Prosthetic #2

Today we started the journey of a second prosthetic. In a new place, with new faces, a new prosthetist  and new insurance. This will bring new adventures and new challenges. It will bring a fresh set of eyes and an expert like no one else. The guy we saw this morning is dubbed the best for kids in the Milwaukee area, how lucky are we?! I know people who've used him and loved him so that brings another level of comfort and excitement.

We knew when Bella got her first one that they generally average about 12-18 months of use before a new one is needed. Kids grow and they grow quickly. Her current prosthetic is causing numbness in her nubbin, what would've been her thumb. She had tears in Idaho at Camp No Limits because it "doesn't feel good". Imagine me saying "put your size 7 shoes on" when you really wear a size 9. Your feet would hurt! That's how she feels wearing her current prosthetic. For her, it was literally at the 12 month mark that she started having discomfort which led to pain.

I mentioned challenges, yes challenges. With a new device there will be challenges. It will feel different, it will fit different, there will be a learning curve. Just like driving, when you get in a car that you aren't used to, you have to take a moment to get your bearings and figure it out. That'll be Bella, and us and her prosthetist. All working together to make the magic happen for Boo Bear.

Insurance challenges are sure to come. I'll spare you our deductible which hasn't yet been met but it's high. Then we are responsible for 20% of her prosthetic, though I'm sure there will be a denial or two first... because usually it's someone with two perfectly functioning hands making the decision *insert eye roll* We'll face that challenge when we get there. This girl has a NURSE mama, I know medical terminology and I know how to advocate like a mother... a dangerous combo for the person making those insurance decisions. Until then, we won't worry.

Today, we went to the Hanger Clinic that is inside of our Children's Hospital. (I'll save the why we switched for another blog.) We arrived about 25 minutes early and started reading a book for school. Hey no time like waiting to log those reading minutes!

We met our new prosthetist. From the minute we met, I knew he was our guy. He greeted Bella right away and started talking to her. Then I introduced myself. We went back into the room where he asked BELLA some more questions. Why were we there? What did she want him to do? What were the issues with her current prosthetic? What would she like in a new prosthetic? What bothered her with her current prosthetic? What did she use it for? What would she like to do? We talked about a new terminal device. Here's her current terminal device for reference. That's the piece that's too small.

 

This picture shows where you attach the different pieces, like the mushroom for gymnastics or the bike attachment (she also uses that for hockey and a couple of other things in PE)

We also talked about a myoelectric. That works by electrodes inside the arm that respond to her muscle movements. We talked about what she would be able to do with a myo that she doesn't currently do... pick up things with BOTH hands, she could use it on her bike, hold a barbie doll in her left hand, hold a cup in one hand and a plate in the other, sweep and use a dust pan :) Ha I added that one! The thing about a myoelectric is the cost, they are pricey! Google tells me they are $20,000-$100,000. As a parent, it's frustrating that insurance won't pick up more of the cost... I won't get on my soap box about insurance... right now! Anyhow, there are lots of possibilities with the myo that she won't otherwise be able to have. These are the things that those of us with two hands take for granted every.single.day.

The attachments for the prosthetic she has are still in great condition. She told him what she uses the attachments for and why she likes them. She also talked about what she would like to do. Monkey bars are a big one. We'll for sure add the jump rope attachment once she gets a new terminal device.

He wasted no time taking measurements and then casting her for a new device. He said that Hanger will contact our insurance company and then we will go from there. We'll have to wait to see what the coverage and allowances are so that we can make some decisions from there. She told him her current arm makes her super sweaty and she doesn't like that. He has some ideas that may be a better fit for her. I truly felt like he was an expert in this and would think outside of the box, if necessary, to help her get what works for her. 

(This was the only picture she let me take of the whole process!)

35 minutes in and out, which was awesome! We didn't feel rushed. I felt like he really listened to what Bella wanted and what would meet her needs. Bella said "Mom, he's SOOOO nice!" Ultimately, I know that he's the right guy for the job. I know that we will work collaborate to best meet the needs of Bella. I'll keep you all in the loop as we continue on this part of our lives. 

