Saturday, January 14, 2017

Neglecting me

 I remember giving birth to Bella and knowing that my whole world had just changed. I remember a short 12 weeks later, heading to Bikram Yoga for the first time in in 12 weeks (yes I practiced during my pregnancy under the supervision of my OB). I remember racing out the door after nursing her and leaving her in the arms of her dad. I remember on my drive the intense guilt I felt for leaving that sweet little five pound babe. How could I leave her? What if she needed to nurse? What if she wouldn't take a bottle? What if she screamed the whole time? I remember walking into yoga nearly in tears because the guilt was so intense. Why did I feel that way? My husband was a rockstar dad and assured me that he had it all under control. He also assured me that practicing yoga was good for my mind AND my soul. I remember placing my tired body on the yoga mat and recalling that I didn't even brush my teeth before I left! I had neglected me so much that my teeth felt covered in fuzz and I wasn't even sure of the last time I showered. The life of a first time mom.

Fast forward to three and a half years and two more kids. There were now three children in my house. Showers were a thing of yesterday and tooth fuzz was a regular thing. You know the saying "messy hair don't care"... yeah I was on the verge of messy hair and dreadlocks I'm sure of it! My kids were fed and bathed and looked put together, too bad their mom was a complete train wreck.

Fast forward now to three years after that, so we're at 7 1/2 years since that little five pound string bean came into this world five weeks early freaking out her parents and the doctors. The kids snack on organic dog food (I'm only half kidding) and I get a shower on a regular basis, the tooth fuzz is officially gone. My how times have changed. I've remembered that to keep myself sane, I need to take some  ME time. I still feel slightly guilty about it at times but I'm not on the verge of a mental breakdown each time I walk out the door on my own. Shit, sometimes I even do backflips out the door (or slip on a lego as I'm going out, but it's all the same right?). Sometimes when MY kids (as Ryan calls them when they act up) are being extra crazy, I leave and throw up a peace sign to him as I go.

"Deuces buddy, good luck!"

Somehow, he holds down the chaos in the midst of me escaping. It's a balance... a balance of partnership, love and knowing when to let the other take a break. So what do I do during that break? Stay tuned to find out!

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