Back to school!

Today is a big day at our house! ALL of the kids will be in school. While I know there are mamas who sit and cry in the corner over their last baby starting school, I'm not one of them. I get it, I really, really do. I empathize with you but I will not be the mama sitting with you.

While I get that your last baby is going to school, I'm embracing this phase in our life. I've embraced each phase as it's come and as it's gone. I realize my days of spending all day with my last baby are done, I get to celebrate and appreciate him a whole new way.

Luca is beyond ready to start kindergarten. I've been told before that he needs the stimulation. He's quick to learn and loves making friends. Heck, after less than a day, he learned to tie his shoe. I think he'll pick up the school routine quickly. Maybe not easily, but he'll get the hang of it quickly. The morning bustle, the getting on the bus, getting off the bus, finding his way, meeting new friends, embracing a different kind of routine, then coming home and all that comes along with end of the day stuff.

A new school year means new things for everyone. It means seeing old friends. It means welcoming and making new friends, which we've already accomplished this summer! It means new schedules, fresh lunches, routines, schedules, new teachers, new classmates. It's really exciting. I try to build up the excitement a lot at home, especially about how amazing their teachers will be. I really value and appreciate our teachers, which is another story.

Mama starts a new semester today too. It's hard to believe I've been teaching full time for almost 3 years. With each semester means changes as well. A new student group, a new schedule, new colleagues and old friends. I get a "fresh start" with each new trimester, it's kind of exciting and fun in my opinion.

I've asked Bella about talking to her class. I've done this EVERY YEAR since kindergarten. Here's the thing, this year I asked and she asked to wait and see.

"Mom I mostly know every one. I mean there are 3 new kids but let's just wait and see how the first day goes."

While I died a little inside, I watched her sweet little face. She was confident and strong. She was brave and happy. She is growing up and she's becoming more certain of who she is and what she wants. This makes me one proud mama. I'll keep you all posted on her final decision in the days to come!

The world of glasses and kids

Thank goodness for school nurses and updates in technology! A few weeks ago, I received an email from the school nurse stating that Grayson's screening came back for anisomitropia. Say that 10 times fast! Off to google I went, I know, I know, I have pediatric nursing textbooks at home and many pediatric nursing resources at home BUT I chose google. Roll your eyes now... but I did! It quickly answered my question of what exactly is that and does he need to see an optometrist. The answer was yes, period.

I immediately scheduled with an optometrist that I worked with when I did the vision screenings at school. What I didn't realize is that all kids were being screened for was near-sightedness and not far-sightedness. Turns out Grayson is super far-sighted in one eye and he was missed. Whatever new technology they use showed that on the screening.

First thing last Monday, we saw Dr. Ryan. He was SO patient with Grayson, who can be shy and quiet when he's on the spot. He tried to force out his favorite animal and talk to him. Instead, silence. I tried too and he was still pretty quiet. Turns out, he needs glasses to level the playing field for both eyes. He *might* not need them forever but if you know me, I often don't even know what's going on next week. We'll focus on one day at time. So for today, he needs glasses. For today, we'll focus on how to make him feel good about getting glasses.

So who picked the glasses? Not even a shadow of a doubt on who picked them if you know me... Grayson did! Several schools of thought here. HE has to be the one to wear them when he's awake, all of the time. Which means if HE doesn't like them and feel good in them, it's highly unlikely that he'll wear them. I know what you're thinking, but what if he picks something crazy or bright or doesn't match the things he wears? I seriously don't care.

I let my kids dress themselves. Have you seen my children in public. Literally I push being dressed in weather appropriate attire (ah no shorts in winter!), teeth and hair brushed... pretty much that's the only battle I fight. Ryan is like "You seriously let them go to school like that?" You betcha I did because I didn't have to fight with them this morning, I didn't have to nag and complain about clothes. I find that my kids feel super confident in what they wear, even if they do look like they came straight out of a circus act. I mean when they are my age, it's pretty frowned upon to look like a circus animal or even a performing for that matter. I'm letting them rock that now. Express your personality kid, knock yourself out.

Yeah, he picked them. They are cute and they have YELLOW in them which makes them extra cool because that's his favorite color. He even took it upon himself to ASK the employee if they came in yellow and lucky him, they did! He's thrilled about that.

The limb difference thing, that's old news to us, we adapt and we move on. We've been dealing with it for over 9 years now if you count the time we worried when Bella was in utero. This glasses thing, this is new. A BOY with glasses, double new and sounds expensive. Yes I already ordered a cheaper backup pair online because well... I know how my sons play. We might be laying a few new ground rules once they arrive. Tips or tricks for kids with glasses? I'd love to hear!

"Put your phone down and love me!"

