Helping friends

Bella has been a little sidekick for our friend, Amy at A Doll Like Me. She's BLOWING up on her gofundme campaign and is interviewing left and right! Amy asked if Bella could help out with sharing why having a doll like you is important and Bella, of course, has strong opinions about why! I really enjoyed being there and listening to them both speak. Amy is SO passionate about what she does and she's a one woman show. She's currently running the media, making the dolls, communicating with all of those interested, communicating with people about interviews. She might be the definition of insane currently, but we still love her! As for us, we are SUPER proud of her and happy to help! 

Just another day at the pool

Last week I took the kids to our typical pool location for an afternoon of sun and water fun. We were playing. Bella was practicing flipping in the water. Luca was showing off his flipping abilities and Grayson learned in two seconds flat. Me, I didn't even try! So she tried flipping for a solid 2 hours, I mean seriously 120 minutes people. No joke! She didn't quite master it but she was persistent!

While I was working with her, I noticed two girls about her age watching. Then I realized they were talking about her hand. Sometimes I want to go all mama bear, but I hold back. That day, I realized what they were doing and I wondered if she realized. I finally asked "Did you notice those girls looking at you? Maybe they know how to flip." She approached them, introduced herself and then they started playing.

Later, her and I were sitting poolside while her brothers played. I always walk the line... do I ask if she noticed or do I say nothing and pretend I didn't notice. I opted to ask. "Bella did you notice those girls you were playing with looking at your hand?"

"No, why?"

"I noticed and wondered if they said anything when you were playing with them."

"No, they didn't say anything. We just played."

"Does it bother you when people stare?"

"Sometimes but most of the time, they'll ask if they have a question. But, if they don't, that's on them."

"True fact sister boo!" I said as I hugged her tight. We continued our conversation about something completely unrelated to those girls.

I thought about it later though. How would I feel if I were Bella? Would I be as confident as she is? Would I be able to just look passed it and invite them to play? Would I even notice the stares? My sweet girl is a bigger, bolder, braver, more confident than I am. Where did she get that? How do I continue that as she grows? I build her up, that's how. I build me up, that's how. I remind her how kind she is, how she's always looking out for others, how caring she is to others. I remind her that I am SO very proud to be her mother and I'm so glad she's my daughter. I remind her that she's currently my favorite 9 year old on the planet and she's my favorite daughter. Yes, we laugh, because she's the ONLY 9 year old in our house and she's my ONLY daughter. I'm her favorite mother too :)

How do I build me up so that she knows that she can continue to be confident? Some days I run around in work out clothes after a gross workout. Guess what, don't care! I'm strong and I got a good workout even if I smell like locker room. Today I encouraged the kids to check out my "bulging biceps" to which Grayson responded "Your weakceps?".  I responded right back "You wish! This mama is STRONG!" As I flexed my biceps. Strong or not in the eyes of others, in my eyes, I'm strong  currently and I'm cool if others don't think that. I build myself up by feeling comfortable in heels and a dress or sweats and no bra. I remind Bella that it's most important to be yourself. I remind her that most of my friends now are "new friends" from the kids school and my closest friends remain in touch frequently. I remind her that it doesn't matter what the rest of her grade thinks of her, that it matters what SHE thinks of her.

How do you build up your kids? What works at your house? What can I learn from you?

Day one CNL Idaho!

When Mel said “it’s so rustric” she was SO right! Which is part of what draws us to this location. The little cabins, the rocky beach, the staff at the location, the boat rides, tubing, learning to swim, kayaking, hiking, the deck at Wells, the docks, the arch area… the snakes. Yep, I said it, this year I saw TWO snakes and thought that we might never come back to Camp Cross. I’m kidding, kind of. Snakes are NOT my friends.

You fly into Spokane and then make the trek over to Camp Cross, which is a little over an hour away. We rent a car. It would be a long Uber ride and honestly it just doesn’t seem realistic with the 5 of us and all of our luggage. It's really a pretty drive, so much lush green, mountains, sunshine. I was really soaking it up this time. 

This year we stopped at this little hole in the wall cheesesteak place that we found on my phone. It got great reviews so we opted to give it a shot. It was the best cheesesteak I've ever eaten and this girl loves her cheesesteak! Though with recent changes to my diet, I haven't had one in SO long. Maybe that's another reason I really loved it. Ryan and I both got different ones and loved them. The kids got cold cut sandwiches, lame! However after a long travel day, we started at 330 am, we opted to just let it be. Boy did they miss out! 

