Application submitted!

We officially submitted our application for Maine Camp No Limits!

Those of you that follow the blog and our journey know that we have attended the Florida Camp No Limits the past two years. This year, with new jobs and commitments, Florida was not an option for us. We feel like we've made a second set of family in Florida. I could list the names of the people that we've created close relationships with and enjoy spending time with. The parents have helped me grow as a mama of a child with a limb difference and as a mama of three kids. The kids have helped build Bella's confidence. The sibling program has grown and changed in such a positive way, the boys REALLY enjoyed it last year. I felt comfortable letting them go so that Ryan and I and Bella could do things too. Bella has friends there that she admires and looks up to. She has friends there that don't question her abilities to do things. She has grown to ask when she'll see them next.

We couldn't let a year pass without attending Camp No Limits! While we knew Florida was not an option due to the dates, we researched other locations. We then decided to determine when we could make a vacation out of the experience. We could tack on some other adventures before or after camp was complete or started. Maine camp just happens to start the week after Bella's birthday. Talk about an amazing birthday present! For that camp she was also out of school so we didn't have to pull her out of school to attend. However trust me, camp is SO important that it's worth it to miss school!

So our application is in and we'll be attending Maine camp! I can't wait to see all the camp has to offer. I can't wait to see how the sibling program has grown and see how much the boys enjoy it. I'm excited to see what new skill Bella will come home knowing how to do. I'm thrilled to meet more of the limb difference community, make new friends and family. I'm excited to see what adventures the kids will go on!

Bella has mastered so much at CNL in just two camps! She learned shoe tying last year, which was giant! She has learned buttoning buttons, doing zippers, buckles and ponytails, all at camp! Most of all, she gained an unwavering confidence in her abilities to do or try anything. Giving up is not an option. She rope climbing in trees and kayaked too.

You can find our paypal link on the side of the blog if you wish to support our journey to camp. The paypal link allows us to pay for our flight to Maine and home, as well as transportation to and from camp. A donation directly to CNL in Bella's name will help pay for some of our family members to attend camp. We appreciate every time that you pass on our blog or our links so that we can continue to attend CNL and raise awareness about limb differences. Feel free to share this on Facebook, twitter, instagram or your own blog! Without your love and support, this is not possible for us. So know that we appreciate each and every one of you!

Maybe I don't hate March

March is usually a rough month for me. It's the month that I held my stomach and sobbed as someone held the phone to my dad's ear while he died on the other end of the phone. This year is five years. I expected it to suck and there have been moments when it does. Moments when I cried when the rest of the house was asleep. Moments when I cried in the shower or when the kids were napping and at school.

This weekend, my feelings changed a bit. We spent Saturday doing what we do best, lounging and loving. We spent Sunday morning hiking with my brother in law and his family. We are SO lucky to have family close by and our kids are blessed to have cousins their age to love and make memories with. We hiked and soaked up the scenery while our boots were covered in mud. We laughed and the kids played and made up stories as we went along. I took a few moments to really savor the sound of their voices, the laughter that filled the air and the sights around us. I love that we love being outside and exploring. I love that our kids love that too. I also love that it's a way for us to bond with our extended family.

Sunday evening, we took dinner to "Hampa" as Luca calls him. It's okay because at 92, he calls Luca "Luco" and Luca laughs and says "Hampa calls me Luto"... he calls himself "Luta"... ah being a toddler. I love the way kids pronounce words! We enjoyed filling grandpa's house with the smell of mexican food and the sound of noise and laughter. The kids enjoyed it, we enjoyed it and I know Grandpa enjoyed it too.

Today, it's Monday. It was sunny and 64. It's March... that's unheard of. We all walked Bella to school. We played in the yard. I did a Pinterest project. We laughed, we loved. It's March and I'm not only surviving. I'm happy. This week is good and maybe I don't hate March after all.

Face Your Fears

That was the title of the piece I presented at Listen to your mother. I'll share it with you if they decide not to pick me to share my story. I struggled with naming what I had written because titles are tough for me to come by. I can write and write but titling something is always something I find challenging.

