Seven years...

Seven years seems like a lifetime to live without you. How is it possible that seven years have passed? In one way it seems like yesterday. It another way it seems like a lifetime ago. It's true, no one on this planet can you love you the way that your parents do. No one can love me the way that he did. No one will ever love me in that way. No one will ever look at me the way he did. No one will give me the advice or the encouragement that he did.

Seven years ago today, I lost the first man that ever loved me. The first man I danced on his feet. The only man that ever told me "Sis do what's best for you, do what makes YOU happy." He encouraged me to spread my wings and fly, to reach far, far beyond anything I ever thought was possible.

I remember the study sessions in his living room while in nursing school. There would be 3-5 of us with textbooks galore on his living room floor. I vividly remember him coming home and asking "Who ate all the brownies? Where are the rest of the ladies?"

"I did!" 

"Wait, YOU ate all of them? No one else was here? Sis!"

"Stress, freshman 15... nursing school." He smiled, hugged me and then let me get back to my studies. 

I don't think my heart will ever be ready for the loss that it faced. I don't think my soul was ready for the emptiness and constant ache. I officially call bullshit to one of the things I learned in nursing school. The five stages of grief.  Did I go through all of them? Not so much. I'm still in some of them... Here's the thing, I'll never accept that he was taken from me, from us, too soon. I'll never accept the way that he died or the fact that my children don't get to experience their Papa John. I'll never accept that this is my harsh reality. There's a part of me that will always be empty. 

I do know that today, he'd be proud. He'd be proud of Ryan and I's marriage. He'd be proud of me as a mother to my three babies. He'd be proud of my job as a nursing professor. He'd be proud of us camping and exploring. 

What's different about today than years passed? This year, I opted to celebrate Grayson's birthday on the seventh anniversary of his Papa's death. Why? Because I know me, I get sad and I get in a funk. That's not fair to anyone. So instead, we'll be celebrating the birth of his grandson! This year will be a little brighter and a little better than the last.

Though I'll never accept that this happened. I'm reminded that life isn't fair. I'm reminded that I was oh so lucky to share the first 30 years of my life with him. I got to make 30 years of memories with him, though sometimes they feel so far away. There are other times I'm reminded that he would want me living my best life being the best me that I could be. This year, I'll be doing just that. I hope you are watching Dad!