Mental health is messed up...

This blog is usually about Bella but today I'm shedding some light on a different situation. Mental health... our current situation in our county alone sucks... I'm about to get on a soapbox... consider yourself warned :)

When I gave birth to Grayson just TWO short days after my dad suddenly passed away, I told my doctor that I was worried about postpartum depression. She said "we'll address it if it arises." I don't fault her for saying that but now looking back here's my thought. I was a mom of an 18 month-old and a newborn. My dad suddenly and unexpectedly passed away and I was not able to be there. I was close with my dad, to say my heart was broken is an understatement of the century. I've never in my life cried harder, I've never in my life been so angry with God. I've never in my life had to deal with the circle of life so closely.

Here's the thing, why not give me the skills I needed to prevent PPD? Why not have someone see me that can help me through dealing with two littles AND the death of the first man I ever loved? Why wait? Why wait until I was on the verge of completely losing my shit? Or taking my life? To be clear, I never reached that point... why? Because I pushed the grief far down, I buried it in a part of me that I didn't even know existed. I cried in the middle of the night while nursing my newborn son or in the shower while my husband was tending to the kids. Other than that, I kept my shit together. I appeared happy and never dealt with the loss of my father until years later.

Five years later, I saw a therapist. We rehashed my feelings that surrounded the death of my father. You can only beat a dead horse so many times... so I stopped. I'm thankful to have an incredible support around me, family, friends, my husband, friends who have been through the death of a parents, moms... I couldn't do and STILL couldn't do it without them.

Fast forward to today, I'm seeking some guidance for one of our children. I've exhausted a billion resources. Children's hospital has a ONE year waiting list. One year people! Aurora will only see current Aurora patients. Other people only see kids that are 7 1/2... So me being proactive... I feel like they are telling me to just wait. Wait for what? As if magically at 7 1/2 things will change? Psychologists that come with "bad" reviews have openings, but why would I trust them with my child if others did and they failed them? So, alas we wait.

I thank God that I'm an educated woman that will stop at nothing. They taught me how to advocate in nursing school and I'm a crazy mama advocate when it comes to my own children. A nurse mama... a pediatric nurse mama that's outspoken, won't back down and continues the course, watch out world! I also know how to research. Yay for being a nurse that has a strong background in the ability to research. That's what I'm doing, I'm making phone calls, leaving messages, researching and implementing things at home ON MY OWN. Without the guidance of the people that I want or need because I can't wait. My child does not deserve to wait.

I only get one chance at this mama thing. I only get one Bella, one Grayson and one Luca. It's my job to advocate for them, lift them up, help them rise above. It's my job to fight for what they need and deserve. Watch out world, this mama is on a mission.