Just say no

Remember D.A.R.E from 5th grade? Yeah I sure do. I took a lot of lessons from those sessions but I think I missed one. I must've missed the "just say no" part. I've completely and utterly overextended myself yet again. I mean who can't work full-time, be the PFC co-president, volunteer to do the kids class parties, teach a new class, maintain (or better yet grow) a marriage, keep three kids alive, and a dog, and four chickens, workout, eat healthy, try to be a better me for me, have good relationships with my kids, grow friendships, cultivate old friendships, keep up with emails, write agendas for meetings, organize camping trips, go camping then unpack from said trips, maintain a house, pay bills on time, grocery shop... I mean you get it, right?

This train wreck has pulled into the station and is taking a long, hard look at life. The "just say no" part of D.A.R.E was SO important, how come they only apply it to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they should have a refresher in college, when you are married, then again when you have kids... just saying! Today, I'm reevaluating.

What are my goals to be a better me? A better me means doing all of the things that I love too and not forgetting those in the shuffle. Part of being a better me means working out, giving attention to my kids, growing my marriage, helping friendships continue to grow... I have a big agenda and it's not getting smaller any time soon. For me, I'm going to start focusing on saying no instead of maybe, instead of yes, instead of let me think about it. Not because I WANT to say no, but because I NEED to say no... for me, for you, for everyone I love and adore.

Trust me, no one will die in the process of me saying no. No one will die if I don't do ALL of the class parties. My students will survive with me giving my all and cutting that all off by 10 pm. They need me sane as well as prepared. Lack of sleep leaves me unprepared and not sane, that's for sure. The junk mail, the junk emails, they can wait. The pile of papers by the door, that can wait too. The deep cleaning that I really want to do because it makes ME feel good, it'll have to wait.

There will be bumps along this road but I'm done overextending me. I'm doing what I need to do for me. Part of that includes increasing my water intake... simple yet forgotten. Part of that includes working out, lifting heavier weights and working out for less time. Part of that means sitting by the campfire to soak in the stars with my family.

Yes, this blog is about Bella. Ultimately, this blog is meant to help parents, women, mamas, working mamas... it's meant to help whoever it needs to help. Today, I'm hoping it helps you. Take a lesson from this mama, just say no. It's okay, I promise.

Struggle bus

Anyone else riding the mom struggle bus? We started the day with two out of three kids asking for crepes and one kid asking for a breakfast smoothie. I did just that, I made a breakfast smoothie for all three kids AND crepes for all 3. I was in the kitchen for about an hour, prepping homemade crepes, smoothies and doing dishes.

Next up, tears. Tears from not enough Nutella on a crepe, tears from having no more Nutella, tears from a tummy ache from too many crepes, tears from having to turn off cartoons, tears from not JUST mangos in the smoothie, tears from a sibling touching you, tears from a sibling touching another sibling, tears from having to help clean up the house… yeah so lots of tears.

Some how, some way, the kids managed to play for a solid hour without fighting. They made a mess from hell from they were quiet. That could mean trouble, big trouble. In the moment, I opted to take it… my house wasn’t burning down (yet!) and my kids were quiet. Sometimes you take the quiet and the mess, because we all know they typically go hand in hand.

Then I opted to create some sanity for myself, prep for the gym. That would provide me with a good soul lift, a good sweat, the feeling of being strong and in control. I also decided to pack swim suits and pool stuff, just in case.

Well, just in case came… and went. People were losing their shit once again before we left the house. It was like trying to wrangle three wild circus animals into a cage… did I mention that they are different animals and aren’t even in the same circus? Oh and they eat each other?! You laughed, you know you did. That’s how it felt.

 

Today, I rode the struggle bus. At the end of the day, I sat on the back porch and cried while my husband held down the fort. Thank God for being partners in this madness. I was able to sit there and cry for as long as I needed too. He was supportive. I’m thankful for having him on my team and being my biggest support.

