I watched her sleeping

Last night, Bella asked to sleep in my bed since her daddy was working. I quickly agreed. Soon a day will come that she won't want to sleep in my bed. Tonight she did.

I got in bed late, as usual and looked over at her. Peacefully asleep on her daddy's pillow. Her long lashes rested on her cheeks, her whispy hair all over, her bunny next to her, all the covers kicked off. I watched her, I soaked her in. There next to me, lay my eight year old daughter. No longer a little peanut but instead a beautiful little girl took her place. Tears begin to softly roll down my cheeks. I couldn't shake the way I felt as I lie there and soak her in.

I remember being pregnant with her, wondering what she would be like, how she would grow, what her life would be like, what kind of person she would grow to be... so many what ifs.

Today,  I watched her as the tears rolled down my face onto my pillow. What a sweet soul she has become, always looking out for those around her. Always protecting her brothers and looking out for them. The other mother in our house. A bit of a worrier, a wonderer, sensitive, yet strong and stubborn, sassy but sweet and kind.

She patiently worked with Luca at the pool this passed weekend until he knew how to swim underwater at the tender age of four. She held her arms out as he jumped to her, his net of safety. She pushed him back to the stairs with the encouragement to try again, and again... and again. She tossed a toy to the bottom of the pool, went under, pulled it then explained the process to her little brother. She coached him on how to do the same thing, she reminded him that she would be right there. I didn't interfere, instead I just watched. I watched as she had the patience of a saint teaching her brother how to be just like her, swimming freely in the pool.

How was I so lucky to be this sweet girl's mama? How was it that 8 years had passed? How was it that now some of "what-ifs" were answered?

My dear girl,
You make me proud. Your kindness shines. Your laughter fills a room. Your warmness welcomes anyone to become your friend. I am proud of the sweet girl you are becoming and the way you treat those that are so lucky to be in your life. You guard my heart and are always thinking of how I'm feeling. You constantly remember that my dad died and how hard it must be for me without him. You are pushing me closer to God and pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes even grown ups need a push!

So you struggle with math, you get frustrated. My dear, life is not always easy. You pick yourself up again, you try again with all your might. You'll get it, be patient. I will always be her to pick you up and help you fight. You'll get it, we'll get it.

Know that it's okay to cry, for sadness and for joy. It shows that you have emotions and feelings. Life is all about expressing that to others. Showing them that you care, telling them that you love them and reminded them how happy they are. As I've said time and time again, I'm lucky to be your mama. I'm glad you are my daughter. There's no other daughter I would rather have in this planet.

As you grow, I wish you love, love like your daddy and I have. I wish you peace in your life, time for yourself and taking care of you. Peace when you feel overwhelmed or are hurting. I wish you friendships, like the friendship GG and mama have, an unending friendship that's there for life. I wish you happiness, like the happiness that I get when I'm reading with you at night. I wish you strength, strength to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep giving all of you to your life. I wish you adventure, the kind of adventure that makes life really worth living, the ones that make memories that last a lifetime. Money can't buy you happiness or peace, but adventure sure can!

Spread your wings my sweet child. I'll keep watching you soar!

Recess woes

Bella came home yesterday a bit sad. Her "friends" weren't being really friendly.

Her boy friends like to play football at recess and she's afraid the ball is going to hit her. Something we'll work on eventually... she's been working on it with her PE teacher but she needs more practice, clearly. Let's just say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I hate (strong but true word) balls flying at my head... football would be my very last choice to play.

Her girl friends were playing with a girl that "doesn't want me to play with them". She always says "Don't play with Bella". To be fair, I've been around this child and she's kind of harsh and very opinionated. It's her way or the highway... While I've tried to coach Bella to find a new set of friends, she very much wants to be friends with everyone.

What does this mean for us as parents? It means instilling a bit more confidence in our girl. Ryan said "you are like the nicest and kindest kid ever!" While we think that's true, it doesn't matter since we aren't eight year olds. What matters is that Bella knows how to advocate for herself and how to chose friends that are worthwhile. It also means teaching her that she doesn't need to be friends with everyone.

What does that look like to an eight-year-old? It means treating everyone with kindness. It means welcoming everyone into your playgroup but being okay with the fact that not everyone wants to play with you. It means being accepting of those who are different and those who are they same. Embracing others individuality and uniqueness. It's okay not to be friends with everyone... it's NOT okay to be rude, disrespectful or hurtful.

