The joys of being a mama

Being a parent is NO joke. I just had a conversation with one of my aunts about how as parents we do the very best we can and sometimes its just not enough, whether thats because our kids feel like its not enough or we feel like its not enough. There have been MANY times I've felt like a failure as a parent. I remember one time not strapping Bella into the bouncy seat and finding that she bounced right onto the floor! Hello I'm a pediatric nurse, don't I know better! Clearly not.

I mentioned before that we've had a rough few months with Luna being sick. It took a toll on all of us emotionally and mentally. Kids handle it in such different ways. It's the first close loss that my kiddos have experience and unfortunately it won't be the last. We, as parents, have tried to support them in any way that we can. We are beyond blessed to have a community of amazing teachers, incredible friends and support from all sides. Luca brought a sweet note home from a friend about how she was sorry. It was so thoughtful! Bella brought a note home from a friend too. So kind! Grayson's friend at school talked to him about it too. Such support from all sides and its been so important for the kids to feel that love.

Last night, Grayson was acting strange when he came home from school. He was extra snuggly and lovey. He's usually a snuggly guy but I could tell he was off. He snuggled on the couch and we read for an hour together. He started and FINISHED this book in one day! He still wouldn't open up about what was going on.

He came out after he went to bed and was crying over a wiggly tooth then I asked him if he wanted to just snuggle a bit longer. We snuggled until he fell asleep. As I watched him so relaxed curled up next to me, I just soaked it all in. This big boy was going to be turning 8 this year, how is that even possible? 

I thought about how powerful being a mother really was. I had the ability in that very moment to calm my child. I had the ability to rub his head and hold his hand, I knew what he liked and what made him feel comfortable and safe. I had the ability to just snuggle him until his body relaxed and he fell asleep. I had the power to help him calm down and just be peaceful. What an incredible gift as a parent. 

So in the midst of the chaos and the storms of life, I was given such an amazing gift. Being a parent is far from easy but it is so worth it! 

Most people are good

Have you heard the Luke Bryan song "Most People Are Good"? It's one of Bella and I's favorite songs. It's a great song!

"I believe most people are good and most mama's oughta qualify for sainthood...
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks. I believe most people are good."

If you ever see us jamming out in the minivan, it very well might be to this song. We blast it!

Here's the thing, there's so much bad in this world but what if, just what if we spend more time focusing on the good?

I reached out a few days ago to the founder of the Lucky Fin Project, Molly Stapleman, about music and a recorder. Bella's PE teacher this year mentioned that in the second semester they do recorders in music and she was thinking about how Bella would do that. (Side note: I love that she's thinking about Bella and how she can help her or what might help her even if it's NOT a PE thing. That's amazing!) Molly is an amazing advocate for children with limb differences. Hello she founded the Lucky Fin Project! I've followed her since before Bella was born. I should add that I've never actually met her in person, someday though, someday!

Molly offered to send us a recorder for Bella for FREE! This might not seem like a big deal to the rest of you. However for a kiddo with one hand that just wants to do everything that everyone else does, it's GIANT!! I was brought to tears when she said she'd send one and then said it was free. I offered to pay and she said no. Who does that? I'll tell you who, Molly does!

The community for kids and families of kids with limb difference is nothing short of amazing. I know I'm super passionate about it. I might even annoy the crap out of people with my excitement but seriously, be the good there is in this world. Everyone should be a little more like Molly!

Day one CNL Idaho!

When Mel said “it’s so rustric” she was SO right! Which is part of what draws us to this location. The little cabins, the rocky beach, the staff at the location, the boat rides, tubing, learning to swim, kayaking, hiking, the deck at Wells, the docks, the arch area… the snakes. Yep, I said it, this year I saw TWO snakes and thought that we might never come back to Camp Cross. I’m kidding, kind of. Snakes are NOT my friends.

You fly into Spokane and then make the trek over to Camp Cross, which is a little over an hour away. We rent a car. It would be a long Uber ride and honestly it just doesn’t seem realistic with the 5 of us and all of our luggage. It's really a pretty drive, so much lush green, mountains, sunshine. I was really soaking it up this time. 

This year we stopped at this little hole in the wall cheesesteak place that we found on my phone. It got great reviews so we opted to give it a shot. It was the best cheesesteak I've ever eaten and this girl loves her cheesesteak! Though with recent changes to my diet, I haven't had one in SO long. Maybe that's another reason I really loved it. Ryan and I both got different ones and loved them. The kids got cold cut sandwiches, lame! However after a long travel day, we started at 330 am, we opted to just let it be. Boy did they miss out! 