Today, the struggle bus pulled into the station at 7pm when their little butts hit the sheets. Today, I did the best I could. It didn’t seem good enough. I felt like I failed more times than not. Today, we all made it out alive. Today, I did the best I could. Tomorrow is a new day.

Bike victory!

Like I said in this post every day is a new day. We went on a play date yesterday and there was a strider bike that Bella decided she wanted to try.

"Mom, this isn't that hard!" I smiled and watched.

"Mom, we should take the training wheels off of my bike." We had a little conversation about how she first needed to work on her confidence and comfort so that bike riding was fun. Once that happened, we'll take the training wheels off.

Last night when we got home, Bella wanted to go on a bike ride. The boys were losing their minds one at a time so I opted to stay with them and have Ryan and Bella go. She came bursting into the house when they returned

"MOM, come watch me! Watch HOW FAST I CAN GO!" she was beyond excited. Fast for her is different than fast for Luca (his whole life is at a high speed level!)

I went outside and watched, I videoed and took pictures. I told her how proud I was of her. She talked about how she felt confident and comfortable.

"Mom, I'm getting WAY better at this. I feel so good riding my bike. It's fun and I feel comfortable now!" I was proud. I was proud that she had initiated bike riding, that she initiated speeding up a little, that she didn't get off and pull her bike... that she persevered and kept going.

Proud mama moment, proud daddy moment and most importantly, she was proud of herself!

Bike battles

Each day brings different challenges and battles for each of us. Each day is a new day, we can decide to pick ourselves up and carry on or to sulk. Today, Bella decided she was going to feel sorry for herself. Everything was wrong.

The boys rode too close.

The boys rode too far.

Daddy pushed her too hard.

Daddy told her to go faster.

Daddy gave her encouragement.

Daddy didn't give her enough encouragement.

The bike seat was up to high.

The bike seat was too low.

The bike basket was bumping around.

Her training wheels were too wobbly.

I adjusted her training wheels too much.

Life sucked big time. The bike sucked big time. We all sucked big time. Today was not her day... we'll try again tomorrow.

Be the advocate

To say I'm frustrated is an understatement. A week ago, I spent over three hours on the phone with Scheck and Siress, Shriners and insurance. We've had one appointment at Shriner's and several at Scheck and Siress, this means that I've driven to Chicago and back at least four times for appointments. I'm lucky that I've been able to work these appointments around my work schedule and that I have days off during the week.

According to many parents in our support group at Camp No Limits, Scheck and Siress should have kicked the prosthetic bill back to Shriners. That didn't happen. Parents told me to talk to them both. When I got home from CNL that's when the calling began. Endless messages, calls, return calls, follow ups, more calls, more time, what felt like a lot of wasted time going around in a circle. My head was spinning and I felt defeated.

When we went to Shriners, we were not told that we would be referred out to someone else (in our case Scheck and Siress) to complete the prosthetic. As far as Shriners was concerned, they were done with us until we followed up after her final fitting. As far as Scheck and Siress goes, they made a product and wanted to be paid. I felt deceived. If we would have gone to her pediatrician here, she could have done the same thing the physician at Shriners did... wrote a prescription for a prosthetic due to her missing her left hand, a congenital anomaly. Instead, we drove 6 hours round trip for them to do it and then send us somewhere else. We could have brought the prescription back home to a prosthetic company that was closer. Instead, Shriners told us to follow the Scheck and Siress rep that was IN our appointment.

Please understand, I'm not bashing either. I'm simply telling you our story and our situation so that other parents in our situation can understand. I hope that this helps others to not be in the situation that we've been in recently. I hope that it can help one family to understand the process a bit better. It's not an easy one. I hope that I can help just one person have a process that's a bit easier than ours.

We are happy with the prosthetic that was created for Bella and it is serving our purpose. Our prosthetist at Scheck and Siress really worked to create a prosthetic that would work for Bella. He was nice and easy to work with. He listened to our thoughts and concerns and hers as well.

We are happy with the physician at Shriners. He didn't do anything "wrong". He simply gave us a prescription and wrote his notes in a way that allowed insurance to see the value of a prosthetic for Bella. This helped us and her to receive her prosthetic.