The first afternoon at camp is a lot of reuniting with old friends and making new friends. There’s no quicker place to make friends than right at camp! I can’t even explain how quickly friendships are formed or how they build over the years and through miles across the country. This picture is of "old friends" reuniting, or more like, the little girls sucked Keegan into kayaking the minute the waterfront was open!

These strangers become family by the end of the 3 ½ days. You come to know information that may not be shared with others. You hear about their story, the way their child’s limb difference occurred, their feelings behind finding out, the difficult experiences they’ve been through, the accomplishments, the fears, the way others react, how they advocate for their child…. The list goes on. I told my nursing students that I wish they could learn from the way these parents advocate for their children. I'm almost amazed when I leave camp at how sad I am to say good-bye. The photo below is new friends that were made instantly!

Due to our travel, we arrived right before waterfront activities. Lots of bonding occurs on that rocky shore, among kids, among adults, among volunteers and families... it's endless, honestly. Watching the kids go from barely knowing some of the campers to swimming together, jumping in the water holding hands, kayaking, canoeing, building rock forms and this year painting rocks!

I didn't get many pictures of "Rubber Pig Baseball" but I did happen to grab a couple. I'm not sure why it's called rubber pig baseball considering I only ever saw a rubber chicken! Either way, it was a blast.Fun was had by all! 

 We finished the night with S'mores by the campfire. The fire happens RIGHT on the rocky shore overlooking the water. It's so relaxing and refreshing.

I think everyone really likes the S'Mores considering my kids
kept asking if they could have more! The great thing is that we all come together again and teamwork makes the dream work. The volunteers, teens and adults just  all pitch in to help with all of the kids. It literally is a village of people that cares about you and your family. There's not a better reminder than the first day back at Camp No Limits!

Our people

How do you sum up a life-changing four-day event? I’m not sure there are even words that can fully describe the emotions that I feel. Every year we leave Camp No Limits with new friends and closer bonds to our old friends. Who knew it was possible to love people after only knowing them for four short days?  I can tell you that I know, I’ve experienced it, year after year when we attend CNL. It’s life-changing each and every time.

This was our second year at Camp No Limits Idaho. The location is breath taking. Those of you who have read about it before on the blog already know. Those of you who haven’t, let me share again. You arrive to a dock on the lake. You unload your stuff onto a boat and then take a short boat ride across the lake where you stay for the next four days. It’s rustic and perfect.

To be honest, I could spend anywhere with these people. We’ve been to Florida Camp No Limits, Maine Camp No Limits and Idaho Camp No Limits… there’s many other locations that we haven’t even explored. It’s not about the location. It’s about the people.  These people are unlike any others that you’ll meet. You go from complete strangers to know some very intimate details of their lives in such a short time. Dawson (one of the teen campers) hit the nail on the head when he said “these are my people”.

In the coming weeks, I’m going to share some highlights of our trip and OUR PEOPLE!

CAMP NO LIMITS all booked!

This picture was taken just last weekend while we were camping. Bella and I were walking around the camp ground just the girls. Dirty from camping all weekend, hiking, biking and exploring... BUT living our best life, in nature, with the ones we love.

Camping is one of our favorite things to do in the spring, summer and fall. It means disconnecting from life, phones, electronics. It means building bonds and making memories. That's what summer vacation is all about in my eyes.

Summer last year meant exploring Camp No Limits Idaho for the first time. We've explored others but we fell deeply in love with Idaho, the people, the location, the rustic cabins. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE Camp No Limits and every single location we've attended. Idaho camp just felt like we had found our home. While I totally realize that it's NOT a location for everyone, it was the prime location for us. It's rustic, like really rustic. We were "warned" if you will by other families and staff and I swore it was right up our alley. We got some side eyes and some laughs. Really though, it was. I barely got cell service, yay me! I was able to really focus on connecting with my kids, the other families there. One of my favorite pictures is a picture of a sibling at camp that's slathered in sunscreen that's not fully rubbed in. It was the first camp that we left that Bella cried, like body shaking cries.