In the meantime, back to school for this gal!

CAMP NO LIMITS all booked!

This picture was taken just last weekend while we were camping. Bella and I were walking around the camp ground just the girls. Dirty from camping all weekend, hiking, biking and exploring... BUT living our best life, in nature, with the ones we love.

Camping is one of our favorite things to do in the spring, summer and fall. It means disconnecting from life, phones, electronics. It means building bonds and making memories. That's what summer vacation is all about in my eyes.

Summer last year meant exploring Camp No Limits Idaho for the first time. We've explored others but we fell deeply in love with Idaho, the people, the location, the rustic cabins. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE Camp No Limits and every single location we've attended. Idaho camp just felt like we had found our home. While I totally realize that it's NOT a location for everyone, it was the prime location for us. It's rustic, like really rustic. We were "warned" if you will by other families and staff and I swore it was right up our alley. We got some side eyes and some laughs. Really though, it was. I barely got cell service, yay me! I was able to really focus on connecting with my kids, the other families there. One of my favorite pictures is a picture of a sibling at camp that's slathered in sunscreen that's not fully rubbed in. It was the first camp that we left that Bella cried, like body shaking cries.

We saw old friends and we made plenty of new friends. We literally can't wait to go back. We are counting down! Tickets were purchased, application was accepted... now to book a car rental and we are good to go! A little over a month to go, but who's counting? Oh that's right WE ARE!!

Birthday Girl

Am I still a girl if I'm pushing 40? I'm going with yes!

I'm determined to make this year my best year yet. Not that I've had bad years in the past... it's just that I haven't made me a priority since giving birth to those three little loves you see in this picture. I'm determined to figure out a way to continue to find balance and peace within myself. I'm getting control of my diet. What goes in must come out... it comes out for me in the form of emotions, sluggishness, crabby attitude, exhaustion, tears... If I fuel my body with good food, it comes out in a more desirable way. So that's what I'm doing. 

I've been working out and I love feeling strong. I'm continuing to work out, lift heavier weights, really push my cardio. Yes there's the benefit of looking good, but there's the bigger benefit of feeling good. Feeling good in my own skin, feeling comfortable and confident. It's about getting control of me and what makes me feel good. Pushing my body just past my comfort zone feels great. I feel proud and accomplished. 

I'm finding grace, not perfection. Thanks to a great friend for sending me the book in the mail and supporting me in the journey to find me, embrace my life as it is and the journey that we are on. I'm learning to say no when I need to. I'm learning that saying yes can mean I compromise me and my happiness, which in turn effects those around me. 

So as I turn 38 today, do me a favor. Take care of YOU. Do what makes YOU feel good. If you feel like you want to do something for me, I'm asking that you donate to our goal of heading to Camp No Limits this summer. There's a paypal link on the right. Camp makes me happy and camp makes the people that I love happy too. Here's to my best year yet and to you living your best life too! 

Our first meeting post 504

The PE teacher reached out to me for a meeting related to Bella's 504 plan. I met with two of the PE teachers to discuss fitness testing that would be coming up and football. Okay, head injury central! Hopefully she doesn't like football :) That's the nurse mom in me talking. Back to the story, so we set up a before school meeting to talk about their ideas.

When we met, they were prepared with the items that would be used for fitness testing and what they thought Bella would need. They didn't forsee any concerns or issues with her doing well, but they wanted to be sure that they were doing what was best for her. I'm glad that they were really putting some thought into her limb difference and what that meant in PE for her.

Needless to say, we both agreed that she should wear her prosthetic for any weight bearing activities on her upper limbs. Push ups was one of the things on the fitness testing. The prosthetic allows her to keep her wrist joint safe. I fear that while she could do the pushup without it, it could cause injury to her wrist joint. She does have movement in her left wrist and we need to continue to protect that. The other item was curl ups (like sit ups but coming up farther). They showed me what Bella would need to do in order to be successful. We agreed that wearing the prosthetic would put some weight on her left side to keep her spine straight during the curl up.