In the end, this has left us with about $850 out of pocket to Scheck and Siress.

Where does the round robin come in? It comes in because Shriners SHOULD have covered the cost IF they have POPS in their hospital (POPS is the prosthetic, orthotic, place there). Shriners in Chicago recently had POPS fully up and running... one month after our initial appointment. Why didn't they tell us this when we scheduled? "Hey if you wait a month, we can make her prosthetic right here in house and you'll save a ton of money"... it's too bad that conversation never occurred.

What are we finding out? We are finding out that FUTURE prosthetics will be covered IF they are made AT SHRINER'S. We are also finding out that not all Shriner's run the same. They are all different and they don't seem to streamline the process from one location to another.

I spent another hour on the phone just this week, advocating for us and for Bella. They are taking our situation up to the head of the hospital at Shriner's Chicago to see if there's anything they can do to help us financially with the cost of her prosthetic. Each day we live and we learn. In the past few months, I've learned that I will advocate for Bella's needs to the ends of the earth. I will continue to fight for her needs, even if that means exhaustion on my end. Today, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. My fight for her doesn't end today. I won't back down, I will continue to be there for her and be her voice!

Face your fears

Earlier today I mentioned going a  bike ride. There was lots of excitement and everyone agreed. Should I mention that riding bikes with kids is like waiting for a train wreck to happen? No, really. Usually there's crying, screaming, crashing, cuts, bumps, bruises, more crying and frustration by all parties involved. Imagine all that times three...

One example: riding down the street... 

Kid one- crashes into a grass ditch and refuses to get back on the bike.

Kid two- is actually pulling their bike and not riding at all

Kid three- driving around like a wild drunk, crashing and doing it again... faster

(Pre-bike ride today, super excited, can you tell?!)

That sounds fun, right? Come on, doesn't it make you want to bike ride every day? Yeah, me neither. So for awhile, when we biked, I walked.... while ONE kid rode. This saved us all a little sanity. That can only last for so long though, so tonight I offered while praying to Calgon, God, Buddha, and anyone else that might be listening. 

Bella was SO excited, then I made her grab her new sports on with the bike attachment. Then she cried. 

"Mom, I do not want to do this. You are SO mean. Why are you forcing me to do this? You never listen to what I want. You are the worst mom ever. I don't even want this thing (pointing to the prosthetic). I never even asked for a bike hand. You wanted that, not me. I ONLY wanted the one for tumbling. UGH! I'm not going"

"Uh yeah you are. I'm sorry that you are not happy but you are trying this. I'll be right there to help you but you are wearing the prosthetic for ONE block."

More tears and frustration. "FINE but ONLY for ONE block!" 

"Sounds good!" she doesn't get a choice to brush her teeth or comb her hair because as her mother, I know best. She was not getting a choice about at least entertaining the option of trying the bike hand for one block. It's not like I was asking her for something crazy. It was completely reasonable and how would she know if she liked it or not if she didn't give it a chance.

Away the boys, Bella and I went down the street. Fifteen minutes later, we were three houses away. Yes that was NOT a typo, three houses people... HOUSES, not blocks! Bella was barely pedaling. The boys... see what I said earlier, they are those kids! I kept encouraging and giving support.

"You've got this Bella!"

"Good job pedaling, use your strong legs!"

"Go girl"

"You've got this!! Keep going!"

"Look at you! Nice work pedaling! You are doing great!"

"Keep it going sister!"

"Deep breath in and deep breath out, keep trying"

"Mom, I'm trying. I'm facing my fears. I'm really, really afraid. I'm scared I'm going to fall. I'm afraid, what if I fall? I'm trying hard mom. I'm breathing in and out. I can do this. I can try new things." She said to me and my heart took a hit. She was facing her fears of bike riding. She's unsteady even on training wheels. She's nervous and afraid. She needs a lot of encouragement. She was getting it. All that really mattered was that she was trying. 

