Can we talk about "camp dads"?

Which ones are daughters and which ones are dads? Hard to tell with the hats and dresses but I'm pretty sure the facial hair gives it away! This is the second year that some of these guys have dressed up for the talent show because their girls asked them. Talk about a dedicated group of men.

Guess who? I'd hate to give it away BUT I will tell you there's yellow tape over his nipple because Luca promptly came down the stairs and said "I see your nipple"... nipple covered= problem solved!

Who's this stud? None other than my handsome husband! I about died when I saw him! I came down the stairs to ask him to go with me to take a family picture on the beach... needless to say that didn't happen. He also said he was glad he's not a woman because the dress is itchy. Too bad that's the least of my worries as a woman! Let's give him some boobs, some stretch marks, 9 months pregnant, and some heels and see how he does :) I'm kidding... kind of!

Can we talk about these lovely parents of TRIPLETS? Dad is a military cop. Mom is a badass, homeschooling, military wife with triplets with all different needs. He put the boobs in his dress on his own. I bet Erin is glad he belongs to her :) 

In all seriousness, I meet with these dad's in the parents group. They share intimate details of their lives and challenges they face, fears they face and the way they handle situations that challenge them with their kids. These dads are incredible. I wish I had a picture of ALL of the amazing dads at camp. Idaho camp has some killer dads that are super involved with their children. Another dad comes to mind that has a teen, he's a strong guy who is attempting to instill a strong dose of confidence in his kid. 

These guys are completely incredible. They share moments at camp with each other and the other families. Watching their bonds form stronger each day and each year continues to make me proud to know them all. 

At the end of camp, I'm reminded how blessed I am to have this man by my side. Thirteen years ago, our journey together started, in a car across the country. Thirteen years ago, I had no idea that we would be here today sharing this life together. After less than a year of dating, I knew that I wanted him to be my husband. Today and every day for the rest of my life, I will love this man to the depths of my heart and soul. I'm glad he's on my team to parent our babies. I'm glad I get to share Camp No Limits with him. Here's the thing, some times I take for granted that we have each other. In the last year especially, I'm reminded why we picked each other. Together we can work through anything and come out stronger together. I'm beyond lucky to have such a strong man by my side! 

Seven years...

Seven years seems like a lifetime to live without you. How is it possible that seven years have passed? In one way it seems like yesterday. It another way it seems like a lifetime ago. It's true, no one on this planet can you love you the way that your parents do. No one can love me the way that he did. No one will ever love me in that way. No one will ever look at me the way he did. No one will give me the advice or the encouragement that he did.

Seven years ago today, I lost the first man that ever loved me. The first man I danced on his feet. The only man that ever told me "Sis do what's best for you, do what makes YOU happy." He encouraged me to spread my wings and fly, to reach far, far beyond anything I ever thought was possible.

I remember the study sessions in his living room while in nursing school. There would be 3-5 of us with textbooks galore on his living room floor. I vividly remember him coming home and asking "Who ate all the brownies? Where are the rest of the ladies?"

"I did!" 

"Wait, YOU ate all of them? No one else was here? Sis!"

"Stress, freshman 15... nursing school." He smiled, hugged me and then let me get back to my studies. 

I don't think my heart will ever be ready for the loss that it faced. I don't think my soul was ready for the emptiness and constant ache. I officially call bullshit to one of the things I learned in nursing school. The five stages of grief.  Did I go through all of them? Not so much. I'm still in some of them... Here's the thing, I'll never accept that he was taken from me, from us, too soon. I'll never accept the way that he died or the fact that my children don't get to experience their Papa John. I'll never accept that this is my harsh reality. There's a part of me that will always be empty. 

I do know that today, he'd be proud. He'd be proud of Ryan and I's marriage. He'd be proud of me as a mother to my three babies. He'd be proud of my job as a nursing professor. He'd be proud of us camping and exploring. 

What's different about today than years passed? This year, I opted to celebrate Grayson's birthday on the seventh anniversary of his Papa's death. Why? Because I know me, I get sad and I get in a funk. That's not fair to anyone. So instead, we'll be celebrating the birth of his grandson! This year will be a little brighter and a little better than the last.

Though I'll never accept that this happened. I'm reminded that life isn't fair. I'm reminded that I was oh so lucky to share the first 30 years of my life with him. I got to make 30 years of memories with him, though sometimes they feel so far away. There are other times I'm reminded that he would want me living my best life being the best me that I could be. This year, I'll be doing just that. I hope you are watching Dad! 

On grief and love

This week, several of my friends have been impacted by the loss of someone they love. It's heartbreaking to me to watch their lives shatter before their eyes and the changes that happen due to the loss of one person.

My best friend told me some expert advice when my dad died. She said something along these lines...

It never gets easier, the pain never goes away. We just learn to deal with it differently. There are days you won't cry at all then there will be a whole week when you just break down. Sometimes it hits you at the most random times or in the most random places. Your heart feels heavy. Your life will never be the same. It will go on, in a way that's different than you know.


She was right. Six and a half years later I still feel the same way.

She was one of the only people that didn't say "God has a plan" or "God needed him more". When people said that, I knew they were trying to console me. Instead there was a fire in my soul that it added gasoline to. The fire burned bigger and brighter each time. I hated God in that moment. God was the last person I wanted to hear about. My heart was screaming out that there was no way that anyone needed him more than I did.

