Healthy living

I’m 3 weeks into this healthy eating thing and I feel fantastic… no really I swear, I do. I’m sleeping like I haven’t slept in 8 years. Instead of getting up three or four times and night and tossing and turning, I get up once a night to use the bathroom (thank you kids for giving me “the mom bladder”) and then go right back to sleep. It’s incredible. I’m feeling better in my own body and I’m owning up to the mistakes I made with eating and exercise in the past.

What mistakes did I make exactly? I would workout like a boss then come home and eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies (hello, I live with a dealer!) What point was the workout when eating like that? Well the point was that it gave me about an hour and a half of kid free, me time. Was it worth it? Hell to the yes!  It was for my sanity but it also wasn’t helping my waistline or the way I felt overall. I was still sluggish and tired and sleeping like crap.

What am I doing differently at the gym? Well I’m still working out like a boss. I’m paying attention to how my body feels and listening more to those cues. You know when you work with a trainer to push you to lift heavier or they give you the motivation for just one more? I’m able to push myself a little harder and a little further now. I still work with a trainer about once every month or so to be sure I’m mixing up what I’m doing and that I’m targeting all of my muscle groups. She gives me a plan and then I follow that plan until we meet again to mix things up. When my knees start aching on the stairclimber, I switch up my cardio. If my feet are killing from my plantar fasciitis, I try the bike. Yes, when you pay attention, your body guides you in what’s best that day. I still push myself, I still get a good workout but I’m really listening to what my body needs in that moment.

How’s the eating thing? No I’m not eating sticks and twigs. I’m actually full almost all of the time. I’m eating on a schedule and set amounts with the help of a coach. She’s helping me kill my nutrition goals. I haven’t weighed or measured since I started three weeks ago so today’s the day. I allowed her to tell me when to weigh and measure, so instead of just following the scale, I can feel the difference in my body. I’m excited to see if the measurements or scale show a change… I feel like they both will! I’m figuring out how to prepare things in a healthy manner so that they taste good and make me feel satisfied. The unreal thing? I don’t really have a craving for the sweets that I so loved before.

My self-control has been really good too. Why? I think because I was truly ready for a change. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. There were donuts in the conference room at work the other day and though I cursed under my breath (who doesn’t love donuts?!), I didn’t eat one. There were cookies at the meeting yesterday and I chose carrots. Why? Because again, the craving for that sweet stuff isn’t really there.

How has having a coach helped? Honestly, I needed that accountability. I knew I had to send her pictures of my food or a food journal. I didn’t want to disappoint her and I knew she was working hard to keep me on track. For me, having someone coach me with the nutrition piece has been essential. Even sending a quick text of “can I eat this?” has helped me understand reading labels better (though most of my food doesn’t have labels now!). She’s also helped me understand why my body needs certain foods and how they affect how I feel.

What keeps you motivated? Any specific foods that you love? Has someone been your motivation or inspiration? I’m curious what others are doing and what keeps you focused! Share away, remember we are all in this together, having support is key!

Some things are so taboo...

Today, I read a post on social media about another mama having a miscarriage and not knowing what to do. Her doctor gave her options and she was asking for help from anyone that had been in her situation.

While, I don't talk about it often, I've also experienced a miscarriage. When Bella was nine months old, we got pregnant again. Eight short weeks later, we went in for our first ultrasound and pregnancy staging. My mom was there and my husband. My mom was videoing the whole thing because she was so excited. I remember not seeing the little blip of the heartbeat on the monitor. I remember telling my mom to turn off the recording. I'm pretty sure I even said some profanities. I remember being taken to a small office to meet with my OB and her telling Ryan and I our options.

I remember sitting in that room in shock. While we had not "planned" that pregnancy, we were both excited. It was ours together. The joy of being pregnant was suddenly taken and the shock and sadness overcame me. There was nothing I could do to bring it back. The baby should have had a heart beat by then... but instead I was staring at an empty sac on a screen. The hopes for this baby were taken before I could even swallow the lump that sat in my throat.

Not only would I go through the stages of grief, my body would also have to experience this loss. It wasn't just over because the screen said so. My body had to do it's thing to absorb or expel what would have been our child. I was initially in denial that the heart beat wouldn't start.... as expected.

We spoke of our choices. I could let things happen naturally, have Cytotec inserted vaginally or have a D & C. Cytotec is a drug that would speed the process. A D&C meant a surgical procedure to have the tissue cleaned out. Being the hippie mama that I was, I wanted to do what was the easiest for my body and the least amount of stress. I also wanted to just take some time to soak in what was happening. I was still nursing Bella and didn't intend to quit. Under the guidance of our doctor, I opted initially to wait a few days to see what my body would do.

At follow up, nothing had happened. There was still no heart beat. No tissue had been expelled, instead my hormones and body still thought I was pregnant. We were literally at a stand still. I was shocked and in disbelief. What was wrong with my body that it wasn't doing anything! I was angry. I was angry that I was going through this. I was angry that I was sad. I was angry that my body wasn't working. After speaking again with my OB, we decided to Cytotec. After round one, nothing happened still. I bled a lot. Like couldn't leave the toilet a lot. Once again, at follow up, it was confirmed that the tissue was still there. The cramps were horrible. I was nauseous. I sat on the toilet, bleeding, as I held a trash can waiting to puke.