About that time, her dad pedaling down the street on his bike! She was so excited. He rode up to the boys and stayed with them and would pedal back down by us. Slow and steady we were getting there. All of the boys in our crew were extra patient. 

At one point she asked to take off her prosthetic and I agree to let her at the end of the street. She didn't argue and kept going. At the end of the street, she stopped and asked if she could take it off. I helped her then stuck her prosthetic arm under my arm and we both rode off. About two turns of the pedal she piped up. 

"Mom I actually think it's easier with the prosthetic. Can you help me put it back on?" I did. I was actually happy that I had pushed it a little harder than she might have liked. She realized that it helped her be more steady. It helped her to have full control of the handle bars. 

Around the corner we went, slow and steady. We pedaled back in the driveway. I stopped to tell her how proud I was of her and that she did a really great job trying so hard. She really faced her fears and grabbed the bull by the horns. I shared with her that I was so proud that even though she was afraid, she still tried. That I was really proud of I told her, for trying! 

As we parked our bikes, she had one more thing to say...

"Mom tomorrow's my birthday. Do you think we could get me a new bike?" I simply smiled. We'll see!

Insurance stuff

Post picking up Bella's prosthetic, I called our insurance to talk about finances a bit. In the conversation, the lady on the phone asked why we had not gone to somewhere closer. She said "Hanger is very close to you and you could have gone there. They are an in network provider and would have been covered."

I proceeded to explain to her our experience with Hanger. Hanger had ME call our pediatrician to discuss with her Bella's needs and my concerns regarding Bella's limb difference and safety when it comes to sporting and gymnastics activities. I did talk to her and she asked the Hanger call and talk with her about the different options. The staff at Hanger told me that according to insurance, they couldn't do that because that would be considered soliciting. I asked how to educate her on the options and was left with not much information. Since when is it my job as her mother to educate the pediatrician? Surely there was someone more educated on prosthetics and options for Bella than me! I knew of what could be helpful for her but that by no means means that I am the expert!

There are several options for prosthetics. I am not well versed on any one prosthetic. I know a little bit about the few I've seen at Camp No Limits or that friends have used. That's the extent of our experience. Just because I've seen them, does not mean they will work for Bella. This is why I was consulting the experts.

I then talked to Hanger again after our appointment at Shriners. I asked them to get our notes from Dr. Ackerman. I left several messages with NO return call. Can you sense my frustration here? Did they not want our business? Do they not have time to get her records? What is the problem here?

The weird thing is that last year, Hanger provided Bella's scholarship to attend camp. I couldn't be more appreciative of that! I was disappointed that although they provided our scholarship to attend Camp No Limits, I was being left with a bad taste in my mouth after their service to my child as a customer and patient was neglected. Why would they provide a scholarship and then not want our business? I was confused and I still remain confused.

In the end, our business went to where Shriner's referred us to start. The problem with that is the location is a 3 hour drive each way (Ugh, Chicago traffic how I hate thee!). Scheck and Siress provided us with a prosthetist that was an expert in Bella's needs. He presented options and talked about how each would or could benefit her. In the end, we went with what insurance would approve as well as what his recommendations stated.

Why am I sharing this all with you? I'm sharing it because as a parent of a child with a limb difference, YOU are your child's biggest advocate! You must be the voice of your child. You must not back down. You must speak up to get the needs of your child met. You are the only one that can do this. Know that you are enough. You are doing the best job you can for your child, though at times, it may not seem like it. At times, you may feel like you've been knocked down. Pick your ass back up and prepare to be strong once again! You've got this, I promise.

If you feel like you are struggling, know that there is a community of others out there to help you. I reached out to Mary (CNL Director) and Keegan (CNL Mentor) more times than I can even remember. Each time, they helped me, they encouraged me, they made me feel good about what I was doing for Bella. They lifted me up. I'm here for you. Reach out if you need me, I'll help you! No one should struggle alone. Reach out to your community!! It takes a village my sweet friends.