This week at recess, Bella said "I played with George *Name changed for privacy*". "No one likes George but he's a really nice kid". I commended her for welcoming him to play and that it's okay to play with him if "no one likes him"... she said "people don't like him because he's different." We talked about how hurtful this must be for him and that even though he's "different", he's the same in many ways. He's a 3rd grader just like the rest of her grade, he's learning the same things, he goes to the same school... there are LOTS of things that are the same. I talked to her about how important it is to make him feel included and how it's important for her to stick up for him. Being a true friend looks like someone who will be there for you when others aren't. She understood that.

Being a third grader is no easy task... kids are starting to figure out who they get along with, who plays and interacts well together, who doesn't, they are really starting to figure out who they are and who they want to be. We talked about how when she grew up, many of her friends in third grade might not be her friends now! She thought that was kind of sad. I agreed, but also explained that we meet lots of people along our journeys in life.

Many of my friends now are people I work with or have worked with, moms of kids in my kids school, parents in the PFC, friends from nursing school... We talked about how friendships change as you grow up and how your friends change too. Each friend you have brings something different to your life and relationships. Each friendship is unique. Life will take go through different twists and turns and there will be friends who help you along the way.

Giving Tuesday

Giving Tuesday kicks off the season after Thanksgiving. According to the Giving Tuesday website, it kicks off the "charitable season of giving". This giving tuesday, I'm asking you to really think about the organization that you pick to donate... that is if you do. I'm asking you to give mindfully not mindlessly. Many organizations take our money and very little goes to the actual cause. It bothers me to think that money I have given in years passed does not 100% go to the cause I am supporting. 

The organization that means the most to our family today and every day is Camp No Limits. As many of you know, we attend camp every year. If we could attend every location, we would! But alas, work, school, life and finances for travel get in our way. Camp truly makes our year brighter. While we only attend once a year, the friendships that we make through camp last a lifetime. The support and love carry us through to the next time we attend camp. It's like having a family that supports you and lifts you up when you meet struggles. The kids and families that we meet through camp change our lives. 

I'm asking you to consider giving to Camp No Limits or give to our fund for travels to get to camp. Last year, it cost us over $3200 to get to camp, between airfare and rental car amongst other things. That said, it was worth every penny. I will continue to work my tail off every year to make camp a possibility for our family. Without the help of you and others like you, we would not have been able to attend camp. Last year, we received a scholarship to pay for camp and we only had to pay the $3200 to get there! That's a HUGE blessing! 

If Giving Tuesday is not your thing, no worries, I'll simply ask that you spread awareness. Spread awareness about Camp No Limits, spread awareness about limb differences, share our names with others so that I may help another family that is in our shoes, so that I can help them advocate for their child, so that I can be the support that they need, so that camp can be the family that they need, so that they can be aware of the many people that are in their shoes! 

Thank you for considering. Thank you for following our blog, for listening to our stories. 

Back to school, already?

Our back to school list is posted. I've already done some shopping. I might be slightly obsessed with getting the best deals possible AND buying some extra. I can't believe it's time for back to school. Part of me loves the routine, part of me is dying that this means summer is coming to an end.

I keep seeing parents post on Facebook about back to school and supplies. I'll share with you our back to school list.

Parents are seriously complaining about "50 pencils?" and "15 glue sticks". Really? I mean I found a 24 pack of pencils for $1, buy three and you are well over your 50 mark. Have you had a kindergartener AND volunteered in the classroom? Holy glue sticks. Kids leave the caps off, glue dries out. They also use it every day for gluing word work, it's a lot of glue people!

Why do I care? I care because are you bringing your negative attitude home to your kids? What sort of excitement are you creating? I never once heard my parents complain about back to school shopping or school supplies, not once. Here's the thing, your attitude wears on your kids. The good and the bad. They are watching you.

(Obsessed with wolves and beyond thrilled about his wolf backpack!)

My mom especially brought TONS of excitement for back to school. She ahh'd and oooh'd over our supplies and how fun it was to get new stuff. She made the process of packing our backpacks fun. Maybe that's where my love of back to school comes. My mom even makes it fun for MY kids! She offered to take them to buy a new outfit, lunchbox and backpack. She's crazy :) I promise that my kids are excited to get a "date" with her. Date days are the best days.


How much have I spent? So far, about $10 on each kid. I'm almost done. I still have to get spiral notebooks. My advice, start early, watch sales, buy what's on sale then wait for other sales, get a little each week.

Why am I sharing this? I'm sharing because it doesn't have to be a big expense. However, I'm mostly sharing because as an educator myself, don't we want our kids to have plenty of all of the tools that they need to be successful? Don't we want to arm them to succeed? Do we want them to have to worry about too many broken pencils or not enough erasers? No, they are kids. Excite them about education. Be the one that pushes them to do their best. Be their biggest support and the most positive energy in their life.