It was a short, sweet meeting. In and out in about 30 minutes. Those are my perfect meetings, a good agenda that is stuck to and people who are focused!

I must say, while I was excited about the meeting, it bummed me out a little that we had to have a 504 in place for more action to be taken. This is precisely why I advocated for Bella to have a 504. Having it in writing somehow makes it happen, at least for us. Does everyone with a limb difference need a 504? No... I mean it's taken us until 3rd grade to "need" one... though in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if having one last year would have protected her from her neck/head injury.

504 complete!

Just like that our 504 is complete! It was way more painless than it was initially made out to be. I think because I reminded the school that I have the ability to be at school for 3 days a week until the 504 took effect. That might have helped... maybe not... but it sure seemed like it was quick.

Our 504 is very basic at this point. My goals were to keep her safe and to keep her RIGHT hand protected. It is the hand that she will use for 100% of things throughout life, so minimizing discomfort or distress on her right hand is essential. So here are some of the keys of our "accommodations" so far:

• Consultation between the PE teacher, the district PT and myself quarterly (this allows us all to think of body mechanics, safety and ideas to help her)
• Allow an opportunity of pre-teaching of PE if she were to need something different (meaning she could try the adaptations without the stress of her peers observing for the first time)
• Close proximity to PE teacher during activities that require strength and balance of upper extremities (this helps keep her safe and helps the teacher be more aware of her)
• Option of technology (there are tons of options for voice to text, word prediction, see saw, etc that will help her when it comes to writing for lengths of time)
• Copies of board work (so when a teacher writes a math problem on the board, instead of Bella having to write it then do the problem, she will be given a photo copy of the board work, so less writing for her)
• Allow more time for activities of daily living (buttoning, zippering, changing to outdoor gear in the winter) 

Understand that a 504 is protected through FERPA so her school can't go talking to anyone about this. Why am I sharing it here? Because when I was trying to find out info as a mom of a child with a limb difference, my search came up pretty empty. It was frustrating. I want other parents to not have the frustrations that I felt.

Don't these seem basic? To me, yes, but to others, not so much. All of these things come back to safety and limiting fatigue on her right hand. After talking to our friends at Camp No Limits this passed summer, we realized that we could do more to help Bella be successful in school and not have struggles. I'm thankful for a certain mama for encouraging me and almost pushing me to help my child! It takes an army to raise kids and I'm happy to have so many friends helping!

I actually have a meeting with her PE teachers tomorrow morning to discuss football. Her PE teacher requested that I meet with them so we could do some brainstorming together. Love this collaboration! I think it helps us all be on board for getting Bella what she needs to be successful and not have struggles due to her limb difference.

Is this all inclusive? No. As the years progress, her needs will change. We'll meet yearly to discuss her previous 504 and make changes. I can also request to meet to make changes sooner if needed. Likewise, her school/teachers could ask to meet with me for changes. This helps to be sure we are all on the same page for Bella. We will all learn as we go!

Just say no

Remember D.A.R.E from 5th grade? Yeah I sure do. I took a lot of lessons from those sessions but I think I missed one. I must've missed the "just say no" part. I've completely and utterly overextended myself yet again. I mean who can't work full-time, be the PFC co-president, volunteer to do the kids class parties, teach a new class, maintain (or better yet grow) a marriage, keep three kids alive, and a dog, and four chickens, workout, eat healthy, try to be a better me for me, have good relationships with my kids, grow friendships, cultivate old friendships, keep up with emails, write agendas for meetings, organize camping trips, go camping then unpack from said trips, maintain a house, pay bills on time, grocery shop... I mean you get it, right?

This train wreck has pulled into the station and is taking a long, hard look at life. The "just say no" part of D.A.R.E was SO important, how come they only apply it to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they should have a refresher in college, when you are married, then again when you have kids... just saying! Today, I'm reevaluating.