Today, I'm facing a different kind of challenge. I'm on edge, I'm sad. I feel broken. My heart is heavy. Each year around this time, I struggle. I fight the tears more often than not through March. Tomorrow is March. I'm partially dreading it being March 1st... I've told the story and I'm sure for the rest of you it gets old. On March 10, 2011 my dad died... suddenly and unexpectedly. Two days later, I gave birth to my second child, my first son. His name had been decided but on the way to the hospital my sweet husband decided his middle name should be changed to that of my fathers. And so in that moment without anyone knowing but us, he became Grayson John instead of Grayson Ryan. After his birth, we shared the change with our families and friends. This year, that boy will be 5. This year, my father will have been gone 5 years.

Five seems like a big milestone for some reason and this year seems harder than years passed. And so I sit with tears streaming down my face while my boys nap and my girl is at school.  Mostly, I try to cry when they can't see me. I don't want them to always remember me crying when I think about my dad. I want to be able to share my stories of him with them. I want to be able to share his zest for life, his unwavering love, his drive to live each day to its fullest with my children.

Today, I'm reminded that my boys have never met their Papa John. Today, I'm reminded how Bella asked "how come the doctors didn't save him, I thought hospitals made you better". Today, I'm reminded that life has somehow gone on. Today, my heart has a hole that is not filled and can never heal. Today, it feels like salt is pouring into that wound. I'm reminded that life isn't fair and love never ends even when someone passes away. Today, I'm reminded that the road of grief doesn't just end or get easier. Sometimes its more smooth than others, today it's a mountain that I'm trying to climb.

Today, I will remind myself that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to miss him and wish he was here. It's okay to cry while no one else is around. I will fight through the first few weeks of March knowing that my dad is someone, someway showing himself through my son. Grayson loves wolves. He's asked to have a "Wolf birthday party". My dad's entire computer room was decorated in Harley stuff and wolves. He had a tattoo of a wolf on his chest and one on his arm. Grayson is unaware of any of that. Today, I will cherish that my kind hearted son has a little bit of my dad shining through.I will fight through the first couple of weeks of March knowing that my son and my dad's love of wolves has intersected. I will plan a wolf party (whatever that entails!) to celebrate my son's birth.

Maybe the title of this blog should have been milestones and mourning....

I did it!

I auditioned for Listen to Your Mother. I was nervous and talked fast... actually I told "our story" in THREE minutes... she said it was "record" time... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Honestly, I'm happy to have had the opportunity to share our story. I'm proud to have shared it with the amazing ladies of LTYM and I'll be sure to keep you posted on the outcome!

Recruiter

Bella and I were at the store picking up some stuff for dinner (am I the only one who has everything exept ONE key ingredient, ugh!) and as we were leaving she noticed a boy in a wheelchair.

"Mom, he could go to my camp"

"Really why do you think that?"
"Well because he can't walk and it's for all kids that are different. He could make some friends there"

"Good thought Boo! Last summer remember that girl we saw at the park and I told her parents about Camp No Limits"

"No who was she? Do you think she'll be there?"

"Remember she was born missing part of her leg?"

"Well if she does go, I can be friends with her" We both smiled and then started talking about Sam Hunt (this kid is obsessed with his music!).

Bella is always really thoughtful about kids AND adults who are born different or appear different. She WANTS them to come to camp. I think it's hard for her to verbalize but in my mind, she wants them to have somewhere they can be accepted. Camp is somewhere where everyone is friendly and welcoming.It's somewhere everyone is accepted and by everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Parents, siblings and campers all feel special at camp. We all feel included. There are special parents group and sibling groups. I think she wants people to feel the love that she feels there.It's a special place.

AND we have officially submitted our application for camp for this year! We are hoping that Ryan's vacation days get approved for camp at the end of July. Bella doesn't know yet because it's the week after her birthday. Talk about an awesome birthday celebration! So if you know us, keep this a little secret from the best ears in our house :)

Did you really just say that?

When Bella was a brand new babe, I was at my sister-in-laws house. I was nursing her on the couch and her tiny little not even six pound body was covered almost completely by the nursing cover. Another mom walked in to pick up and some small talk occurred between the three of us, her, my sister in law and myself. She had adopted a little boy and was discussing his adoption process. She talked about "cleft lips and palates" and I remember her saying "well it's not like he's missing his arms or legs". I remember my sister in law looking at me. I remember thinking I wanted to lay my sweet girl on the couch and punch this other mom in her smiling face. 