At the end of the day, 50 pencils should be the least of your worries.

Be the change

Bella has a way to make everybody feel like somebody. I'm not sure where exactly she gets it. No one is overlooked when she is around. She is genuinely concerned about everyone. She really has a way to make people feel included and loved when she's around. It's one of the things that I adore most about her.

I challenge you to take a little lesson from my girl. I learn daily from her. I learn how to really put myself out there to make people feel included. Last night at a playdate for my soon to be first grader, there were many parents I didn't know. While I'm usually pretty social, I tend to stick around the people that I know best. Last night, I thought of Bella. At that playdate, I walked around and tried to introduce myself. I tried to at least have some sort of conversation with people.

 I want Grayson to have the best opportunity in school. I want parents to know me and feel comfortable having their children at our house. I want them to feel like I at least tried to connect with them. Part of him having great opportunities is how engaged I am as a parent. Be engaged with your kids, meet their friends, meet the parents, talk to them all. Part of me engaging with the kids is getting to know their friends. It allows me the ability to know their friends, know how they are being influenced at school and have their friends feel comfortable with me.

Again, take a lesson from my girl. Be the change!

Bike battles

Each day brings different challenges and battles for each of us. Each day is a new day, we can decide to pick ourselves up and carry on or to sulk. Today, Bella decided she was going to feel sorry for herself. Everything was wrong.

The boys rode too close.

The boys rode too far.

Daddy pushed her too hard.

Daddy told her to go faster.

Daddy gave her encouragement.

Daddy didn't give her enough encouragement.

The bike seat was up to high.

The bike seat was too low.

The bike basket was bumping around.

Her training wheels were too wobbly.

I adjusted her training wheels too much.

Life sucked big time. The bike sucked big time. We all sucked big time. Today was not her day... we'll try again tomorrow.

Finding Joy

Does anyone else follow Finding Joy on Facebook? On June 18th she wrote this:

I don't want to rush through life anymore.

I realized I was a rusher several months ago. It was when I was drying my hair and I had this moment where I saw that I was racing through it. Getting agitated it took too long. And I stepped back and thought about how I had nowhere to go that day and no deadlines and yet there I was rushing.

I have taught my rushing culture to my kids too.

Sometimes in the mornings I'll be in a frenzy racing around and thinking about what to do next and totally missing out in the now. I'll lose patience for shoe tying or missing bags or being late for a line that I would end up sitting in no matter what.

So several months ago I decided to become aware of my rushing. And to catch myself in those moments and to actually take a big breath and to remind myself that rushing changes nothing.

Rushing just made me anxious.

So now, now I try to slow my pace. Being aware of the time but also my pulse. 

If we race through life too fast or looking ahead too much we might just miss today.

And today, my friends, is worth not rushing through.

-Rachel

If you don't typically follow her or read her posts, do it. Do it now, run over there and follow and like her page. She inspires me every day to be a better me, to take care of me too, to not fall into the Pinterest trap, to settle down, to live and let love takeover. 

This post rang oh so true. I'm such a rusher, which makes me a stressor. My kids move at sloth's pace. 

I get agitated and anxious when things take too long. I'm a total Type A-er. Wait is that even a word? This summer I've been trying to take the kids to do fun stuff and it hit me. I'm yelling "HURRY UP, GET IN THE CAR!!!!" I'm pretty sure even the lady down the street got in the car at that point! :) No in all seriousness, I was rushing them to go have fun. In the process, crushing their fun and causing chaos and anger for all of us. How was this fun? Would even be fun? I mean why was I rushing them and causing all of this? I wanted to just hurry up and go. It's not the fun would suddenly stop if we were 10 minutes later. 

After reading Rachel's post, I'm more aware. Yes there are times we need to be in a rush, we have doctor appointments or someone waiting on us. Otherwise, rushing was causing me more problems. I'm working on it, like really working on it. There are things that need to done right.this.minute... but the other things, we'll get to, eventually, like most things in life. 

As for me, I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I'm really focusing on it more and trying to improve for them and mostly for me.

Prosthetic update!

Wednesday, Bella and I finally get to go to Chicago and pick up her prosthetic! To say we are excited might be an understatement. We'll probably test it a bit there then head back. I'm sure what I'm thinking in my head will be an hour long appointment will take much longer.