We opted for a second round of Cytotec "Sometimes the first one just gets things going and the second dose is what really gets the tissue to expel". Okay I thought, well I'm already going through hell so why not speed this whole thing up. I wanted to be over. I begged and pleaded with God, with my body, with any higher power that I thought might listen. Please just let my body work! In the meantime, I was still nursing Bella and trying drink as much as I could to produce the milk that her little body needed. She was the saving grace. She needed me and I needed to be needed. However, the second round was worse. The bleeding and nausea increased. The pain and cramping increased. I cried in the wee hours of the morning because I was so uncomfortable and my body felt like it was against me.

Back to the doctor a couple of days later and still nothing. It was confirmed that all the bleeding wasn't causing the tissue to expel. What the actual hell! I was even more angry. I remember wanting to punch something. Why did my body hate me? I just wanted to move passed the part of physical pain. I wanted to move forward with the emotional part and how could I with all of this still happening? At this point, I opted for the D&C. The part that gets me though is it is listed on your chart as an abortion. It pissed me off. I was NOT aborting my baby, I wasn't choosing for this to happen to me or to our family. Why must we as a society label EVERYTHING?! Whatever, I'd explain it when people read my chart if I must. I didn't want to be a stereotype of someone who made this decision... but society didn't care. That's a whole different post in itself! So I opted for the D&C and scheduled asap. 

The day came for the surgery. It was once again confirmed via internal ultrasound that the tissue was still there and no progress had been made. I was taken for surgery. I remember nursing Bella moments before then handing her off to Ryan. I remember waking up to a nurse asking me how I felt. I remember a volunteer handing me a little metal pin that had two foot prints on it, it had a little saying that said something about "we're sorry about your loss".  I remember thinking that was something that I would carry with me forever, I still have it. It sits hidden in a special spot. I remember being wheeled out of recovery and meeting Ryan and Bella. 

The physical journey had ended but the emotional journey had just begun. How do you deal with the loss of someone that you never even met but just loved just the same? You just do... you find your own way. I remember journaling. I remember wondering what the future of our family held, did we start trying for another baby soon, did we wait, what was the right thing to do? Looking back, there was no "right" choice... or wrong choice for that matter. I remember us making the decision to try again and getting pregnant shortly after. I remember the fear of possibly losing another baby. I remember trying not to emotionally attach and not to think about the future... until the heart beat was confirmed. 

Six and a half years later, here we sit. With three beautiful, healthy, spunky children. Our family is complete. Do I still think about that baby we lost? Yes, from time to time it comes up. I'm reminded often that Grayson is our rainbow baby, the one that came after our miscarriage. I'm also reminded the he saved my soul when my dad passed away and that our lives would be different had all of that not happened. I wear a necklace around my neck with a charm with each child's name... and a heart. The heart is the symbol of the baby we lost and the baby I loved. The others are a symbol of our life, the one we live, the one we love.

It's not always about us...

Part of this blog is education. Part of it is sharing our story. Part of it is connecting families. I've been beyond thrilled to do all and then some. Today, I'm sharing a story that will educate you, that's part of our story... of someone who is connected to our family. Josh Kennison is a friend, he's one of the warmest, welcoming people that you'll ever meet.

I remember one of my first conversations with him at Florida Camp No Limits. I remember him asking me about being a mother of a child with a limb difference. He asked about my feelings and thoughts and he also asked if I thought about it when I had each of the boys. I openly shared my thoughts and feelings with him, like he had been a friend for years. I knew he wasn't someone that would judge me or make me feel a certain way. That alone is priceless. As a parent, we often feel others are judging us... he did not make me feel this way. He genuinely listened and took in what I was saying.

What did I tell him? I wasn't afraid when I found out Bella had a limb difference, there were many "what if" questions but none of them were fear for me. I told him how Ryan and I researched shoe tying, ponytails, nail painting, crawling... the research was endless, we just wanted to be the best parents we could for our daughter. I remember telling him that I wasn't afraid of having other children with limb differences. I was more afraid of how my heart could have room to love two and then three babies all the same (don't worry it does!).

I remember watching Josh with the kids at camp. I watched him with the siblings. I watched him hug kids or offer his arm for them to hold. I watched Grayson pretend to be Josh because he admired him. I remember Grayson saying "Hi I'm Josh, nice to meet ya" as he was playing in our room. Clearly Josh had made an impact. His cool, kind demeanor touched my sweet three year old.

Today, Josh needs our help. He's having some struggles. He's a strong man, an independent man, a selfless man. Take time to read his story. Donate if you can, pray if you can, send him your positive thoughts, he could use it. Today is about helping Josh make ends meet so that he doesn't have to struggle.

https://www.gofundme.com/staying-caught-up