This little guy says that frequently. He's with me at more often then not. He's been going to my work's childcare, he's with me on the days I don't have work obligations, we spend hours on end together. He gets a LOT of one of one attention. He needs a LOT of one on one attention and he has no problem letting me know. "Put your phone down and love me" and then up on my lap he climbs. "Close your computer and love me", "stop doing laundry and love me"

Here's the thing, there's times when I need to finish my email, there's times that phone call can't wait... but in the end, he'll never be this age again. I'll never regret closing my computer to love him. So I do just that. I close that computer, I turn off the phone, I stop the laundry because he needs my love and it can't wait.

This is the last year that I get to have my baby home. This is the only time in my life that I'll have one baby at home for this long without a sibling. I get to really enjoy him, embrace him, figure out his unique personality.

Anyone that knows me close, knows the struggles I've had with this strong willed, creative, stubborn, curious, adventurous little spirit. The last 9-12 months were the hardest of motherhood that I've endured yet. He challenged me. He pushed me to my breaking point nearly every.single.damn.day. I cried. Was I doing it right? How could I parent him? How was he SO different from his siblings? What had I done? How could I help him? How could I be a better mother? How could I be a better mother to them all? It was a struggle, a constant freaking struggle.

I did a lot of things different. I talked to every mother I knew. I talked to mothers of all ages. I felt like I was missing his boat time and time again. We took love and logic courses and I still felt like I was failing. I read books and books about parenting. Then we started a special kind of therapy called PCIT.

PCIT is parent child interaction therapy. Read more about it here. I was so skeptical. Even halfway through, I thought it was stupid and wondered how it would ever help. I emailed a parent that had completed the therapy and asked a million questions. Then, something clicked. Things started working at home. Like crazy working, in a good crazy way. Our relationship started working in a way that I thought was not possible. He was listening because I was giving better directions. The therapy was working for us.

We graduated the therapy well over a month ago. I was warned by our therapist that this might be a "honeymoon" phase and that the part that was working might stop but I needed to remain consistent. Well the honeymoon phase has continued and we're still going strong. I'm beyond thrilled for how this has helped us.

So my sweet boy that loves me more than anything. You remind me daily how much you love me. I will always "put down my phone and love" YOU!

Sibling care

Yesterday, after we received Bella's prosthetic, we had another appointment for one of her brothers. Bella and Grayson attend "sibling care" at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin while I attend the appointment with Luca. It's a really great resource for the siblings, they get a lot of attention, there's tons of toys and creative activities and the get to interact with some really great people. Mary is one of them.

I've worked with Mary at Children's for many years. She's held a number of roles. She's also married to one of the chaplain's who I happen to adore. I've been able to interact with her on a nurse level and now as a parent. She's amazing.

I dropped the kids at sibling care yesterday and carried on at my appointment with Luca. It takes about an hour each time and we have weekly appointments. Bella and Grayson have grown familiar with Mary and are very comfortable with her.

Bella wanted to share with Mary that she had just picked up her prosthetic. Mary asked "can I ask some questions and you can say pass if you don't want to answer?" Once again, she's amazing and the one she prefaced this to Bella was so kind. Bella said "Sure"

"Were you born without your hand or did something happen?"

"I was born like this."

"So you've never been able to experience life with two hands."

"No"

"Soooooo tell me what was it like to put on the prosthetic for the first time? Was it just ok? Was it totally awesome? was it different?"

"It was TOTALLY awesome!"

I could hear the excitement in Bella's voice and my heart skipped a beat. I gave Mary the look... how kind and loving that she asked her and genuinely showed her excitement for Bella. We continued to talk about Camp No Limits and how she'll learn to really use it this coming weekend. Mary expressed her interest, wrote down the name of camp and told Bella she couldn't wait to hear all about it. Mary's expressions on her face said it all and Bella's face lit up.

After all the struggles with appointments, all the back and forth of driving, all of the complete exhaustion on my part, the tears on her part from being stuck in a car... the world melted away and it was all worth it. In that moment, everything I've worked so hard to do for this girl came back to me ten fold. I had done something that was so much more then fight with insurance and tons of driving. I had helped her to open doors ahead of her. I had helped her to realize that we will fight to the ends of the earth for her. I had given it my all and it was worth it. SHE was worth it. This moment was worth it.

From 1... to 2... to 3!

A mom in a Facebook group asked about having more than one child. I'm going to share my opinion here on how it all went down for us. 

(Gah so tiny!)

