Tuesday, January 19, 2016

"I've missed you all weekend"

On Monday evening, Bella had a little breakdown. I've been super sick all weekend, like urgent care and emergency room sick. It hasn't been ideal that's for sure. I came home and went straight to bed Friday afternoon. In between doctors, I was sleeping. I felt like I was neglecting my kids but I couldn't physically keep my eyes open. Thankfully Ryan and I work as a team so while I felt like I was neglecting the kids, he was taking care of every thing.

On Monday evening, when we were tucking everyone in bed, Bella was crying. I curled up in bed and asked her what was going on. She said "I'm just sad, it's was a long weekend and I wanted to spend time with you but you are sick". We talked about how sometimes it stinks that we want things to be a certain way and then they aren't. I told her how sorry I was that I wasn't able to spend more time with her. That I was sorry I was sick, that I was sorry that I wasn't able to spend more time with her. She explained that she knew I was sick and she was sorry that I was sick but that she just wanted to spend some time with me. We talked more about it and we both felt better. She was happy to have me curled in her bed, no matter how sick or how tired I was feeling.

It's times like this that make me think about "mom guilt". Not one single person made me feel bad or guilty for being sick. Not one person made me feel like I should be doing more than just letting my body heal. It was me. It was ME that was giving myself a hard time. I WANTED to keep my eyes open. I WANTED to be to of bed. I WANTED to be spending our long weekend together, playing, baking and making memories. Instead I spent my time sleeping, at urgent care, more sleeping, at another urgent care and then at the emergency room. Kids don't understand that very well. Heck I didn't understand it all. Why do we as parents do this to ourselves? Why do we cause ourself more guilt and frustration than necessary?

From one mom to you, pat yourself on the back. Know that you are doing the very best you can right now in this situation. Know that today may be hard, hell tomorrow may be worse but it will get better. Know that there is a support system around you. I'm here for you. I'm here to listen, to tell you it will all be okay, to tell you that you deserve time for you, that YOU need YOU too!

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