The first afternoon at camp is a lot of reuniting with old friends and making new friends. There’s no quicker place to make friends than right at camp! I can’t even explain how quickly friendships are formed or how they build over the years and through miles across the country. This picture is of "old friends" reuniting, or more like, the little girls sucked Keegan into kayaking the minute the waterfront was open!

These strangers become family by the end of the 3 ½ days. You come to know information that may not be shared with others. You hear about their story, the way their child’s limb difference occurred, their feelings behind finding out, the difficult experiences they’ve been through, the accomplishments, the fears, the way others react, how they advocate for their child…. The list goes on. I told my nursing students that I wish they could learn from the way these parents advocate for their children. I'm almost amazed when I leave camp at how sad I am to say good-bye. The photo below is new friends that were made instantly!

Due to our travel, we arrived right before waterfront activities. Lots of bonding occurs on that rocky shore, among kids, among adults, among volunteers and families... it's endless, honestly. Watching the kids go from barely knowing some of the campers to swimming together, jumping in the water holding hands, kayaking, canoeing, building rock forms and this year painting rocks!

I didn't get many pictures of "Rubber Pig Baseball" but I did happen to grab a couple. I'm not sure why it's called rubber pig baseball considering I only ever saw a rubber chicken! Either way, it was a blast.Fun was had by all! 

 We finished the night with S'mores by the campfire. The fire happens RIGHT on the rocky shore overlooking the water. It's so relaxing and refreshing.

I think everyone really likes the S'Mores considering my kids
kept asking if they could have more! The great thing is that we all come together again and teamwork makes the dream work. The volunteers, teens and adults just  all pitch in to help with all of the kids. It literally is a village of people that cares about you and your family. There's not a better reminder than the first day back at Camp No Limits!

I watched her sleeping

Last night, Bella asked to sleep in my bed since her daddy was working. I quickly agreed. Soon a day will come that she won't want to sleep in my bed. Tonight she did.

I got in bed late, as usual and looked over at her. Peacefully asleep on her daddy's pillow. Her long lashes rested on her cheeks, her whispy hair all over, her bunny next to her, all the covers kicked off. I watched her, I soaked her in. There next to me, lay my eight year old daughter. No longer a little peanut but instead a beautiful little girl took her place. Tears begin to softly roll down my cheeks. I couldn't shake the way I felt as I lie there and soak her in.

I remember being pregnant with her, wondering what she would be like, how she would grow, what her life would be like, what kind of person she would grow to be... so many what ifs.

Today,  I watched her as the tears rolled down my face onto my pillow. What a sweet soul she has become, always looking out for those around her. Always protecting her brothers and looking out for them. The other mother in our house. A bit of a worrier, a wonderer, sensitive, yet strong and stubborn, sassy but sweet and kind.

She patiently worked with Luca at the pool this passed weekend until he knew how to swim underwater at the tender age of four. She held her arms out as he jumped to her, his net of safety. She pushed him back to the stairs with the encouragement to try again, and again... and again. She tossed a toy to the bottom of the pool, went under, pulled it then explained the process to her little brother. She coached him on how to do the same thing, she reminded him that she would be right there. I didn't interfere, instead I just watched. I watched as she had the patience of a saint teaching her brother how to be just like her, swimming freely in the pool.

How was I so lucky to be this sweet girl's mama? How was it that 8 years had passed? How was it that now some of "what-ifs" were answered?

My dear girl,
You make me proud. Your kindness shines. Your laughter fills a room. Your warmness welcomes anyone to become your friend. I am proud of the sweet girl you are becoming and the way you treat those that are so lucky to be in your life. You guard my heart and are always thinking of how I'm feeling. You constantly remember that my dad died and how hard it must be for me without him. You are pushing me closer to God and pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes even grown ups need a push!

So you struggle with math, you get frustrated. My dear, life is not always easy. You pick yourself up again, you try again with all your might. You'll get it, be patient. I will always be her to pick you up and help you fight. You'll get it, we'll get it.

Know that it's okay to cry, for sadness and for joy. It shows that you have emotions and feelings. Life is all about expressing that to others. Showing them that you care, telling them that you love them and reminded them how happy they are. As I've said time and time again, I'm lucky to be your mama. I'm glad you are my daughter. There's no other daughter I would rather have in this planet.

As you grow, I wish you love, love like your daddy and I have. I wish you peace in your life, time for yourself and taking care of you. Peace when you feel overwhelmed or are hurting. I wish you friendships, like the friendship GG and mama have, an unending friendship that's there for life. I wish you happiness, like the happiness that I get when I'm reading with you at night. I wish you strength, strength to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep giving all of you to your life. I wish you adventure, the kind of adventure that makes life really worth living, the ones that make memories that last a lifetime. Money can't buy you happiness or peace, but adventure sure can!

Spread your wings my sweet child. I'll keep watching you soar!