Monday, May 15, 2017

It takes a village

Today, I struggled with being a mother. Life is busy with three kids. There's activities, commitments, guitar lessons, girl scouts, two full time working parents, a marriage, three kids, a dog, four chickens, two vehicles, an RV, a house, laundry, dishes, meals, grass that needs to be mowed, work meetings, on call schedules, teacher meetings, bedtimes, bill paying, teeth brushing, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, baths... need I say more. I mean there's responsibilities galore. It's like a juggling act.

Today, those balls in the juggling act were falling far faster than I could catch any of them and I'm pretty sure I dropped them all. At the end of the night, we all made it out alive, though I couldn't exactly tell you how. There was crying, happiness, laughter, tears, yelling, giggling... it was like a night of bipolar emotions from all parties. The train stopped at every emotion station before stopping for the night.

Today, I struggled. Today, I called in my village. I called my therapist, aka my best friend. I called my mom. I reached out to an old friend. I called in my village. I cried to all three of them. Tonight I struggled, today I struggled. Today, I'm thankful that we all made it out in one piece.

I struggle to feel like I'm "mom enough" to all three kids. They are all so very different, with different personalities, different needs and wants, different hopes and dreams. How can I parent them all in a way that is best for each of them. Is that even possible? I struggled with feeling like I was successful at motherhood.

At the end of the day, I can assure you one thing. It takes a village. It takes the desire to want to do better. My kids push me to the brink of my breaking point, they also make me happier than I've ever been. I can assure you that I will bust my ass trying to be the mom that each of them need, want and deserve. I might die trying but I will try. I will push myself until I can no longer push. While I struggle to feel like enough, I can assure you that I'm giving it 110% every damn day. I can assure you that I call in my resources, I use that village, I seek out more information. I try.

I hope that someday they each realize that while I may not be the best mom, I'm the only mom they have and I've never given up on any of them. I will always strive to be better. I will always push to do more and to be more of the parent they each deserve. I may not be the best but I'll never ever give up.

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