It's gym day!

This is our "morning gym day routine"...

"Mom can you tie my shoes?" As I'm naked getting out of the shower and still wet. I mean, just because I'm in the shower or getting out of the shower AND the door is closed, clearly means nothing in this house... ever! Even the dog nudges the door open if it's not all the way latched.

"Babe, you know how to tie your shoes."

"But Mom, it's a gym day and if I do it they'll come lose during gym and I could hurt myself."

"Bella seriously you know how to tie your shoes, you are 8 years old girl."

"Mom I don't want to hurt myself in gym. It'll be better if you do it." I finish drying off and tell her to brush her teeth while I get myself dressed. I come back and and tie her shoes.

"Boo you really have to practice this. You've said you want to be independent and then you ask me every day to tie your shoes."

"Well I do want to be independent with SOME things."

"Well tying shoes is something you are going to be independent at real soon sister!" Out of the bathroom she goes begging me to make a smoothie.

She's playing the card folks. The "I need to be safe and I only have one hand card." Trust me, I know this kid, she's been playing this for awhile now. She's not concerned about safety when she's trying to use a sharp knife to cut an apple.

"Leave me alone! Let me do it! I'm TRYING to be independent and you guys aren't helping me if YOU do it!"

She's even got her younger brother to tie her shoes.

"Grayson can you tie my shoes, I only have one hand and it's harder for me." That kid loves his sister like he loves no one else and he happily ties her shoes.

Those cards are played out folks. She made a video on how to tie shoes for another limb different kid. If she can do it on video, I have proof that she CAN be independent and SAFE when she ties her shoes... though I can't fault her. Now can someone come cook my dinner, I'm not safe with sharp knives or fire.

Mental health is messed up...

This blog is usually about Bella but today I'm shedding some light on a different situation. Mental health... our current situation in our county alone sucks... I'm about to get on a soapbox... consider yourself warned :)

When I gave birth to Grayson just TWO short days after my dad suddenly passed away, I told my doctor that I was worried about postpartum depression. She said "we'll address it if it arises." I don't fault her for saying that but now looking back here's my thought. I was a mom of an 18 month-old and a newborn. My dad suddenly and unexpectedly passed away and I was not able to be there. I was close with my dad, to say my heart was broken is an understatement of the century. I've never in my life cried harder, I've never in my life been so angry with God. I've never in my life had to deal with the circle of life so closely.

Here's the thing, why not give me the skills I needed to prevent PPD? Why not have someone see me that can help me through dealing with two littles AND the death of the first man I ever loved? Why wait? Why wait until I was on the verge of completely losing my shit? Or taking my life? To be clear, I never reached that point... why? Because I pushed the grief far down, I buried it in a part of me that I didn't even know existed. I cried in the middle of the night while nursing my newborn son or in the shower while my husband was tending to the kids. Other than that, I kept my shit together. I appeared happy and never dealt with the loss of my father until years later.

Five years later, I saw a therapist. We rehashed my feelings that surrounded the death of my father. You can only beat a dead horse so many times... so I stopped. I'm thankful to have an incredible support around me, family, friends, my husband, friends who have been through the death of a parents, moms... I couldn't do and STILL couldn't do it without them.

Fast forward to today, I'm seeking some guidance for one of our children. I've exhausted a billion resources. Children's hospital has a ONE year waiting list. One year people! Aurora will only see current Aurora patients. Other people only see kids that are 7 1/2... So me being proactive... I feel like they are telling me to just wait. Wait for what? As if magically at 7 1/2 things will change? Psychologists that come with "bad" reviews have openings, but why would I trust them with my child if others did and they failed them? So, alas we wait.

I thank God that I'm an educated woman that will stop at nothing. They taught me how to advocate in nursing school and I'm a crazy mama advocate when it comes to my own children. A nurse mama... a pediatric nurse mama that's outspoken, won't back down and continues the course, watch out world! I also know how to research. Yay for being a nurse that has a strong background in the ability to research. That's what I'm doing, I'm making phone calls, leaving messages, researching and implementing things at home ON MY OWN. Without the guidance of the people that I want or need because I can't wait. My child does not deserve to wait.

I only get one chance at this mama thing. I only get one Bella, one Grayson and one Luca. It's my job to advocate for them, lift them up, help them rise above. It's my job to fight for what they need and deserve. Watch out world, this mama is on a mission.

I watched her sleeping

Last night, Bella asked to sleep in my bed since her daddy was working. I quickly agreed. Soon a day will come that she won't want to sleep in my bed. Tonight she did.

I got in bed late, as usual and looked over at her. Peacefully asleep on her daddy's pillow. Her long lashes rested on her cheeks, her whispy hair all over, her bunny next to her, all the covers kicked off. I watched her, I soaked her in. There next to me, lay my eight year old daughter. No longer a little peanut but instead a beautiful little girl took her place. Tears begin to softly roll down my cheeks. I couldn't shake the way I felt as I lie there and soak her in.

I remember being pregnant with her, wondering what she would be like, how she would grow, what her life would be like, what kind of person she would grow to be... so many what ifs.

Today,  I watched her as the tears rolled down my face onto my pillow. What a sweet soul she has become, always looking out for those around her. Always protecting her brothers and looking out for them. The other mother in our house. A bit of a worrier, a wonderer, sensitive, yet strong and stubborn, sassy but sweet and kind.

She patiently worked with Luca at the pool this passed weekend until he knew how to swim underwater at the tender age of four. She held her arms out as he jumped to her, his net of safety. She pushed him back to the stairs with the encouragement to try again, and again... and again. She tossed a toy to the bottom of the pool, went under, pulled it then explained the process to her little brother. She coached him on how to do the same thing, she reminded him that she would be right there. I didn't interfere, instead I just watched. I watched as she had the patience of a saint teaching her brother how to be just like her, swimming freely in the pool.

How was I so lucky to be this sweet girl's mama? How was it that 8 years had passed? How was it that now some of "what-ifs" were answered?

My dear girl,
You make me proud. Your kindness shines. Your laughter fills a room. Your warmness welcomes anyone to become your friend. I am proud of the sweet girl you are becoming and the way you treat those that are so lucky to be in your life. You guard my heart and are always thinking of how I'm feeling. You constantly remember that my dad died and how hard it must be for me without him. You are pushing me closer to God and pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes even grown ups need a push!

So you struggle with math, you get frustrated. My dear, life is not always easy. You pick yourself up again, you try again with all your might. You'll get it, be patient. I will always be her to pick you up and help you fight. You'll get it, we'll get it.

Know that it's okay to cry, for sadness and for joy. It shows that you have emotions and feelings. Life is all about expressing that to others. Showing them that you care, telling them that you love them and reminded them how happy they are. As I've said time and time again, I'm lucky to be your mama. I'm glad you are my daughter. There's no other daughter I would rather have in this planet.

As you grow, I wish you love, love like your daddy and I have. I wish you peace in your life, time for yourself and taking care of you. Peace when you feel overwhelmed or are hurting. I wish you friendships, like the friendship GG and mama have, an unending friendship that's there for life. I wish you happiness, like the happiness that I get when I'm reading with you at night. I wish you strength, strength to keep fighting, keep pushing, keep giving all of you to your life. I wish you adventure, the kind of adventure that makes life really worth living, the ones that make memories that last a lifetime. Money can't buy you happiness or peace, but adventure sure can!

Spread your wings my sweet child. I'll keep watching you soar!