What are my goals to be a better me? A better me means doing all of the things that I love too and not forgetting those in the shuffle. Part of being a better me means working out, giving attention to my kids, growing my marriage, helping friendships continue to grow... I have a big agenda and it's not getting smaller any time soon. For me, I'm going to start focusing on saying no instead of maybe, instead of yes, instead of let me think about it. Not because I WANT to say no, but because I NEED to say no... for me, for you, for everyone I love and adore.

Trust me, no one will die in the process of me saying no. No one will die if I don't do ALL of the class parties. My students will survive with me giving my all and cutting that all off by 10 pm. They need me sane as well as prepared. Lack of sleep leaves me unprepared and not sane, that's for sure. The junk mail, the junk emails, they can wait. The pile of papers by the door, that can wait too. The deep cleaning that I really want to do because it makes ME feel good, it'll have to wait.

There will be bumps along this road but I'm done overextending me. I'm doing what I need to do for me. Part of that includes increasing my water intake... simple yet forgotten. Part of that includes working out, lifting heavier weights and working out for less time. Part of that means sitting by the campfire to soak in the stars with my family.

Yes, this blog is about Bella. Ultimately, this blog is meant to help parents, women, mamas, working mamas... it's meant to help whoever it needs to help. Today, I'm hoping it helps you. Take a lesson from this mama, just say no. It's okay, I promise.

Bike battles

Each day brings different challenges and battles for each of us. Each day is a new day, we can decide to pick ourselves up and carry on or to sulk. Today, Bella decided she was going to feel sorry for herself. Everything was wrong.

The boys rode too close.

The boys rode too far.

Daddy pushed her too hard.

Daddy told her to go faster.

Daddy gave her encouragement.

Daddy didn't give her enough encouragement.

The bike seat was up to high.

The bike seat was too low.

The bike basket was bumping around.

Her training wheels were too wobbly.

I adjusted her training wheels too much.

Life sucked big time. The bike sucked big time. We all sucked big time. Today was not her day... we'll try again tomorrow.

Finding Joy

Does anyone else follow Finding Joy on Facebook? On June 18th she wrote this:

I don't want to rush through life anymore.

I realized I was a rusher several months ago. It was when I was drying my hair and I had this moment where I saw that I was racing through it. Getting agitated it took too long. And I stepped back and thought about how I had nowhere to go that day and no deadlines and yet there I was rushing.

I have taught my rushing culture to my kids too.

Sometimes in the mornings I'll be in a frenzy racing around and thinking about what to do next and totally missing out in the now. I'll lose patience for shoe tying or missing bags or being late for a line that I would end up sitting in no matter what.

So several months ago I decided to become aware of my rushing. And to catch myself in those moments and to actually take a big breath and to remind myself that rushing changes nothing.

Rushing just made me anxious.

So now, now I try to slow my pace. Being aware of the time but also my pulse. 

If we race through life too fast or looking ahead too much we might just miss today.

And today, my friends, is worth not rushing through.

-Rachel

If you don't typically follow her or read her posts, do it. Do it now, run over there and follow and like her page. She inspires me every day to be a better me, to take care of me too, to not fall into the Pinterest trap, to settle down, to live and let love takeover. 

This post rang oh so true. I'm such a rusher, which makes me a stressor. My kids move at sloth's pace. 

I get agitated and anxious when things take too long. I'm a total Type A-er. Wait is that even a word? This summer I've been trying to take the kids to do fun stuff and it hit me. I'm yelling "HURRY UP, GET IN THE CAR!!!!" I'm pretty sure even the lady down the street got in the car at that point! :) No in all seriousness, I was rushing them to go have fun. In the process, crushing their fun and causing chaos and anger for all of us. How was this fun? Would even be fun? I mean why was I rushing them and causing all of this? I wanted to just hurry up and go. It's not the fun would suddenly stop if we were 10 minutes later. 

