(Gah so tiny!)
Can I possibly love #2 as much as I love my first? Okay so I legit cried about this while I was pregnant. How could my heart fill up and love someone as much as I loved Bella? I remember having MANY lengthy conversations with my dad about this. He assured me that it wasn't an issue (but let's by honest I'll always be both of my parents favorite, don't tell my brother! Okay so maybe he'll read this... just kidding brother!) No really he assured me that instead of feeling like my heart was pulled in both directions, it would double. As if, I thought. He'd lost his mind and lying was the only way he was going to get another grandkid out of me.. wait I was ALREADY pregnant, now what? Yep more conversations... I'm pretty sure my husband had thought I lost my mind. Maybe I had... My dad just kept saying, don't worry it happens. Well in the end, he was right, my heart doubled, then tripled in size.
Do I have a favorite? You betcha I do and they all know who it is! It is the kid who sleeps the longest. The kid who listens the best. The kid who isn't a giant pain in the butt... Yeah so it changes daily... or more so by the minute. Of course, really I don't have a favorite. No wait, I lied, again, the best sleeper, the best listener, the one who gives me the least amount of headaches. They all of their moments, as do I. No there's not ONE of them that's my favorite.
Can I maintain the special bond I have with my first born if I have to divide my attention? I get torn on this one, like really torn. Do they all get enough of me? Is there really enough of me for anyone or all three? The answer is, I'm not a super hero, I do the best I can. I'm human. There are times when I'm winning at the mom thing and times I feel like I'm failing miserably. Real truth, I push through those hard times and come out learning something.
What have I learned you ask? Well after having three I've truly learned that I can't fill from an empty tank. Mom nights are important. Late night phone calls with my friends keep me going. Making a phone call to someone who's in my shoes when I feel like I'm royally sucking, those are my lifeline. I've learned I have to take care of me. For me that means taking a break and filling my own tank. Date nights have become more of a priority as have live music and dancing. Why? Because getting dressed up and going out with my hot husband fill my tank, or as we call it "our love bank". It helps remind me why I fell in love with him in the first place. It helps me let go and enjoy being me without any obligations. Going to the gym and eating healthy also help. I've learned that eating crap makes me feel like crap. (Remind me of this when I want to eat 3 donuts in a day, or even one!) It makes me feel good about me. Having time to fill my tank, makes me a better mother, a better wife, educator and friend. All of those are important to ME!
What are the financial implications? Girl friend, kids are an endless money pit. You will never be ready for one let alone three. You just make it happen. True fact. We buy a lot of second hand clothes when we can and it's worked up until more recently. They grow SO quick, don't waste your money on the $50 pair of shoes that won't fit next week. We also do a lot of free stuff. My kids are really looking forward to adventures around the city this summer finding new parks and new places to hike. They LOVED that last summer and keep talking about it as the weather gets warmer. Save where you can. We've figured out that splurging on a fancy car isn't our thing, we'd rather vacation. Figure out your priorities and work with it!
What if I need a bigger home? But do you? Why? We had our house on the market a couple of years ago. We pulled it after a major meltdown on my part and an epiphany on Ryan's part. We love our yard, our neighbors, the comfort of the home we've created here, the schools, a safe neighborhood, the ability we have to travel and explore. Eventually I see us living on more land with more creatures (read NOT kids!) and room to roam. I see us in an older farm house with a big wrap around porch... time will tell. Right now, it just sounds like more to clean, more to keep up with and more to spend money on. I'm happy where we are. Most of all, I'm comfortable and safe here. This is our house but really it's our home.
How can you decide what's right for you? Only YOU can decide. I always wanted four kids. In my heart, I have four. I have three that walk with me in life and one that walks in heaven that we miscarried. My heart is full, overflowing really. I knew when we were pregnant with our tie breaker (who turned out to be Luca!) that I was done being pregnant. My heart was done, my body was done, my soul was full.