Finding Joy

Does anyone else follow Finding Joy on Facebook? On June 18th she wrote this:

I don't want to rush through life anymore.

I realized I was a rusher several months ago. It was when I was drying my hair and I had this moment where I saw that I was racing through it. Getting agitated it took too long. And I stepped back and thought about how I had nowhere to go that day and no deadlines and yet there I was rushing.

I have taught my rushing culture to my kids too.

Sometimes in the mornings I'll be in a frenzy racing around and thinking about what to do next and totally missing out in the now. I'll lose patience for shoe tying or missing bags or being late for a line that I would end up sitting in no matter what.

So several months ago I decided to become aware of my rushing. And to catch myself in those moments and to actually take a big breath and to remind myself that rushing changes nothing.

Rushing just made me anxious.

So now, now I try to slow my pace. Being aware of the time but also my pulse. 

If we race through life too fast or looking ahead too much we might just miss today.

And today, my friends, is worth not rushing through.

-Rachel

If you don't typically follow her or read her posts, do it. Do it now, run over there and follow and like her page. She inspires me every day to be a better me, to take care of me too, to not fall into the Pinterest trap, to settle down, to live and let love takeover. 

This post rang oh so true. I'm such a rusher, which makes me a stressor. My kids move at sloth's pace. 

I get agitated and anxious when things take too long. I'm a total Type A-er. Wait is that even a word? This summer I've been trying to take the kids to do fun stuff and it hit me. I'm yelling "HURRY UP, GET IN THE CAR!!!!" I'm pretty sure even the lady down the street got in the car at that point! :) No in all seriousness, I was rushing them to go have fun. In the process, crushing their fun and causing chaos and anger for all of us. How was this fun? Would even be fun? I mean why was I rushing them and causing all of this? I wanted to just hurry up and go. It's not the fun would suddenly stop if we were 10 minutes later. 

After reading Rachel's post, I'm more aware. Yes there are times we need to be in a rush, we have doctor appointments or someone waiting on us. Otherwise, rushing was causing me more problems. I'm working on it, like really working on it. There are things that need to done right.this.minute... but the other things, we'll get to, eventually, like most things in life. 

As for me, I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I'm really focusing on it more and trying to improve for them and mostly for me.

Words that hurt

Bella was playing a new game I brought home from my Kansas City trip. I thought the game would be fun for all of us to play together. My mom bought two sets for the kids so we could all play, well most of it. She bought it at my suggestion.

We were all outside and playing. Bella would hold the bit with her right hand and then pull the ball off and then toss it with her right hand while holding her mitt under her left arm. She was able to toss it, then put the mitt back on. Well after sometime, she was told by someone "Just put it on your left hand then you don't have to move it"... she got frustrated and came into the house crying. I asked what was wrong. 

"I just wish I had two hands" she said through her tears. 

My heart broke into a million tiny pieces. I could literally feel it shattering within my chest. 

"What happened? Why would you say that?"

In my mind, I knew that there was a time that this would come. I mean there's always a time when we wish for something other than what we are. We want a bigger house. We wish we had more land. We wish we were a size 4. We wish that we had more kids. We wish we had a different teacher... the list goes on! Why wouldn't our sweet little lady wish to have two hands? It's a normal reaction, especially since she was a bit challenged. 

That doesn't mean it hurt any less or made me feel any different. I wish I could just give her my hand. I wish I could make it different for her. I wish her heart wasn't hurting. I wish this game didn't challenge her and cause her to think that way. I wish that I could take away the pain that any of my children feel. I literally can't even imagine their first heartbreak. My heart will probably break into a million little slivers too. 

"I don't know why I said it. I don't mean it. I just wish people would let me do it MY way!"

To shay my love. To shay. Why can't you do it YOUR way? Here's the thing, she was and she can. Who were we or ANYONE else to tell her how to do it when we weren't in her shoes. How could we know what's best for her when we have two hands? WHO should tell her how to do it? I can tell you who, her friends that are born just like her. Her friends that are challenged in the same way that she has can help guide her. In fact, they HAVE helped to guide her. They helped with zippers, shoe tying, buttons... you name it. 