After reading Rachel's post, I'm more aware. Yes there are times we need to be in a rush, we have doctor appointments or someone waiting on us. Otherwise, rushing was causing me more problems. I'm working on it, like really working on it. There are things that need to done right.this.minute... but the other things, we'll get to, eventually, like most things in life. 

As for me, I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I'm really focusing on it more and trying to improve for them and mostly for me.

Hurry up... and wait...

I honestly thought we were going to pick up Bella's prosthetic on Wednesday. Much to my disappointment and hers, it was another fitting. Apparently there are several fittings before she actually receives the final device. Who knew? This stuff takes time people, time that we don't have!

Why don't we have time? Camp No Limits starts July 14th for us! While that seems like another 2 weeks away (because it is!), weekends don't count when they are working AND a holiday falls between now and then. I'm not the expert in prosthetics but the amazing thing about camp is that there are TONS of experts! There are OT's, PT's, limb different adults, youth and kids, parents who can help us and people that can influence Bella's use of her prosthetic in a way that Ryan and I can not. Let's be real, kids prefer someone other than their parents at certain times. The experts are not in our neighborhood or even our city. The experts are truly at Camp No Limits, yet one of the many reasons we attend yearly.

They did a fitting yesterday and made a few adjustments. Then it gets sent out to another place. There they mold her final prosthetic which is much lighter than the one she tried. She picked a fabric that they'll mold into her device too. The two pieces that go on the end of her terminal device weren't in yet either. So we wait...

While we are going through Scheck and Siress, Shriners also wants to see us when we pick up the final device. The problem with that is that Shriners only has appointments with Dr. Ackerman on Friday mornings. Friday's I work all day, as does Ryan. Not to mention that we only have one more Friday between now and camp (not counting tomorrow)... AND they don't think our device will be ready by that Friday. I THINK I have them convinced to have us come down on the Monday prior to camp, which also happens to be my day off. Then we can come back after camp on a Friday when I'm actually off to follow up with Shriners. Then if there are adjustments that need to be made to her prosthesis, we can also schedule at Scheck and Siress too.

So... we wait.

Almost ready...

After stalking Scheck and Siress for weeks, I finally got a pre-approval letter in the mail from our insurance. When I called them on Wednesday, they still hadn't received the letter. Frustrating... so I faxed it over. I'm pretty sure that's what any mama bear when do when her baby bear has kept asking about it!

On Friday, Scheck and Siress called to verify that they also received the letter from insurance. The parts had been ordered and now we wait... We were told that once they were ordered they would be ready in 3-5 business days. What's a mom to do? Yes, call this coming Friday to follow up.

I did reach out to Camp No Limits friends to ask about the type of prosthetic. Being newbies to this whole thing, I wanted to be sure what they were ordering was really something that would be useful to Bella. I sent a text to Mary, CNL founder and director, and Keegan, one of the teen mentors who is one of Bella's buds (and mine too!). They were both able to verify that they thought it would work great for what we had in mind. Being able to quickly reach out to a trusted community is essential. I'm thankful that they both responded quickly! I'm beyond thankful to have them both in our lives.

Again, we wait. At least this time, we know exactly what we are waiting for and how long it SHOULD take... anything could change. I'll keep you all posted!

From 1... to 2... to 3!

A mom in a Facebook group asked about having more than one child. I'm going to share my opinion here on how it all went down for us. 

(Gah so tiny!)

 Can I possibly love #2 as much as I love my first? Okay so I legit cried about this while I was pregnant. How could my heart fill up and love someone as much as I loved Bella? I remember having MANY lengthy conversations with my dad about this. He assured me that it wasn't an issue (but let's by honest I'll always be both of my parents favorite, don't tell my brother! Okay so maybe he'll read this... just kidding brother!) No really he assured me that instead of feeling like my heart was pulled in both directions, it would double. As if, I thought. He'd lost his mind and lying was the only way he was going to get another grandkid out of me.. wait I was ALREADY pregnant, now what? Yep more conversations... I'm pretty sure my husband had thought I lost my mind. Maybe I had... My dad just kept saying, don't worry it happens. Well in the end, he was right, my heart doubled, then tripled in size. 