This is the "pick up" appointment. Tomorrow is when we pay for it. I'm so thankful for good insurance! We'll only be eating ramen for the next month :) Jokes aside, our out of pocket is 10% which comes out to just over $1,000. Why am I telling you this? Because nothings free. Not only is the time and headache of making all of these appointments then follow up, there's also figuring out where you'll pull the money from. It will also give us the opportunity to budget this in the future, knowing that she'll need a new one about every 18 months-2 years. So far, insurance only approves a "new device" every 3 years. That's a battle I'll start fighting later. I think it's important for parents of children with limb differences to also realize the cost. I thought when you went through Shriner's that things were cheaper. For us, we still have a co-pay at Shriners as well as our location doesn't do prosthetics, they contract that out. So that's how we ended up at Scheck and Siress. Neither here nor there, there's a cost, that if you are like most

We'll plan to pick it up then come home and really put it to use. Really test it out and be sure there are no weird rubbing places and that she has full opportunity to take full advantage of using it so we can follow up, hopefully before we head to Camp No Limits. She'll have one more appointment at least to follow up on fit.

This is pretty much perfect timing with Camp No Limits right around the corner! Camp will give her the opportunity with people that are similar to her to test drive the prosthetic fully. I'm sure there will be a number of people there who can encourage her and help her get used to using it for the tasks that she wanted it for.

So far, we'll all booked for camp, minus a rental car. Camp is quite a distance from the airport so we need a rental car to get from point A to point B. Then we need to pack, packing for 5 is NO easy task... I pack for 4 of us. That's a handful to be sure that you have everything. That's where lists come in handy!

I'll keep you all updated after our appointment on Wednesday!

Can we all take a pledge?

Isn't momming hard enough? Wait is that even a word. Lately, I've been feeling a little judged about a lot of things. Earlier in the year it was about me working and not being at my kids school enough... another mama judged me for "working and missing out"... I went home and cried. I opted not to say anything because this mama is truly passionate about being a stay at home mom. I finally decided it wasn't worth saying anything because I was heated and that wasn't the right time for me to voice my opinion.

Why did I care that she stayed home? I didn't. She felt truly passionate about it and was expressing her passion which to me came out as more of a judgement. Whether or not that was her intention, it still hurt a bit and stung like salt in an open wound. Hey more power to ya lady! Were they days I wanted to be home more? Hell to the yes! Were there also days I wanted to gallop out the front door and say "see ya later suckers, I get to go to work!"? Um also a big hell yes. The night after my boys decided to be ultra quiet and proceed to color each other with permanent markers was one of those days... how could I survive being a stay at home mom?

There are pros and cons to each... as there are with many things while being a parent and in life. There's often no "right" or "wrong" way to do things. Wanna do a sticker chart? Awesome. You do allowance? Sounds good. Your whole family eats organic? Fantastic. You drink soy milk? Great. There's an on-going joke at our house, Ryan and I differ on a lot of things when it comes to food. He likes ribeye and lots of fat "It flavors the meat". I like leaner cuts of meat with NO fat. He likes crunchy peanut butter, I like creamy. He likes soft boiled eggs, I like any other kind of egg except soft boiled eggs. Somehow, we've still managed to make life work for the last almost 12 years.

I was judged again this week about my dietary choices. I'm pretty sure whatever I put into my body isn't seeping out of my pores and affecting them. What I do know is that I'm making choices that are leading to a healthier me and I've never felt better (well not including when I was 22 before kids and full on adulting, you know when I was able to sleep as much as I wanted... prior to insomnia). Overall, it's my choice and it's working for me! Ryan and the kids aren't eating everything I'm eating and they for sure aren't eating the portions that I'm eating. We've had great dinner conversations about how mommy is working on a healthier diet and eating less sugar and stuff that comes in a package. The kids know I feel better because I'm eating less of that.

At the end of the day, I'll do me and you do you. To me, that means lifting people up when they are doing something that challenges them. I have a friend that runs marathons, not my style but she loves it, so I support her. I have a friend that eats all organic, hey knock yourself out sister! Another friend eats pretty healthy but doesn't want to give up her one can of soda a day, it works for her. A couple of my friends do fitness competitions, to me I have enough judgment but for them it motivates them, kick some butt ladies! Can we just lift each other up instead of tearing each other down?

Healthy living

I’m 3 weeks into this healthy eating thing and I feel fantastic… no really I swear, I do. I’m sleeping like I haven’t slept in 8 years. Instead of getting up three or four times and night and tossing and turning, I get up once a night to use the bathroom (thank you kids for giving me “the mom bladder”) and then go right back to sleep. It’s incredible. I’m feeling better in my own body and I’m owning up to the mistakes I made with eating and exercise in the past.

What mistakes did I make exactly? I would workout like a boss then come home and eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies (hello, I live with a dealer!) What point was the workout when eating like that? Well the point was that it gave me about an hour and a half of kid free, me time. Was it worth it? Hell to the yes!  It was for my sanity but it also wasn’t helping my waistline or the way I felt overall. I was still sluggish and tired and sleeping like crap.