"Here's the thing, Boo. People just want to help you and sometimes we say things like to try it this way because we THINK it may make it easier or less difficult for you. BUT in the end, do what works best for YOU! That's the beauty of being different, we are all different and we each do things in a way that works for us."

She appeared to be soaking in my words. We walked to her room and laid together in her bed to chat some more. 

"Can we talk about what you said?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"That really made me sad that you said that. I can't imagine what it's like to do things with one hand. I do know one thing, I know that because of you being born with your hands the way they are that we've met a lot of different people that we love and adore."

"Yeah like ALL of our Camp No Limits Family. They are our family right? And the Lucky Fin people (meaning the Lucky Fin Project) and Jordan (From Born Just Right) and Shae and when we do the motorcycle fundraisers in Kansas City, all my bikers, and Gary" 

"Yes Bella, like ALL of those people. They wouldn't be part of our family if you were born with hands like me."

"Mom, it's true. I really don't want two hands because I love all of those people. I just want to do things my way."

We continued to talk and then she went back outside, picked up that game and did it HER way. You know what, HER way didn't hurt anyone and it was perfectly fine for HER. In the end, that's what matters. 

It takes a village

Today, I struggled with being a mother. Life is busy with three kids. There's activities, commitments, guitar lessons, girl scouts, two full time working parents, a marriage, three kids, a dog, four chickens, two vehicles, an RV, a house, laundry, dishes, meals, grass that needs to be mowed, work meetings, on call schedules, teacher meetings, bedtimes, bill paying, teeth brushing, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, baths... need I say more. I mean there's responsibilities galore. It's like a juggling act.

Today, those balls in the juggling act were falling far faster than I could catch any of them and I'm pretty sure I dropped them all. At the end of the night, we all made it out alive, though I couldn't exactly tell you how. There was crying, happiness, laughter, tears, yelling, giggling... it was like a night of bipolar emotions from all parties. The train stopped at every emotion station before stopping for the night.

Today, I struggled. Today, I called in my village. I called my therapist, aka my best friend. I called my mom. I reached out to an old friend. I called in my village. I cried to all three of them. Tonight I struggled, today I struggled. Today, I'm thankful that we all made it out in one piece.

I struggle to feel like I'm "mom enough" to all three kids. They are all so very different, with different personalities, different needs and wants, different hopes and dreams. How can I parent them all in a way that is best for each of them. Is that even possible? I struggled with feeling like I was successful at motherhood.

At the end of the day, I can assure you one thing. It takes a village. It takes the desire to want to do better. My kids push me to the brink of my breaking point, they also make me happier than I've ever been. I can assure you that I will bust my ass trying to be the mom that each of them need, want and deserve. I might die trying but I will try. I will push myself until I can no longer push. While I struggle to feel like enough, I can assure you that I'm giving it 110% every damn day. I can assure you that I call in my resources, I use that village, I seek out more information. I try.

I hope that someday they each realize that while I may not be the best mom, I'm the only mom they have and I've never given up on any of them. I will always strive to be better. I will always push to do more and to be more of the parent they each deserve. I may not be the best but I'll never ever give up.

Juggling?!

Our school does a thing called High Interest Day. It's a great day filled with fun and activities that our Parent Faculty Council (PFC) puts together. It's a LOT Of work for all involved but the kids come home with memories that can't be replaced. Bella once made a jump rope out of rubber bands that she was super proud of... until her younger brother decided to take it apart (yep, insert eye roll... ratty brothers!)

Bella missed the sign up day so one of her best buds signed her up. He signed her up for yoga, juggling, marbles, paper crafting and a few other things. I was volunteering in her brother's room for the morning but was able to pop in and see what she was doing from time to time as well. It was a nice way to see the school in action and the kids filled with smiles and laughter.