Do I have a favorite? You betcha I do and they all know who it is! It is the kid who sleeps the longest. The kid who listens the best. The kid who isn't a giant pain in the butt... Yeah so it changes daily... or more so by the minute. Of course, really I don't have a favorite. No wait, I lied, again, the best sleeper, the best listener, the one who gives me the least amount of headaches. They all of their moments, as do I. No there's not ONE of them that's my favorite. 

Can I maintain the special bond I have with my first born if I have to divide my attention? I get torn on this one, like really torn. Do they all get enough of me? Is there really enough of me for anyone or all three? The answer is, I'm not a super hero, I do the best I can. I'm human. There are times when I'm winning at the mom thing and times I feel like I'm failing miserably. Real truth, I push through those hard times and come out learning something. 

What have I learned you ask? Well after having three I've truly learned that I can't fill from an empty tank. Mom nights are important. Late night phone calls with my friends keep me going. Making a phone call to someone who's in my shoes when I feel like I'm royally sucking, those are my lifeline. I've learned I have to take care of me. For me that means taking a break and filling my own tank. Date nights have become more of a priority as have live music and dancing. Why? Because getting dressed up and going out with my hot husband fill my tank, or as we call it "our love bank". It helps remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. It helps me let go and enjoy being me without any obligations. Going to the gym and eating healthy also help. I've learned that eating crap makes me feel like crap. (Remind me of this when I want to eat 3 donuts in a day, or even one!) It makes me feel good about me. Having time to fill my tank, makes me a  better mother, a better wife, educator and friend. All of those are important to ME!

What are the financial implications? Girl friend, kids are an endless money pit. You will never be ready for one let alone three. You just make it happen. True fact. We buy a lot of second hand clothes when we can and it's worked up until more recently. They grow SO quick, don't waste your money on the $50 pair of shoes that won't fit next week. We also do a lot of free stuff. My kids are really looking forward to adventures around the city this summer finding new parks and new places to hike. They LOVED that last summer and keep talking about it as the weather gets warmer. Save where you can. We've figured out that splurging on a fancy car isn't our thing, we'd rather vacation. Figure out your priorities and work with it!

What if I need a bigger home? But do you? Why? We had our house on the market a couple of years ago. We pulled it after a major meltdown on my part and an epiphany on Ryan's part. We love our yard, our neighbors, the comfort of the home we've created here, the schools, a safe neighborhood, the ability we have to travel and explore. Eventually I see us living on more land with more creatures (read NOT kids!) and room to roam. I see us in an older farm house with a big wrap around porch... time will tell. Right now, it just sounds like more to clean, more to keep up with and more to spend money on. I'm happy where we are. Most of all, I'm comfortable and safe here. This is our house but really it's our home. 

How can you decide what's right for you? Only YOU can decide. I always wanted four kids. In my heart, I have four. I have three that walk with me in life and one that walks in heaven that we miscarried. My heart is full, overflowing really. I knew when we were pregnant with our tie breaker (who turned out to be Luca!) that I was done being pregnant. My heart was done, my body was done, my soul was full. 

Communication

A little over a week ago, Bella was doing some gymnastics during her PE time and hurt herself. She was doing a handstand and fell over as a result of her left hand slipping out from under her. We were not notified by school and Bella was in a fair amount of pain when I picked her up after school. She told me that her left hand slipped out from under her and she feel, injuring her neck. She said she told the gym teacher and was sent to the office for an ice pack. This mama bear was a little (ok a lot) heated that I didn't receive a phone call. I did a neuro assessment and checked did a solid head to toe assessment (thank goodness for 15 years of pediatric nursing experience)! I talked with her doctor and we agreed that bringing her in to the office in the morning was also a good idea.