What am I doing differently at the gym? Well I’m still working out like a boss. I’m paying attention to how my body feels and listening more to those cues. You know when you work with a trainer to push you to lift heavier or they give you the motivation for just one more? I’m able to push myself a little harder and a little further now. I still work with a trainer about once every month or so to be sure I’m mixing up what I’m doing and that I’m targeting all of my muscle groups. She gives me a plan and then I follow that plan until we meet again to mix things up. When my knees start aching on the stairclimber, I switch up my cardio. If my feet are killing from my plantar fasciitis, I try the bike. Yes, when you pay attention, your body guides you in what’s best that day. I still push myself, I still get a good workout but I’m really listening to what my body needs in that moment.

How’s the eating thing? No I’m not eating sticks and twigs. I’m actually full almost all of the time. I’m eating on a schedule and set amounts with the help of a coach. She’s helping me kill my nutrition goals. I haven’t weighed or measured since I started three weeks ago so today’s the day. I allowed her to tell me when to weigh and measure, so instead of just following the scale, I can feel the difference in my body. I’m excited to see if the measurements or scale show a change… I feel like they both will! I’m figuring out how to prepare things in a healthy manner so that they taste good and make me feel satisfied. The unreal thing? I don’t really have a craving for the sweets that I so loved before.

My self-control has been really good too. Why? I think because I was truly ready for a change. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. There were donuts in the conference room at work the other day and though I cursed under my breath (who doesn’t love donuts?!), I didn’t eat one. There were cookies at the meeting yesterday and I chose carrots. Why? Because again, the craving for that sweet stuff isn’t really there.

How has having a coach helped? Honestly, I needed that accountability. I knew I had to send her pictures of my food or a food journal. I didn’t want to disappoint her and I knew she was working hard to keep me on track. For me, having someone coach me with the nutrition piece has been essential. Even sending a quick text of “can I eat this?” has helped me understand reading labels better (though most of my food doesn’t have labels now!). She’s also helped me understand why my body needs certain foods and how they affect how I feel.

What keeps you motivated? Any specific foods that you love? Has someone been your motivation or inspiration? I’m curious what others are doing and what keeps you focused! Share away, remember we are all in this together, having support is key!

"Mom why are you weighing your food?"

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know I've started week two of my healthy eating journey. It's been amazing so far. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and there were days I didn't want to rethink what I was doing. It's challenging. I'm a full-time nursing professor, I teach lecture and clinical and have meetings. I'm a full-time mama with three kids that need 100% of my attention all of the time, they need lunches and snacks, sometimes three different breakfasts, homework help, reading at night, bath help and just love. I'm a full-time wife with a husband that I adore. He's handsome and considerate, kind and caring, outgoing and funny... and I'm pretty sure he was a singer in his past :) Life isn't always easy but it's ours and I wouldn't change it for the world.

For awhile I've been watching Bella's friends mom on her journey into health and fitness. Her posts are inspiring and motivational. She's a wealth of knowledge and wants to share that with others. She's not pushy in any way, she never posts about "Come work out with me" or "buy this to support me"... she simply has posted pictures of her journey, pictures of her meals and she's honest. I didn't know her well but after watching her for some time, I reached out to her and said "HELP, I'm ready, I'll pay you!" She responded back quickly and we met shortly after at the gym where she works.

She questioned me... why now? why RIGHT now? when can you start changing your eating? How will you be successful? What kind of support do you have? what motivates you? lots and lots of questions. They pushed me to dig deep and to think about why I decided that NOW is the time for me.

Ultimately, I need to take care of me. I can't continue to pour from an exhausted, empty tank that was often running on fumes. I want to be around to see my grandkids, I want to chase my kids in the yard, I want to show them that eating healthy can taste good and can make you feel good. I want to be the example for them. I want to hike without stopping to catch my breath. I want to sleep soundly and feel rested in the morning. I shared all of this with her.

Last night, Grayson asked "Mom why are you weighing your food?" I responded because I'm trying to learn how to eat better, just like you are learning about things in school. I'm learning how much my body needs and what my body needs to feel good and be healthy. He said "Are you making us healthy too? Are you weighing our food?" "Nope, I'm not weighing your food because your body is growing and we are changing our diets together to eat healthier food. I'm giving your body more of what it needs, like fruits and veggies and meat and healthy snacks" "Good job being healthy mom!" My eyes filled with tears and my eyes are again filling with tears. Why? Because my children are noticing my changes. While they may not be physical (yet!) they are seeing them in the choices I'm making.

That's enough to continue to motivate me!