(Marble games)

I ended my sessions and was able to watch her do juggling for about 15 minutes before I headed out. I watched the demonstrator juggle scarfs, balls, bowling pins and a few other things. He gave some tips and some pointers. The kids were given feathers and he talked about how to keep the feather straight up. I watched Bella and the other kids as they focused on the task. I glanced his way and saw the way he looked at Bella. I wasn't pleased. I could tell that his wheels were turning and that his face had an expression that stamped into my brain. His face said "What the heck is a kid without two hands doing in my juggling class?" My heart hurt but I forced a smile and he turned away.

(who knew balancing a feather could be so much fun?!)

I stayed while she continued to work on the feather tricks and took a ton of pictures of her and the other kids. She had a constant smile on her face. Bella really enjoyed it. My heart was still hurting because I wondered if she saw the way the juggler had looked at her. Her face painted a different picture. She clearly didn't notice and wasn't concerned at all about juggling. She was enjoying the things that they were doing and was unphased by the expression he had made.

That night I asked "How did High Interest Day go?"

"Best day ever!" she said.

"It was SO fun!" Grayson said.

Clearly my kids enjoyed the day and juggling wasn't something that effected her in one way or another. Kids figure it out, better than adults. Juggling was a small piece of the pie for the day. Did I ask her how juggling specifically went? No because in the end, if she didn't feel like it was worth talking more about, then it wasn't. Let your kids be your guide and go with it!

From 1... to 2... to 3!

A mom in a Facebook group asked about having more than one child. I'm going to share my opinion here on how it all went down for us. 

(Gah so tiny!)

 Can I possibly love #2 as much as I love my first? Okay so I legit cried about this while I was pregnant. How could my heart fill up and love someone as much as I loved Bella? I remember having MANY lengthy conversations with my dad about this. He assured me that it wasn't an issue (but let's by honest I'll always be both of my parents favorite, don't tell my brother! Okay so maybe he'll read this... just kidding brother!) No really he assured me that instead of feeling like my heart was pulled in both directions, it would double. As if, I thought. He'd lost his mind and lying was the only way he was going to get another grandkid out of me.. wait I was ALREADY pregnant, now what? Yep more conversations... I'm pretty sure my husband had thought I lost my mind. Maybe I had... My dad just kept saying, don't worry it happens. Well in the end, he was right, my heart doubled, then tripled in size. 

Do I have a favorite? You betcha I do and they all know who it is! It is the kid who sleeps the longest. The kid who listens the best. The kid who isn't a giant pain in the butt... Yeah so it changes daily... or more so by the minute. Of course, really I don't have a favorite. No wait, I lied, again, the best sleeper, the best listener, the one who gives me the least amount of headaches. They all of their moments, as do I. No there's not ONE of them that's my favorite. 

Can I maintain the special bond I have with my first born if I have to divide my attention? I get torn on this one, like really torn. Do they all get enough of me? Is there really enough of me for anyone or all three? The answer is, I'm not a super hero, I do the best I can. I'm human. There are times when I'm winning at the mom thing and times I feel like I'm failing miserably. Real truth, I push through those hard times and come out learning something. 

What have I learned you ask? Well after having three I've truly learned that I can't fill from an empty tank. Mom nights are important. Late night phone calls with my friends keep me going. Making a phone call to someone who's in my shoes when I feel like I'm royally sucking, those are my lifeline. I've learned I have to take care of me. For me that means taking a break and filling my own tank. Date nights have become more of a priority as have live music and dancing. Why? Because getting dressed up and going out with my hot husband fill my tank, or as we call it "our love bank". It helps remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. It helps me let go and enjoy being me without any obligations. Going to the gym and eating healthy also help. I've learned that eating crap makes me feel like crap. (Remind me of this when I want to eat 3 donuts in a day, or even one!) It makes me feel good about me. Having time to fill my tank, makes me a  better mother, a better wife, educator and friend. All of those are important to ME!