(Making memories with my babies and my husband)

There was no doubt in my heart that my babies needed to meet the man that raised me, they needed to know him not from me but from him. My babies needed to see his laughter and feel his arms wrapped tightly around them. They needed to see the way that he loved his children and that he loved his grandchildren. They needed to watch him face life fearlessly and live each moment as if it might be his last. If you knew him, you know that he did that.

(Pancakes for my kids, my mom did this for us when we were little and I remember it to this day. Re-creating those memories with my babies!)

What I've learned from all of this, share the love. Whether it's picking up the phone and calling an old friend or sending them a Facebook message. Spend time with the people you love, forget the gifts, build the memories. I can tell you there's not one memory I have with my dad that I regret. Do I have things of his that I remember him by? Sure I do. The things that stick out are the memories we made, not the things I can hold in my hands. Hold those babies tighter. Take that trip, who cares about the couch that could be replaced, the couch can wait, the trip can't. Read that extra book. Go on that extra long bike ride. Don't wake up tomorrow regretting something you could've said but didn't. Make today count.

Adaptive bike fair update

We were the first two people to arrive and the fine folks of Emery's were still setting up. I was greeted by Brent one of the owners and then later by Ben another owner. They happen to be brothers and work together to make the adaptations possible. I really enjoyed meeting both of them. Ben reminded me SO much of my dad. He's tall and built like my dad. His personality is much like my dad too. He's crafty in a mechanical way, I was blown away about his resemblance to my dad. I told Bella in front of him that he reminded me of Papa John.

Both Ben and Brent were awesome, they make custom bikes to meet the needs of their customers. I was seriously blown away by some of the bikes they've made for customers. They are incredible. Every child and adult should have the opportunity to do things that so many of us take for granted... like bike riding! Look at all of these amazing bikes, seriously incredibly!

I can't believe such a resource exists and I had no idea it was so close. It's unfortunate that when you go to your appointments with your pediatrician or even to the ortho clinic at Children's that these resources are not given to families. This is the stuff we as parents NEED to know about!

This is similar to the adaptation they would make. The black piece at the top would be curled more to hold her hand steady in place. 

This is Brent working with Bella to show her the adaptation that they were thinking who would for her.  She said that she liked that it was comfortable on her left hand and she thinks it would make a difference. 

How can you not just open your wallet and hand over your credit card. It's tough. I told her that we had to come home and show Daddy and talk to him too. It's hard because I want to give her the world on a silver platter. It's also hard because if we spend the money, I want her to use it. I love the idea of supporting a smaller, local bike shop that does incredible work and truly cares about creating the best fit for their customers.

So what's the cost? For the complete set up on her current bike, it would be about $500. That's a hard number to swallow. It's not a need, it's for sure a want. Or is it a need when you only have one hand? How can we not give her the same opportunity that other kids have? How can we not help her to feel more comfortable and confident on the bike? Are we terrible parents for not just plunking down the credit card? Are we thinking too much into it? Is it truly necessary? Can we help her for a more reasonable cost? What are some other things that we could do? Do you drop any amount of money on your kids for things that you think are necessary? Are they truly necessary? What amount of money is reasonable? Those are all things we'll have to discuss tonight. 

This year is different

Every year between Christmas and Grayson's birthday, I hit a slump that's hard for me to kick. It was super hard for me to initially admit that but one night on a Florida vacation a few years ago, my husband got it out of me. It was true, every year since my dad passed away, I had struggled from December to mid-March. I just wanted that time to pass and I wanted to curl up in a hole in my bed and cry.

It was hard to admit that I was struggling. It was also hard to admit that I had a difficult time celebrating both of my son's birthdays because I was in a slump. I didn't want or chose to be sad and depressed, it just sort of happened. It wasn't something I could kick on my own. It just happened and then didnt go away until after March was gone. It always felt like January to March were just a blur in life.

(My dad had a wolf obsession, these leggings remind me of him... my middle son, also happens to have a wolf obsession)

After that Florida trip, some things changed. I talked to my doctor and actually told her how I was feeling... the first step in my mind was admitting to someone else that I had an issue. On her suggestion, I saw a therapist. I went for a few sessions and didn't love her. I'd seen a therapist in my past to talk through some things, like my parents divorce and a teenage broken heart. I decided after a few sessions that wasn't what I needed. A phone conversation with my best friend, who has also lost her dad, worked much better and made me feel better in the end. I started journaling, not consistently but when I felt like I had something I needed to get off my chest. I started being more open with my husband about my feelings about my dad passing away and just life in general. So I  changed some things in my life. I started taking better care of me, not physically but emotionally. So often we forget to take care of our emotional well being.

This year has been the first year that I haven't seriously hit that slump. That doesn't mean I don't miss my dad. That's far from the truth. I think of all of the little moments he's missing. I often think of the time I "butt dialed" him while reading to Bella. I remember him calling me after the book was over and telling me that I must've accidentally called him and that he heard me. I remember him telling me what an incredible mom I was. I remember the emotion that ran through me hearing my dad tell me I was a pretty good mom.

Yes I miss him, yes some days after better than others, yes some days are not so good, this year though, it's been the best so far mentally and emotionally for me. I think taking care of me is important. Filling my cup so that I can care for my kids, my husband, my friends, my career... I'm lucky to have a husband who is ultra supportive of me and encourages me.

While a day doesn't pass that I don't think about my dad and wish he was here, self care has worked. I'm proof. So be sure to take care of you too. Take the time that need to grieve, to fill your cup, to express your emotions. For me, that means its constantly a work in progress. I must be adaptable. I must also realize that the pain will never go away, I'll just continue to grow and deal with it in a way that's healthy for me.