We saw old friends and we made plenty of new friends. We literally can't wait to go back. We are counting down! Tickets were purchased, application was accepted... now to book a car rental and we are good to go! A little over a month to go, but who's counting? Oh that's right WE ARE!!

Share the strep... or not!

Poor little lover girl has strep throat. We had a birthday party at our house for Grayson a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking some little first grader shared strep with us. I got it first, then Luca, now Bella. That's the joy of having kids, they share mostly when you don't want them too!

Luckily for me, I have a great job with more flexibility than I've ever had. I don't teach a class on Monday's and I work from home on Mondays, which allows me to balance the day with laundry, the gym, emails, changing my course and yesterday, taking care of a sick kiddo. When people are sick, I tend to do more laundry, even if its not a puke bug... blankets get washed, sheets get changed, new toothbrushes for everyone!

Luckier for all of us is that we have some fabulous neighbors who help out more than I can mention. Seriously, from getting kids on and off the bus, to offering to take my sick kid for the day. They are like a second set of parents to our kids. I honestly don't know what we would do without them. When they say it takes a village, they truly mean it! I can't tell you how thankful I am to have found our village here!

"That's why I love camp!"

After our incident at school this week, we had a little chat about kids and perceptions. We also talked about how younger kids are really curious and just trying to learn and figure things out. Bigger kids might not be used to someone with a limb difference.

 Bella talked about how there's a little kindergarten friend at school that always shows everyone her hand. She said "Mom he has hearing aids and doesn't realize that he has something different about him too. I told him Henry* my hand is different, just like your hearing aids are different. That's what makes us special, that we all have differences. Mom he still shows everyone about my hand but I just laugh."

"That's why I love camp! Everyone there has a limb difference or has a kid or a brother or sister with a limb difference so it's like no big deal. No one cares that you have a limb difference, you are just accepted exactly the way that you. I love it!"

"Yeah that is the great thing about camp, everyone is there to love you and teach you things and no one cares at all that we are all different."

"I know that's why it's so great, I'll always go to camp, no matter what!"

This is exactly why we go to Camp No Limits! While we work hard to get scholarships and raise funds to go to camp, we also spend a fair amount of money of our own on airfare and transportation. Her comments alone are worth every single penny that we spend. Camp is an investment for ALL of us! If you or someone you know would like to help us get to camp, you can donate here. We appreciate any all donations, no matter if it's 50 cents or 50 dollars, we appreciate everything that helps us attend camp!

Through CNL I've met friends that will be lifelong friends, I've met advocates, I've met therapists and other kids, siblings and parents that have changed my life in a variety of ways. I agree with Bella. Camp is great. No one cares about your limb difference, no one cares that you are different, they love and embrace you just the same. They also love and embrace us ALL!


*name changed for privacy

Just say no

Remember D.A.R.E from 5th grade? Yeah I sure do. I took a lot of lessons from those sessions but I think I missed one. I must've missed the "just say no" part. I've completely and utterly overextended myself yet again. I mean who can't work full-time, be the PFC co-president, volunteer to do the kids class parties, teach a new class, maintain (or better yet grow) a marriage, keep three kids alive, and a dog, and four chickens, workout, eat healthy, try to be a better me for me, have good relationships with my kids, grow friendships, cultivate old friendships, keep up with emails, write agendas for meetings, organize camping trips, go camping then unpack from said trips, maintain a house, pay bills on time, grocery shop... I mean you get it, right?

This train wreck has pulled into the station and is taking a long, hard look at life. The "just say no" part of D.A.R.E was SO important, how come they only apply it to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they should have a refresher in college, when you are married, then again when you have kids... just saying! Today, I'm reevaluating.

What are my goals to be a better me? A better me means doing all of the things that I love too and not forgetting those in the shuffle. Part of being a better me means working out, giving attention to my kids, growing my marriage, helping friendships continue to grow... I have a big agenda and it's not getting smaller any time soon. For me, I'm going to start focusing on saying no instead of maybe, instead of yes, instead of let me think about it. Not because I WANT to say no, but because I NEED to say no... for me, for you, for everyone I love and adore.

Trust me, no one will die in the process of me saying no. No one will die if I don't do ALL of the class parties. My students will survive with me giving my all and cutting that all off by 10 pm. They need me sane as well as prepared. Lack of sleep leaves me unprepared and not sane, that's for sure. The junk mail, the junk emails, they can wait. The pile of papers by the door, that can wait too. The deep cleaning that I really want to do because it makes ME feel good, it'll have to wait.