Adaptive bike fair update

We were the first two people to arrive and the fine folks of Emery's were still setting up. I was greeted by Brent one of the owners and then later by Ben another owner. They happen to be brothers and work together to make the adaptations possible. I really enjoyed meeting both of them. Ben reminded me SO much of my dad. He's tall and built like my dad. His personality is much like my dad too. He's crafty in a mechanical way, I was blown away about his resemblance to my dad. I told Bella in front of him that he reminded me of Papa John.

Both Ben and Brent were awesome, they make custom bikes to meet the needs of their customers. I was seriously blown away by some of the bikes they've made for customers. They are incredible. Every child and adult should have the opportunity to do things that so many of us take for granted... like bike riding! Look at all of these amazing bikes, seriously incredibly!

I can't believe such a resource exists and I had no idea it was so close. It's unfortunate that when you go to your appointments with your pediatrician or even to the ortho clinic at Children's that these resources are not given to families. This is the stuff we as parents NEED to know about!

This is similar to the adaptation they would make. The black piece at the top would be curled more to hold her hand steady in place. 

This is Brent working with Bella to show her the adaptation that they were thinking who would for her.  She said that she liked that it was comfortable on her left hand and she thinks it would make a difference. 

How can you not just open your wallet and hand over your credit card. It's tough. I told her that we had to come home and show Daddy and talk to him too. It's hard because I want to give her the world on a silver platter. It's also hard because if we spend the money, I want her to use it. I love the idea of supporting a smaller, local bike shop that does incredible work and truly cares about creating the best fit for their customers.

So what's the cost? For the complete set up on her current bike, it would be about $500. That's a hard number to swallow. It's not a need, it's for sure a want. Or is it a need when you only have one hand? How can we not give her the same opportunity that other kids have? How can we not help her to feel more comfortable and confident on the bike? Are we terrible parents for not just plunking down the credit card? Are we thinking too much into it? Is it truly necessary? Can we help her for a more reasonable cost? What are some other things that we could do? Do you drop any amount of money on your kids for things that you think are necessary? Are they truly necessary? What amount of money is reasonable? Those are all things we'll have to discuss tonight. 

Adaptive Bike Fair

Today, I'm pulling Bella from school a bit to attend Emery's Adaptive Bike Fair. Sometimes you have to treat things like this like they are as important as a doctor or dentist appointment. They don't happen every day... actually there's NEVER been one in the 7 1/2 years of Bella's life. I sent her to school in the morning, I'll pull her around 10:30 and we'll head down there. We'll spend some time with all of the kind folks who have donated their time and learn a thing (or ten!) on how we can help her.

Bella is SO nervous on the bike even with her training wheels. We tried to push her at Camp No Limits this summer to try and she was absolutely against it. Now that the weather has been nice here (what the heck, in February!) the boys have wanted to ride bikes. She rides along, usually screaming at me to slow down and not walk so fast. Yes, I said walk. Why do I walk? Have you ever tried to ride a bike with 3 kids? Luca likes to look at everything in site and occasionally run off into the grass or into a mailbox. Grayson speeds like a lightening bolt. Bella freaks out at EVERYONE to slow down... so yes I walk! Currently, it's far from enjoyable. It's like having someone throw balls at you and you are trying to dodge them but you can't, they just keep hitting you. What can I say? I'm honest!

See that stubborn face? 

So full of personality!

Date day with mom... and clearly a mind of her own!

I'm proud that she's stubborn and passionate. Really she comes by all of that naturally, Ryan and I are both stubborn and super passionate about things. So for her, she's passionate about NOT riding the bike! Which I totally get, not every kid is a bike rider. I'm A-okay with that. What I don't want it to be about her limb difference. I want her to ride her bike if she wants! I want her to feel confident in her ability to get on the bike and go IF SHE WANTS! If she doesn't want to, then that's fine. I want to her to know that I'm stubborn and passionate about helping her in any way that I can. This bike fair, is one of those things. 

Yes, I'm that mom. I'll pull my kid out of school for a life experience. To me, it's worth it. It's worth the couple short hours she'll miss. It's worth it to help her be successful in other ways besides in the classroom. It's important that I give her every possibility that others have already. I have no idea what it's like to go through life with only five fingers. I can only hope that when she's older that she'll realize we did everything we could to help her. 

Some things are so taboo...

Today, I read a post on social media about another mama having a miscarriage and not knowing what to do. Her doctor gave her options and she was asking for help from anyone that had been in her situation.

