Birthday Girl

Am I still a girl if I'm pushing 40? I'm going with yes!

I'm determined to make this year my best year yet. Not that I've had bad years in the past... it's just that I haven't made me a priority since giving birth to those three little loves you see in this picture. I'm determined to figure out a way to continue to find balance and peace within myself. I'm getting control of my diet. What goes in must come out... it comes out for me in the form of emotions, sluggishness, crabby attitude, exhaustion, tears... If I fuel my body with good food, it comes out in a more desirable way. So that's what I'm doing. 

I've been working out and I love feeling strong. I'm continuing to work out, lift heavier weights, really push my cardio. Yes there's the benefit of looking good, but there's the bigger benefit of feeling good. Feeling good in my own skin, feeling comfortable and confident. It's about getting control of me and what makes me feel good. Pushing my body just past my comfort zone feels great. I feel proud and accomplished. 

I'm finding grace, not perfection. Thanks to a great friend for sending me the book in the mail and supporting me in the journey to find me, embrace my life as it is and the journey that we are on. I'm learning to say no when I need to. I'm learning that saying yes can mean I compromise me and my happiness, which in turn effects those around me. 

So as I turn 38 today, do me a favor. Take care of YOU. Do what makes YOU feel good. If you feel like you want to do something for me, I'm asking that you donate to our goal of heading to Camp No Limits this summer. There's a paypal link on the right. Camp makes me happy and camp makes the people that I love happy too. Here's to my best year yet and to you living your best life too! 

Healthy living

I’m 3 weeks into this healthy eating thing and I feel fantastic… no really I swear, I do. I’m sleeping like I haven’t slept in 8 years. Instead of getting up three or four times and night and tossing and turning, I get up once a night to use the bathroom (thank you kids for giving me “the mom bladder”) and then go right back to sleep. It’s incredible. I’m feeling better in my own body and I’m owning up to the mistakes I made with eating and exercise in the past.

What mistakes did I make exactly? I would workout like a boss then come home and eat a sleeve of girl scout cookies (hello, I live with a dealer!) What point was the workout when eating like that? Well the point was that it gave me about an hour and a half of kid free, me time. Was it worth it? Hell to the yes!  It was for my sanity but it also wasn’t helping my waistline or the way I felt overall. I was still sluggish and tired and sleeping like crap.

What am I doing differently at the gym? Well I’m still working out like a boss. I’m paying attention to how my body feels and listening more to those cues. You know when you work with a trainer to push you to lift heavier or they give you the motivation for just one more? I’m able to push myself a little harder and a little further now. I still work with a trainer about once every month or so to be sure I’m mixing up what I’m doing and that I’m targeting all of my muscle groups. She gives me a plan and then I follow that plan until we meet again to mix things up. When my knees start aching on the stairclimber, I switch up my cardio. If my feet are killing from my plantar fasciitis, I try the bike. Yes, when you pay attention, your body guides you in what’s best that day. I still push myself, I still get a good workout but I’m really listening to what my body needs in that moment.

How’s the eating thing? No I’m not eating sticks and twigs. I’m actually full almost all of the time. I’m eating on a schedule and set amounts with the help of a coach. She’s helping me kill my nutrition goals. I haven’t weighed or measured since I started three weeks ago so today’s the day. I allowed her to tell me when to weigh and measure, so instead of just following the scale, I can feel the difference in my body. I’m excited to see if the measurements or scale show a change… I feel like they both will! I’m figuring out how to prepare things in a healthy manner so that they taste good and make me feel satisfied. The unreal thing? I don’t really have a craving for the sweets that I so loved before.

My self-control has been really good too. Why? I think because I was truly ready for a change. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. There were donuts in the conference room at work the other day and though I cursed under my breath (who doesn’t love donuts?!), I didn’t eat one. There were cookies at the meeting yesterday and I chose carrots. Why? Because again, the craving for that sweet stuff isn’t really there.

How has having a coach helped? Honestly, I needed that accountability. I knew I had to send her pictures of my food or a food journal. I didn’t want to disappoint her and I knew she was working hard to keep me on track. For me, having someone coach me with the nutrition piece has been essential. Even sending a quick text of “can I eat this?” has helped me understand reading labels better (though most of my food doesn’t have labels now!). She’s also helped me understand why my body needs certain foods and how they affect how I feel.

What keeps you motivated? Any specific foods that you love? Has someone been your motivation or inspiration? I’m curious what others are doing and what keeps you focused! Share away, remember we are all in this together, having support is key!