There will be bumps along this road but I'm done overextending me. I'm doing what I need to do for me. Part of that includes increasing my water intake... simple yet forgotten. Part of that includes working out, lifting heavier weights and working out for less time. Part of that means sitting by the campfire to soak in the stars with my family.

Yes, this blog is about Bella. Ultimately, this blog is meant to help parents, women, mamas, working mamas... it's meant to help whoever it needs to help. Today, I'm hoping it helps you. Take a lesson from this mama, just say no. It's okay, I promise.

Camp No Limits- Day Two

I swear, each day of Camp No Limits gets better. You never want it to end. What's not to love? There are tons of new friends, some old friends, kayaking, paddle boarding, eating, crafts, games, swimming, exploring, learning, endless support... Yep, every single minute I love.

Each morning starts the same at camp. Breakfast around 8 am for about an hour then energizers. Energizers are energizing! You dance and laugh to start the day, do some core work, do some stretching, seriously we should start every day like this. It always brings a smile to your face.

After energizers, we break into groups. PT, OT, and sibling groups are the first groups of the day. Usually the upper extremity groups works on some life skills, like shoe tying, braids, pony tails, buttons, zippers, socks... I know the lower extremity groups work on running but I'm not sure what else since I'm usually hanging with Bella in the upper extremity group. This year at camp, Bella taught a girl, J., a tad bit older that has two hands, how to tie a shoe with one hand. J was more than attentive and really interested in Bella teaching her. It was so sweet to watch them both. Bella's passion about teaching and sharing how she does things. J focusing and determined to learn while being kind and warm to Bella.

Sibling groups are super fun, just ask our boys! They went kayaking, paddle boarding and who knows what else. I do know that the boys come back and really want to go back with the sibling group. They love every moment of sibling group!

After this is lunch, then peer support group. Again, siblings go off and do one thing. "Campers" like Bella go to a support group that us parents are allowed to attend. Parents go to another support group.  This is super helpful for all parents and it also helps you get to know the other parents. This year, I learned a ton from parent support group about prosthetic costs and such. I feel like every single person in the group is valuable and brings more to the group.

Next up for Idaho Camp No Limits, changing and water front! The waterfront is super rocky. They did say on the website that water shoes would be helpful and I almost laughed outloud. Water shoes and fanny packs go in the same category... seriously people, I'm so glad I bought some. The waterfront is super rocky and would have been pretty painful without water shoes. Mine were super cute too... or not... I mean can water shoes be cute? 

Bella also got one on one swimming lessons from Travis, he's an incredible dude! Bella ran down the hill earlier in the day yelling "Daddy" and it was actually Travis. They both have dark hair, big beards, board shorts and are built similar. She got all the way to him before she realized he wasn't her Dad! I knew from further up the hill but let her get all the way there. It was hilarious! Back to the swim lessons, Travis was a swim instructor for many, many years and he spent a chunk of time really helping Bella. What a great dude! 

Next up, changed, dinner then Human Clue. Apparently it's a Camp No Limits Idaho tradition. It was unforgettable. It was so fun and every single person that was involved had a great time. I didn't take a single picture because we were too busy trying to figure out which person committed the crime, where and with what. Super fun! 

The nights at all the different camps we've attended, ends in a campfire. CNL Idaho was just the same... except Mel melted all the marshmallows together so no one could eat them (JK Mel- we love you). Bella stayed up and we put the boys to bed. The beauty of the end of the night is that there are so many parents you've met that any number of them will watch after Bella so the boys can go to bed. There's also the "bigger" campers, like Sydney, Keagan, Jamie... and a number of others. Off to bed they went and she put some gooey marshmallows together and made a s'more. 

Day two did not disappoint, are you ready for what day three offered? 

Pool friends

Happy Monday! The first day back from Camp No Limits is always a little let down. No friends knocking at your door. You aren't surrounded by your group of people that get you. Your circle is now back in their part of the world. You are left to fend for yourself. Today, I worked out and then took the kids swimming to get their mind off of the disappointment.

