Share the strep... or not!

Poor little lover girl has strep throat. We had a birthday party at our house for Grayson a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking some little first grader shared strep with us. I got it first, then Luca, now Bella. That's the joy of having kids, they share mostly when you don't want them too!

Luckily for me, I have a great job with more flexibility than I've ever had. I don't teach a class on Monday's and I work from home on Mondays, which allows me to balance the day with laundry, the gym, emails, changing my course and yesterday, taking care of a sick kiddo. When people are sick, I tend to do more laundry, even if its not a puke bug... blankets get washed, sheets get changed, new toothbrushes for everyone!

Luckier for all of us is that we have some fabulous neighbors who help out more than I can mention. Seriously, from getting kids on and off the bus, to offering to take my sick kid for the day. They are like a second set of parents to our kids. I honestly don't know what we would do without them. When they say it takes a village, they truly mean it! I can't tell you how thankful I am to have found our village here!

"That's why I love camp!"

After our incident at school this week, we had a little chat about kids and perceptions. We also talked about how younger kids are really curious and just trying to learn and figure things out. Bigger kids might not be used to someone with a limb difference.

 Bella talked about how there's a little kindergarten friend at school that always shows everyone her hand. She said "Mom he has hearing aids and doesn't realize that he has something different about him too. I told him Henry* my hand is different, just like your hearing aids are different. That's what makes us special, that we all have differences. Mom he still shows everyone about my hand but I just laugh."

"That's why I love camp! Everyone there has a limb difference or has a kid or a brother or sister with a limb difference so it's like no big deal. No one cares that you have a limb difference, you are just accepted exactly the way that you. I love it!"

"Yeah that is the great thing about camp, everyone is there to love you and teach you things and no one cares at all that we are all different."

"I know that's why it's so great, I'll always go to camp, no matter what!"

This is exactly why we go to Camp No Limits! While we work hard to get scholarships and raise funds to go to camp, we also spend a fair amount of money of our own on airfare and transportation. Her comments alone are worth every single penny that we spend. Camp is an investment for ALL of us! If you or someone you know would like to help us get to camp, you can donate here. We appreciate any all donations, no matter if it's 50 cents or 50 dollars, we appreciate everything that helps us attend camp!

Through CNL I've met friends that will be lifelong friends, I've met advocates, I've met therapists and other kids, siblings and parents that have changed my life in a variety of ways. I agree with Bella. Camp is great. No one cares about your limb difference, no one cares that you are different, they love and embrace you just the same. They also love and embrace us ALL!


*name changed for privacy

Day Made

I've posted time after time about struggling. Tonight, the house was a wreck, we were running around like usual. Homework, chores, baths, cleaning, laundry, lunches, reading, bed. We try really hard to make bedtime a priority. Each kid usually gets a chapter read to them (In Bella's case) or a book (for the littler guys). I say usually because sometimes it just doesn't happen.

I climbed in bed with Bella to read to her. I finished her chapter and we were talking. We were laughing and snuggling. She said "You are the best mom ever". I told her how much that meant to me and how that was the very best part of my day. I told her how I really appreciated her sharing that she felt that way with me. "You really are the best mom ever". My heart was full. My mind was calm.

These are always the moments that I'll never regret spending. In the race of madness, it's just me and her... or me and one of the boys. It's one on one time that's so precious, so rare and so needed. These little reading moments add up. Tonight they added up to a really big moment for me.

There are times, so, so many times, that I wonder if I'm giving my kids the best I can. The balance eludes me most days... almost all days. Tonight, the balance was tough, as usual. It was a day that I wanted to throw in the towel and crawl in the bed. I didn't. I finished strong... stronger than I started. Thanks to my girl for being my bucket filler. For making me realize that even though sometimes I fail, I get back up stronger, I try harder. I'm glad she's mine. I'm glad I'm hers.

Be a bucket filler

Tonight, Grayson and I were snuggling in bed talking about his day. This kid kills me sometimes. Tonight was one of those nights. I got in his bed and as I was getting settled he said "How was your day mom?" He's genuinely concerned about how my day went, he listens and asks questions. It's the sweetest. It reminds me to sit, to be still and to really be in the moment with him. He's been melting my heart into a puddle since he was born with his big eyes starring up at me.

I was telling him a story about how a patient told one of my student's that she was glad she took care of her. I told him how it made me so happy because it made my student know how appreciated she was, it made her so happy. He said "yeah that kid was filling her bucket".

Confused I said "what?"

"Mom, she's a bucket filler, the patient because she filled your student's bucket with happiness and made her feel good".

"Oh yeah, she was totally a bucket filler and my student's bucket was getting filled up!"

