Saturday, February 28, 2015

No easy task

Sometimes I pause for a second and wonder how I became so lucky to be the mama of 3 happy, healthy, beautiful babies... other times, I wonder if I can sell them to the zoo but we won't talk about that right now!

This was the first year that I've sewn the fingers to gloves closed and cut the fingers off. It was bothering her and she asked how to fix it. I came up with a solution and it works. Well today, she pulled out a brand new set and put it on. Then said this "Mom wouldn't it be funny if people said something about me having two gloves and 10 fingers and I told them they grew." I smiled and giggled with her. "Mom wouldn't it be cool if they did grow"... my heart shattered. I smiled and said "super cool". What else is a mom to say?

Being a parent is no easy task even with kids with all 10 fingers. Remember how I said sometimes I want to sell them to the zoo? Sometimes I would even pay the zoo to take them! I'm kidding... kind of.... In all seriousness though, my heart did shatter. I wonder what she really thinks when she says those things. Is she really just being a kid and playing around? Or is she really thinking, God, I'd love to have 10 fingers? Who knows. I don't ask. I let her be her, she'll say more if she wants to. I don't pry and I don't try to make a bigger deal out of something unless I can tell by her tone or expressions that it really needs to be a bigger deal. When it's your kid, you know, you just know when to reach in and dig deeper. Today, I didn't. Today, I left well enough alone. I allowed my heart to take it in and I let it go... until now, when she's fast asleep. And now, I sit and wonder, I ponder the possibilities. My heart hurts because I don't understand fully how she feels. I never will truly understand her exact feelings and emotions because I'm not in her shoes. She will never fully understand my feelings as her mother because she's not in my shoes. I remember telling my mom and dad after I had her how I finally understood how much they loved me and how their heart was always beating outside of their chest. I didn't fully understand their love until I became a parent. Don't get me wrong, I knew they loved me and would go to the ends of the earth for me. I fully understood the depth of those feelings when my eyes first saw her tiny body.

I struggle sometimes with my feelings about her feelings. I know some day we will talk about it more. I have faith in her and confidence that she will express her needs and desires. She's like her parents that way, outspoken and bold... that can be good and bad! I have no doubt in my mind that she will tell me if she needs something from me. Until then, I'll just be her mom. I'll continue to encourage her, provide her support, build her confidence and allow her to grow.

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