Bella instantly found a friend. Adrianna and Bella were both swimming around in the pool then started playing together. They were  playing in the pool, splashing, kicking, going under water, jumping in and then holding hands and jumping in. Adrianna asked Bella about her hand. I couldn't hear her but I could see her. I watched as Bella lifted her left hand above the water, showed her, they talked and then begin playing again. I watched as they sat on the side of the pool and Adrianna HELD BELLA'S LEFT HAND and they jumped in! It was so naturally, it happened so quickly. Then it happened again.

My mama heart melted. I had taken a break to sit at the side and boy am I glad I did. It allowed me to opportunity to watch this sweet moment happen. My heart was bursting with joy. I'm not sure if Bella's still on her camp high or what. I'm not sure if Adrianna just has a sweet old soul or what. I will tell you that I'm sorry I didn't take a moment to tell her dad about the moment I witnessed.

Life happens so quickly. I was in the moment. My phone was tucked away in my bag. Luca was on my lap and I was rubbing Grayson's belly as he sat next to me. I'm so glad this moment didn't pass me by. I'm glad I got to watch even if I couldn't hear.

Adrianna's dad, if you are out there, please reach out. I'd like to get our girl's together again. Pat your daughter on the back, commend her for being a curious little person that didn't offend my daughter, hug her tightly and know that you are raising her right. If you happen to know a fire fighter that works on the north side of Milwaukee with a daughter that is 8 and a son that's about 2 that was swimming at the WAC in Brookfield today, please have him reach out to me!

Almost ready...

After stalking Scheck and Siress for weeks, I finally got a pre-approval letter in the mail from our insurance. When I called them on Wednesday, they still hadn't received the letter. Frustrating... so I faxed it over. I'm pretty sure that's what any mama bear when do when her baby bear has kept asking about it!

On Friday, Scheck and Siress called to verify that they also received the letter from insurance. The parts had been ordered and now we wait... We were told that once they were ordered they would be ready in 3-5 business days. What's a mom to do? Yes, call this coming Friday to follow up.

I did reach out to Camp No Limits friends to ask about the type of prosthetic. Being newbies to this whole thing, I wanted to be sure what they were ordering was really something that would be useful to Bella. I sent a text to Mary, CNL founder and director, and Keegan, one of the teen mentors who is one of Bella's buds (and mine too!). They were both able to verify that they thought it would work great for what we had in mind. Being able to quickly reach out to a trusted community is essential. I'm thankful that they both responded quickly! I'm beyond thankful to have them both in our lives.

Again, we wait. At least this time, we know exactly what we are waiting for and how long it SHOULD take... anything could change. I'll keep you all posted!

Moving

Yesterday Bella came home from school with news that one of her "best friends" was moving. This is a child that she's been friends with since kindergarten and he happens to be someone that is an incredible role model for all those around him. Bella's been lucky to have him on her side from the start of her formal education journey.

(Selfies from my phone!)

What's a mom to do? Well I promptly texted his mom to ask about it. Their details are their business but I will share that their are talks of them moving. My heart broke for Bella and for me. I like this family!

Bella said "I know you sent his mom a text, what did she say?" I simply said "they are talking about it but nothing is final yet so we'll have to wait and see"

Her words shocked me. Sometimes she's totally my child (hello eye rolling!) and sometimes, like this, I wonder where she came from.

"Mom, if Bill (name changed for privacy) moves, then I'll be sad. He's one of my best friends. But you know what? It would be a good opportunity for him to continue to grow and learn. I know he'll make lots of new friends. I know that we'll still talk and be friends too. It's a good opportunity for him, you know?"

I sat there in awe of my girl. So much wisdom in such a little lady. First off, where did she know and learn how to use the word "opportunity" appropriately? I sometimes have denial that she's growing up! I know she has wisdom well beyond her years. I also admire her for the ability to let her heart break a little and see the golden lining for her dear friend. I'm not sure I could be as strong as her if I tried.

My best friend lives in Kansas City, I'm an adult and can travel to see her and I still hate it every single day. No, like really, I hate it. We've maintained our friendship over many miles for many years. We got married within months of each other, we had babies close together, we are both working mamas with little to no time. You know what... when something is important to you, you make it happen. My friendship is important and it helps to maintain what little sanity I have left.

