than it was Christmas morning, I swear.

This is the only picture I took the entire visit! Yeah, I was soaking it all in! 

Here's the thing people, while this was an emotional rollercoaster for me, Bella didn't know any of that. She's nine. It's my job as her mama to protect her. She knew there was a wait because it was out of my control and that I was "working on it" but nothing more. I wrote the appeals, I called the insurance company almost daily since September when this process started. I cried at night after people went to bed. To have your child continually ask you "When is it coming? When can I use it again? How much longer?" was like knives stabbing my heart. I just wanted to make it happen yesterday! When it did, my heart was filled with so much joy watching her sweet little innocent face. 

I'll share our appeals letters with you here because you are welcome to tweak them to make them your own. Don't back down! Don't give up! Our kids depend on it! Our limb different and limb loss community depend on it! Show these insurance companies that this is important shit! Don't let them instill fear in you and IF or when they do, fight harder. 

Share the strep... or not!

Poor little lover girl has strep throat. We had a birthday party at our house for Grayson a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking some little first grader shared strep with us. I got it first, then Luca, now Bella. That's the joy of having kids, they share mostly when you don't want them too!

Luckily for me, I have a great job with more flexibility than I've ever had. I don't teach a class on Monday's and I work from home on Mondays, which allows me to balance the day with laundry, the gym, emails, changing my course and yesterday, taking care of a sick kiddo. When people are sick, I tend to do more laundry, even if its not a puke bug... blankets get washed, sheets get changed, new toothbrushes for everyone!

Luckier for all of us is that we have some fabulous neighbors who help out more than I can mention. Seriously, from getting kids on and off the bus, to offering to take my sick kid for the day. They are like a second set of parents to our kids. I honestly don't know what we would do without them. When they say it takes a village, they truly mean it! I can't tell you how thankful I am to have found our village here!

I watched her sleeping

Last night, Bella asked to sleep in my bed since her daddy was working. I quickly agreed. Soon a day will come that she won't want to sleep in my bed. Tonight she did.

I got in bed late, as usual and looked over at her. Peacefully asleep on her daddy's pillow. Her long lashes rested on her cheeks, her whispy hair all over, her bunny next to her, all the covers kicked off. I watched her, I soaked her in. There next to me, lay my eight year old daughter. No longer a little peanut but instead a beautiful little girl took her place. Tears begin to softly roll down my cheeks. I couldn't shake the way I felt as I lie there and soak her in.

I remember being pregnant with her, wondering what she would be like, how she would grow, what her life would be like, what kind of person she would grow to be... so many what ifs.

Today,  I watched her as the tears rolled down my face onto my pillow. What a sweet soul she has become, always looking out for those around her. Always protecting her brothers and looking out for them. The other mother in our house. A bit of a worrier, a wonderer, sensitive, yet strong and stubborn, sassy but sweet and kind.

She patiently worked with Luca at the pool this passed weekend until he knew how to swim underwater at the tender age of four. She held her arms out as he jumped to her, his net of safety. She pushed him back to the stairs with the encouragement to try again, and again... and again. She tossed a toy to the bottom of the pool, went under, pulled it then explained the process to her little brother. She coached him on how to do the same thing, she reminded him that she would be right there. I didn't interfere, instead I just watched. I watched as she had the patience of a saint teaching her brother how to be just like her, swimming freely in the pool.

How was I so lucky to be this sweet girl's mama? How was it that 8 years had passed? How was it that now some of "what-ifs" were answered?

My dear girl,
You make me proud. Your kindness shines. Your laughter fills a room. Your warmness welcomes anyone to become your friend. I am proud of the sweet girl you are becoming and the way you treat those that are so lucky to be in your life. You guard my heart and are always thinking of how I'm feeling. You constantly remember that my dad died and how hard it must be for me without him. You are pushing me closer to God and pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes even grown ups need a push!

So you struggle with math, you get frustrated. My dear, life is not always easy. You pick yourself up again, you try again with all your might. You'll get it, be patient. I will always be her to pick you up and help you fight. You'll get it, we'll get it.

Know that it's okay to cry, for sadness and for joy. It shows that you have emotions and feelings. Life is all about expressing that to others. Showing them that you care, telling them that you love them and reminded them how happy they are. As I've said time and time again, I'm lucky to be your mama. I'm glad you are my daughter. There's no other daughter I would rather have in this planet.

As you grow, I wish you love, love like your daddy and I have. I wish you peace in your life, time for yourself and taking care of you. Peace when you feel overwhelmed or are hurting. I wish you friendships, like the friendship GG and mama have, an unending friendship that's there for life. I wish you happiness, like the happiness that I get when I'm reading with you at night. I wish you strength, strength to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep giving all of you to your life. I wish you adventure, the kind of adventure that makes life really worth living, the ones that make memories that last a lifetime. Money can't buy you happiness or peace, but adventure sure can!

Spread your wings my sweet child. I'll keep watching you soar!

Just say no

Remember D.A.R.E from 5th grade? Yeah I sure do. I took a lot of lessons from those sessions but I think I missed one. I must've missed the "just say no" part. I've completely and utterly overextended myself yet again. I mean who can't work full-time, be the PFC co-president, volunteer to do the kids class parties, teach a new class, maintain (or better yet grow) a marriage, keep three kids alive, and a dog, and four chickens, workout, eat healthy, try to be a better me for me, have good relationships with my kids, grow friendships, cultivate old friendships, keep up with emails, write agendas for meetings, organize camping trips, go camping then unpack from said trips, maintain a house, pay bills on time, grocery shop... I mean you get it, right?

This train wreck has pulled into the station and is taking a long, hard look at life. The "just say no" part of D.A.R.E was SO important, how come they only apply it to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they should have a refresher in college, when you are married, then again when you have kids... just saying! Today, I'm reevaluating.

What are my goals to be a better me? A better me means doing all of the things that I love too and not forgetting those in the shuffle. Part of being a better me means working out, giving attention to my kids, growing my marriage, helping friendships continue to grow... I have a big agenda and it's not getting smaller any time soon. For me, I'm going to start focusing on saying no instead of maybe, instead of yes, instead of let me think about it. Not because I WANT to say no, but because I NEED to say no... for me, for you, for everyone I love and adore.

Trust me, no one will die in the process of me saying no. No one will die if I don't do ALL of the class parties. My students will survive with me giving my all and cutting that all off by 10 pm. They need me sane as well as prepared. Lack of sleep leaves me unprepared and not sane, that's for sure. The junk mail, the junk emails, they can wait. The pile of papers by the door, that can wait too. The deep cleaning that I really want to do because it makes ME feel good, it'll have to wait.

There will be bumps along this road but I'm done overextending me. I'm doing what I need to do for me. Part of that includes increasing my water intake... simple yet forgotten. Part of that includes working out, lifting heavier weights and working out for less time. Part of that means sitting by the campfire to soak in the stars with my family.

Yes, this blog is about Bella. Ultimately, this blog is meant to help parents, women, mamas, working mamas... it's meant to help whoever it needs to help. Today, I'm hoping it helps you. Take a lesson from this mama, just say no. It's okay, I promise.