My mind was racing with a million thoughts. My heart felt a twinge of pain for my child and for me. I don't remember what followed after that situation. I don't recall if I said something or not. Trust me, there were a million times when she was small that I did say something rude in response to someone's rude comment. I remember thinking that this was the first situation we would encounter but it certainly wouldn't be the last. 

I specifically remember an old woman at the grocery store asking ""Oh my gosh what happened to her hand?" My response "Oh my God, we had it when we came in here!" She said nothing and walked away. She probably wanted to curl up in a hole in that very moment. There were also times I was able to pull it together and say something educational. Sometimes it was as simple as "she was born like this", sometimes it was more in depth. 

What is the right thing to say in situations when people say things like this? I can't say for sure. I can say that if I can pull myself together, education is best. Educating others on the situation, educating others on our circumstances, educating them on the right thing to say to people, teaching them how to treat people kindly and with respect. I think that's the biggest thing, while they need to learn, they ultimately need to understand what is the right way to treat someone that's different than them. 

So my daughter, born with only her 5 fingers, ended up in daycare with this mama's adopted boy. It wasn't something that was ever talked about... I wonder if she remembers her comment from that day. I wonder if she knows the way she made me feel. I wonder if she knows how thankful I am that my daughter wasn't able to understand what she said. I wonder if now she thinks of things a little different. 

Coping

In my Facebook feed this morning there was a new baby born into the "Lucky Fin" family. The mom asked for "any suggestions to get stronger and deal with fear and criticism". My advice was two fold. Any parent with a child  has fear and criticism. It's part of parenting. Will your child do things on time? Will he/she grow and thrive? Develop normally (whatever that means!)? Will he/she ride a bike? Have friends? Get bullied? So many questions fill your brain! 

I remember being pregnant and wondering how Bella would cope and deal with her difference too, not only how I would deal with others comments and questions. First, we take them all in stride. We've gotten better as she has grown with answering questions. Many of the questions are the same ones over and over, so you get very good at answering those. The other questions, I take a deep breath and then speak. Sometimes they are "easy" questions and sometimes they challenge me. Bella asked me the other day why Papa was my "step dad". Um... why was I not prepared to answer this? I mean, I figured at some point the kids would ask or they would why their grandparents weren't married on either side of the family but I hadn't really thought of the answer. I answered it the best I could. Anyhow, you learn as you go! 

I told this mama to allow the emotions flow and know that any emotion and every emotion was normal. As a new mom, I was scared, excited, nervous, happy, sad, overjoyed, scared, thrilled... I felt them all not just because my girl was missing her left hand but because I was a new mom. Holy crap, what had we done? I was responsible for keeping someone else alive! It was exciting and overwhelming. I remember crying because the love I felt was her was so much to take in. I remember crying because she nursed like a champ. I remember crying because she was crying. It's life people, parenting is tough work! Mom is the best title I've ever had and the most challenging all at the same time. I think some people are quick to say "oh you have a new baby, what do you have to be sad about?" Um the lack of sleep was enough to make me be sad! That was no joke. I mean, I've been a parent for 6 1/2 years and I still am missing sleep. Such is life. 

I also told her to take time to enjoy her baby.  It's easy to get caught up in the tasks but my favorite moments were the moments when I would sleep and she would sleep on my chest. As much as I lacked sleep, I also enjoyed the quiet, dark night time nursing sessions. I could just listen to my baby breath and eat and feel their little body close to mine. It was just me and the babe and I loved it. 

Connecting with other parents is also an important part of being a parent to me. Connecting to others who parent the same and parent different. It allows me to learn and grow as a mother. Connecting with parents with kids like mine (we LOVE our community of limb difference families!), they provide support and encouragement. Reach out to those parents when you need a friend, talk with them, ask questions, express your emotions. I had a friend once say "I don't know if I can really say this because it makes me feel awful but I just need some time to be me!" I confirmed that I sometimes felt that way too. We laughed at how bad we felt for wanting to take time for ourselves because we loved our kids but we also knew that we needed time to do things we enjoyed to make us better mothers. One prime example, date night. Reconnecting with my husband reinforces our love and our connection with each other. It makes us better parents and partners. 

Enjoy that babe, connect, embrace your emotions!