What are the financial implications? Girl friend, kids are an endless money pit. You will never be ready for one let alone three. You just make it happen. True fact. We buy a lot of second hand clothes when we can and it's worked up until more recently. They grow SO quick, don't waste your money on the $50 pair of shoes that won't fit next week. We also do a lot of free stuff. My kids are really looking forward to adventures around the city this summer finding new parks and new places to hike. They LOVED that last summer and keep talking about it as the weather gets warmer. Save where you can. We've figured out that splurging on a fancy car isn't our thing, we'd rather vacation. Figure out your priorities and work with it!

What if I need a bigger home? But do you? Why? We had our house on the market a couple of years ago. We pulled it after a major meltdown on my part and an epiphany on Ryan's part. We love our yard, our neighbors, the comfort of the home we've created here, the schools, a safe neighborhood, the ability we have to travel and explore. Eventually I see us living on more land with more creatures (read NOT kids!) and room to roam. I see us in an older farm house with a big wrap around porch... time will tell. Right now, it just sounds like more to clean, more to keep up with and more to spend money on. I'm happy where we are. Most of all, I'm comfortable and safe here. This is our house but really it's our home. 

How can you decide what's right for you? Only YOU can decide. I always wanted four kids. In my heart, I have four. I have three that walk with me in life and one that walks in heaven that we miscarried. My heart is full, overflowing really. I knew when we were pregnant with our tie breaker (who turned out to be Luca!) that I was done being pregnant. My heart was done, my body was done, my soul was full. 

Can we all take a pledge?

Isn't momming hard enough? Wait is that even a word. Lately, I've been feeling a little judged about a lot of things. Earlier in the year it was about me working and not being at my kids school enough... another mama judged me for "working and missing out"... I went home and cried. I opted not to say anything because this mama is truly passionate about being a stay at home mom. I finally decided it wasn't worth saying anything because I was heated and that wasn't the right time for me to voice my opinion.

Why did I care that she stayed home? I didn't. She felt truly passionate about it and was expressing her passion which to me came out as more of a judgement. Whether or not that was her intention, it still hurt a bit and stung like salt in an open wound. Hey more power to ya lady! Were they days I wanted to be home more? Hell to the yes! Were there also days I wanted to gallop out the front door and say "see ya later suckers, I get to go to work!"? Um also a big hell yes. The night after my boys decided to be ultra quiet and proceed to color each other with permanent markers was one of those days... how could I survive being a stay at home mom?

There are pros and cons to each... as there are with many things while being a parent and in life. There's often no "right" or "wrong" way to do things. Wanna do a sticker chart? Awesome. You do allowance? Sounds good. Your whole family eats organic? Fantastic. You drink soy milk? Great. There's an on-going joke at our house, Ryan and I differ on a lot of things when it comes to food. He likes ribeye and lots of fat "It flavors the meat". I like leaner cuts of meat with NO fat. He likes crunchy peanut butter, I like creamy. He likes soft boiled eggs, I like any other kind of egg except soft boiled eggs. Somehow, we've still managed to make life work for the last almost 12 years.

I was judged again this week about my dietary choices. I'm pretty sure whatever I put into my body isn't seeping out of my pores and affecting them. What I do know is that I'm making choices that are leading to a healthier me and I've never felt better (well not including when I was 22 before kids and full on adulting, you know when I was able to sleep as much as I wanted... prior to insomnia). Overall, it's my choice and it's working for me! Ryan and the kids aren't eating everything I'm eating and they for sure aren't eating the portions that I'm eating. We've had great dinner conversations about how mommy is working on a healthier diet and eating less sugar and stuff that comes in a package. The kids know I feel better because I'm eating less of that.

At the end of the day, I'll do me and you do you. To me, that means lifting people up when they are doing something that challenges them. I have a friend that runs marathons, not my style but she loves it, so I support her. I have a friend that eats all organic, hey knock yourself out sister! Another friend eats pretty healthy but doesn't want to give up her one can of soda a day, it works for her. A couple of my friends do fitness competitions, to me I have enough judgment but for them it motivates them, kick some butt ladies! Can we just lift each other up instead of tearing each other down?