I know that Bella will keep Bill close to her heart whether or not he goes to her school. She admires his kindness, his ability to stick up for others, his dedication to sports and his ability to include everyone. I also know that as her mom, I'll work for her to maintain this friendship. My eyes fill with tears as I type this. Somehow, I'm part of raising this girl. Somehow, we've done something right. Somehow, she'll find the courage and the strength to support and encourage her friend even if it means some sadness for her. Somehow, I'll muster up the strength to help her through it.

From 1... to 2... to 3!

A mom in a Facebook group asked about having more than one child. I'm going to share my opinion here on how it all went down for us. 

(Gah so tiny!)

 Can I possibly love #2 as much as I love my first? Okay so I legit cried about this while I was pregnant. How could my heart fill up and love someone as much as I loved Bella? I remember having MANY lengthy conversations with my dad about this. He assured me that it wasn't an issue (but let's by honest I'll always be both of my parents favorite, don't tell my brother! Okay so maybe he'll read this... just kidding brother!) No really he assured me that instead of feeling like my heart was pulled in both directions, it would double. As if, I thought. He'd lost his mind and lying was the only way he was going to get another grandkid out of me.. wait I was ALREADY pregnant, now what? Yep more conversations... I'm pretty sure my husband had thought I lost my mind. Maybe I had... My dad just kept saying, don't worry it happens. Well in the end, he was right, my heart doubled, then tripled in size. 

Do I have a favorite? You betcha I do and they all know who it is! It is the kid who sleeps the longest. The kid who listens the best. The kid who isn't a giant pain in the butt... Yeah so it changes daily... or more so by the minute. Of course, really I don't have a favorite. No wait, I lied, again, the best sleeper, the best listener, the one who gives me the least amount of headaches. They all of their moments, as do I. No there's not ONE of them that's my favorite. 

Can I maintain the special bond I have with my first born if I have to divide my attention? I get torn on this one, like really torn. Do they all get enough of me? Is there really enough of me for anyone or all three? The answer is, I'm not a super hero, I do the best I can. I'm human. There are times when I'm winning at the mom thing and times I feel like I'm failing miserably. Real truth, I push through those hard times and come out learning something. 

What have I learned you ask? Well after having three I've truly learned that I can't fill from an empty tank. Mom nights are important. Late night phone calls with my friends keep me going. Making a phone call to someone who's in my shoes when I feel like I'm royally sucking, those are my lifeline. I've learned I have to take care of me. For me that means taking a break and filling my own tank. Date nights have become more of a priority as have live music and dancing. Why? Because getting dressed up and going out with my hot husband fill my tank, or as we call it "our love bank". It helps remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. It helps me let go and enjoy being me without any obligations. Going to the gym and eating healthy also help. I've learned that eating crap makes me feel like crap. (Remind me of this when I want to eat 3 donuts in a day, or even one!) It makes me feel good about me. Having time to fill my tank, makes me a  better mother, a better wife, educator and friend. All of those are important to ME!

What are the financial implications? Girl friend, kids are an endless money pit. You will never be ready for one let alone three. You just make it happen. True fact. We buy a lot of second hand clothes when we can and it's worked up until more recently. They grow SO quick, don't waste your money on the $50 pair of shoes that won't fit next week. We also do a lot of free stuff. My kids are really looking forward to adventures around the city this summer finding new parks and new places to hike. They LOVED that last summer and keep talking about it as the weather gets warmer. Save where you can. We've figured out that splurging on a fancy car isn't our thing, we'd rather vacation. Figure out your priorities and work with it!

What if I need a bigger home? But do you? Why? We had our house on the market a couple of years ago. We pulled it after a major meltdown on my part and an epiphany on Ryan's part. We love our yard, our neighbors, the comfort of the home we've created here, the schools, a safe neighborhood, the ability we have to travel and explore. Eventually I see us living on more land with more creatures (read NOT kids!) and room to roam. I see us in an older farm house with a big wrap around porch... time will tell. Right now, it just sounds like more to clean, more to keep up with and more to spend money on. I'm happy where we are. Most of all, I'm comfortable and safe here. This is our house but really it's our home. 

How can you decide what's right for you? Only YOU can decide. I always wanted four kids. In my heart, I have four. I have three that walk with me in life and one that walks in heaven that we miscarried. My heart is full, overflowing really. I knew when we were pregnant with our tie breaker (who turned out to be Luca!) that I was done being pregnant. My heart was done, my body was done, my soul was full.