 Can I possibly love #2 as much as I love my first? Okay so I legit cried about this while I was pregnant. How could my heart fill up and love someone as much as I loved Bella? I remember having MANY lengthy conversations with my dad about this. He assured me that it wasn't an issue (but let's by honest I'll always be both of my parents favorite, don't tell my brother! Okay so maybe he'll read this... just kidding brother!) No really he assured me that instead of feeling like my heart was pulled in both directions, it would double. As if, I thought. He'd lost his mind and lying was the only way he was going to get another grandkid out of me.. wait I was ALREADY pregnant, now what? Yep more conversations... I'm pretty sure my husband had thought I lost my mind. Maybe I had... My dad just kept saying, don't worry it happens. Well in the end, he was right, my heart doubled, then tripled in size. 

Do I have a favorite? You betcha I do and they all know who it is! It is the kid who sleeps the longest. The kid who listens the best. The kid who isn't a giant pain in the butt... Yeah so it changes daily... or more so by the minute. Of course, really I don't have a favorite. No wait, I lied, again, the best sleeper, the best listener, the one who gives me the least amount of headaches. They all of their moments, as do I. No there's not ONE of them that's my favorite. 

Can I maintain the special bond I have with my first born if I have to divide my attention? I get torn on this one, like really torn. Do they all get enough of me? Is there really enough of me for anyone or all three? The answer is, I'm not a super hero, I do the best I can. I'm human. There are times when I'm winning at the mom thing and times I feel like I'm failing miserably. Real truth, I push through those hard times and come out learning something. 

What have I learned you ask? Well after having three I've truly learned that I can't fill from an empty tank. Mom nights are important. Late night phone calls with my friends keep me going. Making a phone call to someone who's in my shoes when I feel like I'm royally sucking, those are my lifeline. I've learned I have to take care of me. For me that means taking a break and filling my own tank. Date nights have become more of a priority as have live music and dancing. Why? Because getting dressed up and going out with my hot husband fill my tank, or as we call it "our love bank". It helps remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. It helps me let go and enjoy being me without any obligations. Going to the gym and eating healthy also help. I've learned that eating crap makes me feel like crap. (Remind me of this when I want to eat 3 donuts in a day, or even one!) It makes me feel good about me. Having time to fill my tank, makes me a  better mother, a better wife, educator and friend. All of those are important to ME!

What are the financial implications? Girl friend, kids are an endless money pit. You will never be ready for one let alone three. You just make it happen. True fact. We buy a lot of second hand clothes when we can and it's worked up until more recently. They grow SO quick, don't waste your money on the $50 pair of shoes that won't fit next week. We also do a lot of free stuff. My kids are really looking forward to adventures around the city this summer finding new parks and new places to hike. They LOVED that last summer and keep talking about it as the weather gets warmer. Save where you can. We've figured out that splurging on a fancy car isn't our thing, we'd rather vacation. Figure out your priorities and work with it!

What if I need a bigger home? But do you? Why? We had our house on the market a couple of years ago. We pulled it after a major meltdown on my part and an epiphany on Ryan's part. We love our yard, our neighbors, the comfort of the home we've created here, the schools, a safe neighborhood, the ability we have to travel and explore. Eventually I see us living on more land with more creatures (read NOT kids!) and room to roam. I see us in an older farm house with a big wrap around porch... time will tell. Right now, it just sounds like more to clean, more to keep up with and more to spend money on. I'm happy where we are. Most of all, I'm comfortable and safe here. This is our house but really it's our home. 

How can you decide what's right for you? Only YOU can decide. I always wanted four kids. In my heart, I have four. I have three that walk with me in life and one that walks in heaven that we miscarried. My heart is full, overflowing really. I knew when we were pregnant with our tie breaker (who turned out to be Luca!) that I was done being pregnant. My heart was done, my body was done, my soul was full. 

Happy Birthday my littlest love

Our littlest love is turning FOUR today... How on God's green earth is that happening? He's a ball of energy at every minute of the day. He talks 24/7... no for real, he even talks when he's sleeping! He's a big time mama's boy. He prefers to sleep NEXT to someone, usually mama or Grayson. He missed "Hayson" and "bella" when they are at school. He loves milk, like really loves it, he'd prefer chocolate if his parents would let him. He loves cereal and oatmeal. He requested Daddy's homemade mac and cheese for his birthday dinner. He's obsessed with "policemans" (which were previously called "tops" aka cops). He's requested to take muffins and cookies to the police station for his birthday day date. He loves open gyms and burning energy. He's our only lefty and our only blue eyed babe. He's fierce, he's sassy, he's a cuddler and he's learning more every day! He loves to write his first name and color, especially with markers. 

Happy Birthday my babe, I can't believe you are four. I remember holding your nine pound four ounce body next to mine when you were born, I remember you nursing for hours on end. I remember looking at you and knowing that you completed our family. Happy Birthday my love, may all of your greatest dreams come true!