He went on to talk about how you can fill people's bucket. He told me how his teacher fills his bucket, how friend's fill his bucket and how he fills up people's bucket. It was the sweetest, most genuine conversation with my super sweet hearted boy.

I asked "How do I fill your bucket up?"

"Mom you just love me, that's all!" with the most sincere smile on his face.

That's right my sweet boy, I do love you. I just love you so... someday you'll fully understand the depth of my love.

On grief and love

This week, several of my friends have been impacted by the loss of someone they love. It's heartbreaking to me to watch their lives shatter before their eyes and the changes that happen due to the loss of one person.

My best friend told me some expert advice when my dad died. She said something along these lines...

It never gets easier, the pain never goes away. We just learn to deal with it differently. There are days you won't cry at all then there will be a whole week when you just break down. Sometimes it hits you at the most random times or in the most random places. Your heart feels heavy. Your life will never be the same. It will go on, in a way that's different than you know.


She was right. Six and a half years later I still feel the same way.

She was one of the only people that didn't say "God has a plan" or "God needed him more". When people said that, I knew they were trying to console me. Instead there was a fire in my soul that it added gasoline to. The fire burned bigger and brighter each time. I hated God in that moment. God was the last person I wanted to hear about. My heart was screaming out that there was no way that anyone needed him more than I did.

(Making memories with my babies and my husband)

There was no doubt in my heart that my babies needed to meet the man that raised me, they needed to know him not from me but from him. My babies needed to see his laughter and feel his arms wrapped tightly around them. They needed to see the way that he loved his children and that he loved his grandchildren. They needed to watch him face life fearlessly and live each moment as if it might be his last. If you knew him, you know that he did that.

(Pancakes for my kids, my mom did this for us when we were little and I remember it to this day. Re-creating those memories with my babies!)

What I've learned from all of this, share the love. Whether it's picking up the phone and calling an old friend or sending them a Facebook message. Spend time with the people you love, forget the gifts, build the memories. I can tell you there's not one memory I have with my dad that I regret. Do I have things of his that I remember him by? Sure I do. The things that stick out are the memories we made, not the things I can hold in my hands. Hold those babies tighter. Take that trip, who cares about the couch that could be replaced, the couch can wait, the trip can't. Read that extra book. Go on that extra long bike ride. Don't wake up tomorrow regretting something you could've said but didn't. Make today count.

"Put your phone down and love me!"

This little guy says that frequently. He's with me at more often then not. He's been going to my work's childcare, he's with me on the days I don't have work obligations, we spend hours on end together. He gets a LOT of one of one attention. He needs a LOT of one on one attention and he has no problem letting me know. "Put your phone down and love me" and then up on my lap he climbs. "Close your computer and love me", "stop doing laundry and love me"

Here's the thing, there's times when I need to finish my email, there's times that phone call can't wait... but in the end, he'll never be this age again. I'll never regret closing my computer to love him. So I do just that. I close that computer, I turn off the phone, I stop the laundry because he needs my love and it can't wait.

This is the last year that I get to have my baby home. This is the only time in my life that I'll have one baby at home for this long without a sibling. I get to really enjoy him, embrace him, figure out his unique personality.

Anyone that knows me close, knows the struggles I've had with this strong willed, creative, stubborn, curious, adventurous little spirit. The last 9-12 months were the hardest of motherhood that I've endured yet. He challenged me. He pushed me to my breaking point nearly every.single.damn.day. I cried. Was I doing it right? How could I parent him? How was he SO different from his siblings? What had I done? How could I help him? How could I be a better mother? How could I be a better mother to them all? It was a struggle, a constant freaking struggle.

I did a lot of things different. I talked to every mother I knew. I talked to mothers of all ages. I felt like I was missing his boat time and time again. We took love and logic courses and I still felt like I was failing. I read books and books about parenting. Then we started a special kind of therapy called PCIT.

PCIT is parent child interaction therapy. Read more about it here. I was so skeptical. Even halfway through, I thought it was stupid and wondered how it would ever help. I emailed a parent that had completed the therapy and asked a million questions. Then, something clicked. Things started working at home. Like crazy working, in a good crazy way. Our relationship started working in a way that I thought was not possible. He was listening because I was giving better directions. The therapy was working for us.

We graduated the therapy well over a month ago. I was warned by our therapist that this might be a "honeymoon" phase and that the part that was working might stop but I needed to remain consistent. Well the honeymoon phase has continued and we're still going strong. I'm beyond thrilled for how this has helped us.

So my sweet boy that loves me more than anything. You remind me daily how much you love me. I will always "put down my phone and love" YOU!