Decisions

This week is historically hard for me as I've mentioned before. To add to it all, my mom and step father were involved in a tornado this past week. I was shaken to my core. My mom could have been taken from me the same week as my dad... but she wasn't. My feelings went into overdrive, my heart was aching, my stomach was turning. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. One minute I was traveling all alone, the next my mother in law was driving with me, the next we were all driving together as a family... wait should I just fly? No wait, drive? All of us? alone? Dear Lord, I was seriously losing my mind.... whatever part of it was left.

My husband said in the twelve years we've been together he's never seen me so indecisive. I could not make a decision to save my life. Then we made the decision to go all together. I started packing and getting stuff together. Packing for five is no easy task and then sending the dog to our aunt's here... It was just a world wind of emotion and action. I emailed teachers, adapted day care schedules, Ryan took time off of work. We were set. Then a long time internet friend reached out and offered to help. She is a flight attendant and offered to help with my standby ticket arrangements, which would be a ton cheaper than me flying on my own.

Things changed quickly. This would allow me the opportunity to be there and not have the kids to worry about. It's stressful, things are damaged, my mom and Mark are shook up, still in shock. Things still have to be cleaned up and organized. Insurance needs to be discussed and followed up with. There's a lot to do. Ryan and I couldn't bear to leave Grayson for his birthday without one of us. Having your parents remember and celebrate your birthday is a big deal, whether you are turning 6 or 36. This seemed to be the better plan of action and we changed plans.

Things were good and I packed my bag... until Bella was told. I've never seen my seven year old cry so much. All because her mama broke her heart. She wanted to go, she dug through her piggy bank, she begged and pleaded. I felt awful and ended up breaking down. Here I was thinking I made the best the decision for our family only to feel awful about the whole thing. I explained, I rationalized, I talked to her like a seven year old and I talked to her like an adult. Nothing worked, she cried. I cried.

Even sometimes what seems like the best decision may not feel like you did the best you could. I did the very best I could. I still failed my girl. We'll talk again when I get home. I did the best I could. Nothing I did at the moment would feel like the best decision once it happened. Life can be challenging... scratch that parenting is challenging.

"Mom why are you weighing your food?"

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know I've started week two of my healthy eating journey. It's been amazing so far. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and there were days I didn't want to rethink what I was doing. It's challenging. I'm a full-time nursing professor, I teach lecture and clinical and have meetings. I'm a full-time mama with three kids that need 100% of my attention all of the time, they need lunches and snacks, sometimes three different breakfasts, homework help, reading at night, bath help and just love. I'm a full-time wife with a husband that I adore. He's handsome and considerate, kind and caring, outgoing and funny... and I'm pretty sure he was a singer in his past :) Life isn't always easy but it's ours and I wouldn't change it for the world.

For awhile I've been watching Bella's friends mom on her journey into health and fitness. Her posts are inspiring and motivational. She's a wealth of knowledge and wants to share that with others. She's not pushy in any way, she never posts about "Come work out with me" or "buy this to support me"... she simply has posted pictures of her journey, pictures of her meals and she's honest. I didn't know her well but after watching her for some time, I reached out to her and said "HELP, I'm ready, I'll pay you!" She responded back quickly and we met shortly after at the gym where she works.

She questioned me... why now? why RIGHT now? when can you start changing your eating? How will you be successful? What kind of support do you have? what motivates you? lots and lots of questions. They pushed me to dig deep and to think about why I decided that NOW is the time for me.

Ultimately, I need to take care of me. I can't continue to pour from an exhausted, empty tank that was often running on fumes. I want to be around to see my grandkids, I want to chase my kids in the yard, I want to show them that eating healthy can taste good and can make you feel good. I want to be the example for them. I want to hike without stopping to catch my breath. I want to sleep soundly and feel rested in the morning. I shared all of this with her.

Last night, Grayson asked "Mom why are you weighing your food?" I responded because I'm trying to learn how to eat better, just like you are learning about things in school. I'm learning how much my body needs and what my body needs to feel good and be healthy. He said "Are you making us healthy too? Are you weighing our food?" "Nope, I'm not weighing your food because your body is growing and we are changing our diets together to eat healthier food. I'm giving your body more of what it needs, like fruits and veggies and meat and healthy snacks" "Good job being healthy mom!" My eyes filled with tears and my eyes are again filling with tears. Why? Because my children are noticing my changes. While they may not be physical (yet!) they are seeing them in the choices I'm making.

That's enough to continue to motivate me!