While, I don't talk about it often, I've also experienced a miscarriage. When Bella was nine months old, we got pregnant again. Eight short weeks later, we went in for our first ultrasound and pregnancy staging. My mom was there and my husband. My mom was videoing the whole thing because she was so excited. I remember not seeing the little blip of the heartbeat on the monitor. I remember telling my mom to turn off the recording. I'm pretty sure I even said some profanities. I remember being taken to a small office to meet with my OB and her telling Ryan and I our options.

I remember sitting in that room in shock. While we had not "planned" that pregnancy, we were both excited. It was ours together. The joy of being pregnant was suddenly taken and the shock and sadness overcame me. There was nothing I could do to bring it back. The baby should have had a heart beat by then... but instead I was staring at an empty sac on a screen. The hopes for this baby were taken before I could even swallow the lump that sat in my throat.

Not only would I go through the stages of grief, my body would also have to experience this loss. It wasn't just over because the screen said so. My body had to do it's thing to absorb or expel what would have been our child. I was initially in denial that the heart beat wouldn't start.... as expected.

We spoke of our choices. I could let things happen naturally, have Cytotec inserted vaginally or have a D & C. Cytotec is a drug that would speed the process. A D&C meant a surgical procedure to have the tissue cleaned out. Being the hippie mama that I was, I wanted to do what was the easiest for my body and the least amount of stress. I also wanted to just take some time to soak in what was happening. I was still nursing Bella and didn't intend to quit. Under the guidance of our doctor, I opted initially to wait a few days to see what my body would do.

At follow up, nothing had happened. There was still no heart beat. No tissue had been expelled, instead my hormones and body still thought I was pregnant. We were literally at a stand still. I was shocked and in disbelief. What was wrong with my body that it wasn't doing anything! I was angry. I was angry that I was going through this. I was angry that I was sad. I was angry that my body wasn't working. After speaking again with my OB, we decided to Cytotec. After round one, nothing happened still. I bled a lot. Like couldn't leave the toilet a lot. Once again, at follow up, it was confirmed that the tissue was still there. The cramps were horrible. I was nauseous. I sat on the toilet, bleeding, as I held a trash can waiting to puke.

We opted for a second round of Cytotec "Sometimes the first one just gets things going and the second dose is what really gets the tissue to expel". Okay I thought, well I'm already going through hell so why not speed this whole thing up. I wanted to be over. I begged and pleaded with God, with my body, with any higher power that I thought might listen. Please just let my body work! In the meantime, I was still nursing Bella and trying drink as much as I could to produce the milk that her little body needed. She was the saving grace. She needed me and I needed to be needed. However, the second round was worse. The bleeding and nausea increased. The pain and cramping increased. I cried in the wee hours of the morning because I was so uncomfortable and my body felt like it was against me.

Back to the doctor a couple of days later and still nothing. It was confirmed that all the bleeding wasn't causing the tissue to expel. What the actual hell! I was even more angry. I remember wanting to punch something. Why did my body hate me? I just wanted to move passed the part of physical pain. I wanted to move forward with the emotional part and how could I with all of this still happening? At this point, I opted for the D&C. The part that gets me though is it is listed on your chart as an abortion. It pissed me off. I was NOT aborting my baby, I wasn't choosing for this to happen to me or to our family. Why must we as a society label EVERYTHING?! Whatever, I'd explain it when people read my chart if I must. I didn't want to be a stereotype of someone who made this decision... but society didn't care. That's a whole different post in itself! So I opted for the D&C and scheduled asap. 

The day came for the surgery. It was once again confirmed via internal ultrasound that the tissue was still there and no progress had been made. I was taken for surgery. I remember nursing Bella moments before then handing her off to Ryan. I remember waking up to a nurse asking me how I felt. I remember a volunteer handing me a little metal pin that had two foot prints on it, it had a little saying that said something about "we're sorry about your loss".  I remember thinking that was something that I would carry with me forever, I still have it. It sits hidden in a special spot. I remember being wheeled out of recovery and meeting Ryan and Bella. 

The physical journey had ended but the emotional journey had just begun. How do you deal with the loss of someone that you never even met but just loved just the same? You just do... you find your own way. I remember journaling. I remember wondering what the future of our family held, did we start trying for another baby soon, did we wait, what was the right thing to do? Looking back, there was no "right" choice... or wrong choice for that matter. I remember us making the decision to try again and getting pregnant shortly after. I remember the fear of possibly losing another baby. I remember trying not to emotionally attach and not to think about the future... until the heart beat was confirmed. 

Six and a half years later, here we sit. With three beautiful, healthy, spunky children. Our family is complete. Do I still think about that baby we lost? Yes, from time to time it comes up. I'm reminded often that Grayson is our rainbow baby, the one that came after our miscarriage. I'm also reminded the he saved my soul when my dad passed away and that our lives would be different had all of that not happened. I wear a necklace around my neck with a charm with each child's name... and a heart. The heart is the symbol of the baby we lost and the baby I loved. The others are a symbol of our life, the one we live, the one we love.

