Saturday, March 11, 2017

Decisions

This week is historically hard for me as I've mentioned before. To add to it all, my mom and step father were involved in a tornado this past week. I was shaken to my core. My mom could have been taken from me the same week as my dad... but she wasn't. My feelings went into overdrive, my heart was aching, my stomach was turning. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. One minute I was traveling all alone, the next my mother in law was driving with me, the next we were all driving together as a family... wait should I just fly? No wait, drive? All of us? alone? Dear Lord, I was seriously losing my mind.... whatever part of it was left.

My husband said in the twelve years we've been together he's never seen me so indecisive. I could not make a decision to save my life. Then we made the decision to go all together. I started packing and getting stuff together. Packing for five is no easy task and then sending the dog to our aunt's here... It was just a world wind of emotion and action. I emailed teachers, adapted day care schedules, Ryan took time off of work. We were set. Then a long time internet friend reached out and offered to help. She is a flight attendant and offered to help with my standby ticket arrangements, which would be a ton cheaper than me flying on my own.

Things changed quickly. This would allow me the opportunity to be there and not have the kids to worry about. It's stressful, things are damaged, my mom and Mark are shook up, still in shock. Things still have to be cleaned up and organized. Insurance needs to be discussed and followed up with. There's a lot to do. Ryan and I couldn't bear to leave Grayson for his birthday without one of us. Having your parents remember and celebrate your birthday is a big deal, whether you are turning 6 or 36. This seemed to be the better plan of action and we changed plans.

Things were good and I packed my bag... until Bella was told. I've never seen my seven year old cry so much. All because her mama broke her heart. She wanted to go, she dug through her piggy bank, she begged and pleaded. I felt awful and ended up breaking down. Here I was thinking I made the best the decision for our family only to feel awful about the whole thing. I explained, I rationalized, I talked to her like a seven year old and I talked to her like an adult. Nothing worked, she cried. I cried.

Even sometimes what seems like the best decision may not feel like you did the best you could. I did the very best I could. I still failed my girl. We'll talk again when I get home. I did the best I could. Nothing I did at the moment would feel like the best decision once it happened. Life can be challenging... scratch that parenting is challenging.

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