On the way to the office that morning, I called her school. No one could tell me what happened just that she got an ice pack. Her PE teacher was in classes all day so that didn't help either. It's not that I didn't believe Bella, but I wanted to hear from someone that was with her what happened... specifically an adult. When the NP at the office asked what happened, Bella told them. When she asked me what I knew, I said just what Bella had told me because I hadn't heard from anyone at the school yet. Her eyes said it all... then her mouth "A neck injury and NO ONE called you? They should be glad she's not my kid"... in that moment, I bet the school was wishing she wasn't my kid either!

I emailed her gym teacher and waited for a response. We finally met yesterday. It did not go as planned. Initially the mama bear still had a fire under her butt (aka me!) and I was pretty sure that the gym teacher was going to go home and tell her husband about me using some choice words. Believe it or not, I kept my cool. Surprising, right?

We sat down in the lounge to talk. Turns out, Bella hadn't told the PE teacher what happened. The teacher had approached Bella because she seemed sad. Bella told her she fell but couldn't explain anything else. She sent her to the office to get an ice pack. We had a great chat about her concerns moving forward. She's never had a limb different student. The thing is, after talking to her, I know her wheels have been turning and she's been really thinking of ways to have Bella included and do everything she can while keeping her safe.

Am I saying I didn't or don't believe my child? No, not at all. I'm simply saying that there are two sides to every story. Yes I got fired up. Yes, I still think there should have been a phone call when she asked for an ice pack for her neck. It's a learning experience for EVERYONE involved. However, I went into the meeting hoping to be able to collaborate in order to benefit my child. Attacking anyone would not have been the answer and would not have allowed anyone to feel like they could come to me with an issue.

Bella made the decision to try the handstand and she didn't feel like stopping her. They have a list of activities they can try, including the crab walk, the bear crawl, the egg roll, the log roll... etc. Bella made the decision to try the handstand. Do I blame the gym teacher for not stopping her? No... why you wonder? I want Bella to do everything the other kids in her class do, I don't want to stop her or hold her back. If she wants to try, she should have that option. It's my job as her mother to keep her safe and lift her up, not break her down and discourage her.

The gym teacher had some excellent questions. Again, those wheels were turning! She wants to know how she can help Bella with jumping rope. She wants to have her be as independent as possible, which is always the goal for us too! She wants to know how much pressure is okay and how much pressure is too much on her left hand. I had suggestions for some things, which I'll share soon (so stay tuned) and other things I didn't. I commend her for really working to think of ways to help Bella. We both talked about how we don't know how to do things or how to help until the situation comes up. I'm not always forward thinking.

What did I do? I cam home and researched. I sent a text to our camp friend Keegan about joint pressure and asked her a boatload of questions. Can I tell you how mature Keegan is and what an incredible mentor she is for kids and parents alike? With Keegan's help, I have some ideas. I had some on my own as well. However reaching out to someone who lives with the difference is priceless, she has first hand knowledge about how I can help Bella.

Today, I'm planning to call Shriner's to reach out again. Our insurance is a pain and is not on the same page as I am with things. Shriner's is warm and welcoming and I'm sure they can help. They can also help us be an advocate to our insurance to find what fits Bella's needs best.
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Can we all take a pledge?

Isn't momming hard enough? Wait is that even a word. Lately, I've been feeling a little judged about a lot of things. Earlier in the year it was about me working and not being at my kids school enough... another mama judged me for "working and missing out"... I went home and cried. I opted not to say anything because this mama is truly passionate about being a stay at home mom. I finally decided it wasn't worth saying anything because I was heated and that wasn't the right time for me to voice my opinion.

Why did I care that she stayed home? I didn't. She felt truly passionate about it and was expressing her passion which to me came out as more of a judgement. Whether or not that was her intention, it still hurt a bit and stung like salt in an open wound. Hey more power to ya lady! Were they days I wanted to be home more? Hell to the yes! Were there also days I wanted to gallop out the front door and say "see ya later suckers, I get to go to work!"? Um also a big hell yes. The night after my boys decided to be ultra quiet and proceed to color each other with permanent markers was one of those days... how could I survive being a stay at home mom?