This year is different

Every year between Christmas and Grayson's birthday, I hit a slump that's hard for me to kick. It was super hard for me to initially admit that but one night on a Florida vacation a few years ago, my husband got it out of me. It was true, every year since my dad passed away, I had struggled from December to mid-March. I just wanted that time to pass and I wanted to curl up in a hole in my bed and cry.

It was hard to admit that I was struggling. It was also hard to admit that I had a difficult time celebrating both of my son's birthdays because I was in a slump. I didn't want or chose to be sad and depressed, it just sort of happened. It wasn't something I could kick on my own. It just happened and then didnt go away until after March was gone. It always felt like January to March were just a blur in life.

(My dad had a wolf obsession, these leggings remind me of him... my middle son, also happens to have a wolf obsession)

After that Florida trip, some things changed. I talked to my doctor and actually told her how I was feeling... the first step in my mind was admitting to someone else that I had an issue. On her suggestion, I saw a therapist. I went for a few sessions and didn't love her. I'd seen a therapist in my past to talk through some things, like my parents divorce and a teenage broken heart. I decided after a few sessions that wasn't what I needed. A phone conversation with my best friend, who has also lost her dad, worked much better and made me feel better in the end. I started journaling, not consistently but when I felt like I had something I needed to get off my chest. I started being more open with my husband about my feelings about my dad passing away and just life in general. So I  changed some things in my life. I started taking better care of me, not physically but emotionally. So often we forget to take care of our emotional well being.

This year has been the first year that I haven't seriously hit that slump. That doesn't mean I don't miss my dad. That's far from the truth. I think of all of the little moments he's missing. I often think of the time I "butt dialed" him while reading to Bella. I remember him calling me after the book was over and telling me that I must've accidentally called him and that he heard me. I remember him telling me what an incredible mom I was. I remember the emotion that ran through me hearing my dad tell me I was a pretty good mom.

Yes I miss him, yes some days after better than others, yes some days are not so good, this year though, it's been the best so far mentally and emotionally for me. I think taking care of me is important. Filling my cup so that I can care for my kids, my husband, my friends, my career... I'm lucky to have a husband who is ultra supportive of me and encourages me.

While a day doesn't pass that I don't think about my dad and wish he was here, self care has worked. I'm proof. So be sure to take care of you too. Take the time that need to grieve, to fill your cup, to express your emotions. For me, that means its constantly a work in progress. I must be adaptable. I must also realize that the pain will never go away, I'll just continue to grow and deal with it in a way that's healthy for me.

Options

We had our appointment with the prosthetic company a few days ago. I'm still trying to digest things. I think Bella is filled with excitement. I'm still trying to process it all. Insurance, myoelectric, body powered, occupational therapy, cost, time, learning, exploring, deciding, attempting. Never once I have I doubted my daughter's ability to figure things out in her own way. I can't tell you how many times I've practiced one handed shoe tying, zipping and buttoning. I've thought about how she'll open makeup containers, curl her hair or paint her nails.

Our appointment opened a few doors. Bella is dead set on a hook, she does NOT want a hand. She initially (a few years back) said they look "creepy". Currently she said "They aren't really creepy any more it's just not what I want". Fair enough, her body, her decision. So we discussed "hook hands". We have a couple of options. A body powered hook that would strap around her body. Excuse the lame picture but I wanted people who are clueless about this stuff to understand what it may look like. Basically the straps go around the shoulders and under the armpits. And you thought a bra was constricting!!

She's decided that the body powered hook would get in her way and bother her. She's for sure my child! I hate tight elastics, anything that constricts or doesn't allow me to move freely. The myoelectric would cover most of her left forearm, however it would have motors and such so that she does not need straps around her little body. She says that this would be a "good one for me because I'm not all strapped up".

For now, we wait. We wait for the company to get the myoelectric sensors so we can do some testing to be sure she's a candidate for a myoelectric. We wait for the prosthetist to talk with our insurance about costs and options. Did I mention how irritated I am that the insurance gets a say in what will work for her? It bothers me that someone sitting behind a desk gets to decide, that person probably has two completely functional hands and has no idea what their life would be like with less... It's like having someone tell me what pants will fit me best without knowing what I'll be wearing the pants for or what size I wear... Okay so yeah, we wait. Once those things get figured out, we go back in. Bella does the sensor testing and then we do some molds. We just had measurements done at our appointment the other day.

I'm good at waiting... or not!