There are pros and cons to each... as there are with many things while being a parent and in life. There's often no "right" or "wrong" way to do things. Wanna do a sticker chart? Awesome. You do allowance? Sounds good. Your whole family eats organic? Fantastic. You drink soy milk? Great. There's an on-going joke at our house, Ryan and I differ on a lot of things when it comes to food. He likes ribeye and lots of fat "It flavors the meat". I like leaner cuts of meat with NO fat. He likes crunchy peanut butter, I like creamy. He likes soft boiled eggs, I like any other kind of egg except soft boiled eggs. Somehow, we've still managed to make life work for the last almost 12 years.

I was judged again this week about my dietary choices. I'm pretty sure whatever I put into my body isn't seeping out of my pores and affecting them. What I do know is that I'm making choices that are leading to a healthier me and I've never felt better (well not including when I was 22 before kids and full on adulting, you know when I was able to sleep as much as I wanted... prior to insomnia). Overall, it's my choice and it's working for me! Ryan and the kids aren't eating everything I'm eating and they for sure aren't eating the portions that I'm eating. We've had great dinner conversations about how mommy is working on a healthier diet and eating less sugar and stuff that comes in a package. The kids know I feel better because I'm eating less of that.

At the end of the day, I'll do me and you do you. To me, that means lifting people up when they are doing something that challenges them. I have a friend that runs marathons, not my style but she loves it, so I support her. I have a friend that eats all organic, hey knock yourself out sister! Another friend eats pretty healthy but doesn't want to give up her one can of soda a day, it works for her. A couple of my friends do fitness competitions, to me I have enough judgment but for them it motivates them, kick some butt ladies! Can we just lift each other up instead of tearing each other down?

Decisions

This week is historically hard for me as I've mentioned before. To add to it all, my mom and step father were involved in a tornado this past week. I was shaken to my core. My mom could have been taken from me the same week as my dad... but she wasn't. My feelings went into overdrive, my heart was aching, my stomach was turning. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. One minute I was traveling all alone, the next my mother in law was driving with me, the next we were all driving together as a family... wait should I just fly? No wait, drive? All of us? alone? Dear Lord, I was seriously losing my mind.... whatever part of it was left.

My husband said in the twelve years we've been together he's never seen me so indecisive. I could not make a decision to save my life. Then we made the decision to go all together. I started packing and getting stuff together. Packing for five is no easy task and then sending the dog to our aunt's here... It was just a world wind of emotion and action. I emailed teachers, adapted day care schedules, Ryan took time off of work. We were set. Then a long time internet friend reached out and offered to help. She is a flight attendant and offered to help with my standby ticket arrangements, which would be a ton cheaper than me flying on my own.

Things changed quickly. This would allow me the opportunity to be there and not have the kids to worry about. It's stressful, things are damaged, my mom and Mark are shook up, still in shock. Things still have to be cleaned up and organized. Insurance needs to be discussed and followed up with. There's a lot to do. Ryan and I couldn't bear to leave Grayson for his birthday without one of us. Having your parents remember and celebrate your birthday is a big deal, whether you are turning 6 or 36. This seemed to be the better plan of action and we changed plans.

Things were good and I packed my bag... until Bella was told. I've never seen my seven year old cry so much. All because her mama broke her heart. She wanted to go, she dug through her piggy bank, she begged and pleaded. I felt awful and ended up breaking down. Here I was thinking I made the best the decision for our family only to feel awful about the whole thing. I explained, I rationalized, I talked to her like a seven year old and I talked to her like an adult. Nothing worked, she cried. I cried.

Even sometimes what seems like the best decision may not feel like you did the best you could. I did the very best I could. I still failed my girl. We'll talk again when I get home. I did the best I could. Nothing I did at the moment would feel like the best decision once it happened. Life can be challenging... scratch that parenting is challenging.